Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Dating.... eeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkk!

I'm ready to enter the world of dating, but not without trepidation.  Truthfully it scares the shit out of me.  And that's putting it mildly.  It's been 1,162 days since my ex-husband and I decided to end our 18 year relationship.  Am I ready to move forward?  Yes.  Does that mean I want to date?  Not really.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I want the excitement of meeting someone new, the excitement of discovering new things together, learning about each other, the rush of the first kiss.... the initial butterflies so on and so forth, I love all those things.  But honestly, there's some real assholes out there and I'm the first to admit that girls can be assholes too.  It's scary for both sides.  Mainly, I'm just afraid of being hurt.

While entering my church, I ponder a lot of these fears and my journey.  Thank God for nature, I'm not really sure what I'd do without it.  It's here that my soul is filled with the natural energy of this world and I reflect on the "now" of my journey.  So dating has been on the forefront of my mind and I've been giving this stage of my life a lot of thought.  The thoughts that I continue to ponder are what brought me here, am I truly ready, how do I know I am ready, what do I want from a partner, what are my intentions when meeting someone, and the list goes on and on.  Remember I told you in my reflection post...  I think A LOT!  I also rely on my intuition and ask for assistance from my spirit guides that I may be led on the path for my soul's highest good.  Thankfully, that makes me feel a little better about this horrific and terrifying process.

A few weeks ago I was sitting with a friend and the topic of dating came up.  I was first asked if I had dated anyone since my separation.  I replied that I hadn't.  Next question...  "Why haven't you dated yet?"  Well, jeez...  way to get right to the point.  Truthfully, I wasn't ready.  I answered honestly. Plain and simple, I hadn't dated because I wasn't ready.  I wanted to make sure my soul was clear.  I wanted to be sure my bruises had healed and I wasn't carrying around anymore baggage.  I have known from the beginning that I didn't want to enter into anything without clearing out my own cobwebs and really taking a soul journey of self-discovery again.  I think it's unfair to enter into a dating experience or relationship when we haven't taken the time to clear this space within ourselves.

1,162 days...  when I look at that number it looks so large, but it doesn't feel that way at all.  Time is so funny in that way.  I have really taken the time to "find" myself.  When you spend 18 years of your life with someone the lines get a little blurred.  Somewhere my line became a little fuzzy and I realized I had put a lot of energy outside of myself.  Sometimes it was taken from me, but most of the time I gave it away freely, which was my own doing.  I have realized that I don't want that again.  So, yes...  time was necessary for healing to take place.  Time was necessary to figure out what I want.

Although some of this I knew before my separation, in the 1,162 days I've had a lot of time to think about myself and deepen my understanding of some of these.

  • I am ENOUGH.
  • I am worthy, but you may not be worthy.
  • I am a beautiful woman, inside and out.  My inner beauty radiates outward and is genuine.
  • I am sensitive and deserve someone who understands this and cherishes it.
  • I am an introvert.  This was a huge light bulb for me.  It was like the stars aligned when I realized this.
  • It's important to be appreciated.
  • I am strong.
  • I am independent.
  • I am ENOUGH. (I know I already said this)
  • I don't need to be taken care of, but it's nice.
  • I live my truth.  If you don't, please don't bother me.
  • I don't need someone to make me happy, I am already happy.  I'd like to have someone add to my happiness.
  • I am kind and thoughtful.
  • Words mean NOTHING without actions to back them up.  Actions speak much louder than any of the words that escape our mouths.
  • I am tenderhearted and it's not a weakness.
  • I communicate what I need, want, and desire as well as my intentions.  If you don't...  don't bother me.
  • Mean people suck.
  • I know who I am and I stand by her.
  • I am loyal to a fault.
  • I am compassionate.
  • I am a giver.
  • I wear my heart on my sleeve and although I want to guard it, it goes against my nature to do so.
  • I love easily.
  • I love deeply.
  • I feel everything...  deeply.
  • I value my time.
  • I am ENOUGH.
So...  am I ready to date?  Yes.  The largest thing I have come to realize is this...  I can't be with anyone that doesn't appreciate or respect what I have written above, to do so would be disrespecting myself.  I also can't be with someone who isn't up front and honest about themselves and living authentically.  Plain and Simple.

Dating....  eeek.  It scares the shit out of me but I am ready to explore this next stage of my life and I'm pretty excited about it. (most of the time)


Karin Bremer said...

YES! Dive in to some dates, lady. Be playful and have fun, you deserve every ounce of happiness there is to be had and someday the right man will be by your side. ❤️❤️

Toni Becker said...

I love you, Karin Bremer! Thanks for helping me in this journey, your encouragement and support, your love and light. You, my dear, I will cherish for many lifetimes.

Matthew Hotaling said...

What an intense and accurate piece.

Toni Becker said...

Thanks, Matt! Blessings to you always.

Toni Becker said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jamie Burch said...

You, my dear, are amazing! I think it was very wise to take that time for healing and getting to know yourself again. It's so important and I think many people just jump into something new for fear of going within and simply being with themselves. I wish you love and light on this new journey! You definitely deserve someone who matches your kind, loving, and beautiful soul. Big hugs!

Toni Becker said...

Jamie, thanks so much for your kind words. This time alone has been simultaneously wonderful and dreadful. I've learned a lot about myself and other people...sometimes more than I wanted to but the journey of self discovery and the discovery of a new way has been good. I know when the time is right, "Mr. Right" will appear and my soul will be fed and on a new exciting journey of discovery. :)