If you’ve spent a decent amount of time with me, and we’ve
had in depth conversations, then you know that numerology is pretty important
to me. Within those conversations, I
have most likely told you that I try my best to pay attention to the signs of the
universe, and I feel quite strongly numbers are one of those signs.
I’m reflective most days, but the last few days, I have been
quite reflective. My life has had some
twists and turns, ups and downs, days that were filled with light and days upon
days of darkness. Sometimes so dark, I
wondered if I would ever see the light.
Some of these days were a result of situational depression, and some of
those days were a result of overthinking various things going on in my life and
the world around me, the demon of self-doubt, and the fear of failure and
success. Isn’t it interesting that I
fear both failure and success? That’s a
whole other conversation for another day.
Five. Such a small
number. A small number with a colossal
meaning and symbolism. A few days ago,
the gadgets in my brain really started turning.
This week marks a few important anniversaries. Anniversaries that demand a moment and a pause
in time and reflection. So, why the
number 5? What does 5 mean? And how does it relate to my period of
reflection and the anniversaries I’m reflecting on?
Five years ago, I was having the worst summer possible. My husband professed how unhappy he was in
our life together. I literally waited on
the sideline to find out if everything I had helped to build was going to
crumble and be left in ruins. I waited
and prayed. I created art to soothe my
bleeding heart. I cried myself to sleep,
begging the Universe to help me through this impossible pain, again. The thought of my marriage dissolving after
putting so much work and effort into it, seemed unbearable. The timing
incredibly painful. Then it
happened. It was over. I was left standing like I had been hit by a
bus and utterly devastated. I couldn’t
believe that my life, the life I had helped create and build, was
shattered.
In my research today, I realized how important the number
five is to this particular period of my life.
So, what does five mean? The
meanings that resonated with me are the following: “Personal freedom,
individualism, non-attachment, CHANGE, LIFE LESSONS THROUGH EXPERIENCE, release
and surrender, health and healing, expansion, opportunity, story-telling,
making positive life choices and decisions, conflict, able to learn and teach
from direct experience.” It goes on to say that “the number 5 relates to making
positive life choices and decisions and learning life lessons through
experience.” (Joanne Walmsley-Sacred Scribes, link is listed below) This pretty much sums up the last five years
of my life.
On August 9th, five years ago, my husband said he
wanted a separation. Today, August 10th,
marks 5 years that he signed his lease on his apartment and started out on his
journey alone. At the time, I was
devastated. How could my life have led
me here? How in the world did this
happen? He was asking for personal freedom
and I was clinging to attachment. He
wanted change and I wanted to repair this vessel that was so broken. What I came to realize over the last five
years, was I created the separation too.
My soul needed it, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask for it outside of my
being. He was. I was rooted in my own core beliefs of what
marriage was, I was too blind to see it at the time. I was blinded by my pain, fear, attachment,
control, fear of change and expansion.
So blinded, that I couldn’t see that this event in my life would lead me
to learn, gain experience, make positive life choices and decisions, and
eventually here, telling my story.
For quite some time the pain was unbearable. The same thoughts churned over and over in my
mind, which at times made me feel crazy.
I felt so lost and insecure.
Unsafe. Uprooted and
shattered. I couldn’t imagine that the
18 years that I had invested in, and something I had worked so hard at, came to
a screeching halt. I was mad at myself
for continuing to love him. I was sad
and alone. There were times when the
pity party in my head went on for so long, I thought I would break. It was so tiresome, even Pity wanted to leave
the party, but due to my attachment to her, I clung to her for dear life. I couldn’t lose her too. Victim-hood can suck the life out of anyone,
and leave you naked and afraid. I needed
to feel empowered and strong, two feelings that were so far out of my reach,
and so far from my view.
I ran. I biked. I wrote.
I cried. I cried. And I cried some more.
I sat alone. I took classes to
heal myself. I did yoga. I listened to music. After a while, I drank. Not every day, but after a couple of years of
the pain, I definitely drank to numb the intensity of my feelings and to
forget… I needed to forget, for a few moments, that my life had been turned
upside down. In my moments that I was heart
centered and witnessed soulful insight, there was this incredible clarity, and in
those moments I realized the healing path I was on, and why my soul called for
the separation just as much as he did. I
couldn’t blame him anymore, because I had asked for this too. My soul needed to grow and expand, and this
painful experience needed to happen, in order for the growth to occur within
myself. Then I started painting. All of the intense emotions and thoughts that
swirled in my brain, came pouring out of me onto the canvas. Standing in front of the canvas, moving my
brush, scared the shit out of me, but it was where I felt free. Free of the noise. Free of the emotional turmoil I wrestled with
each day, because so much had changed in my life. Through my pain and acts of self-love, I
found painting. Or maybe she found
me? It was through the act of
painting, I started to see the girl in front of the mirror and I didn’t mind
looking at her. It was through painting,
that I found healing and grace, incredible strength and bravery. And EMPOWERMENT.
In the last five years, I have been on a journey of
transformation. A path that stripped me
naked and shattered my world. It was
through healing my grief that I realized that I needed the challenging lessons
to gain experience. I needed the pain
and hurt to understand the power of healing.
These last two days, while reflecting on the anniversary of
the dissolve of my marriage and the start of my husband’s new journey without
me, I feel incredibly blessed. I learned
a tremendous amount about myself, my community, healing, and what it means to
let go and surrender. Some of these
lessons, I continue to learn and deepen my understanding of, but then again,
aren’t we all? These last five years, I
have had an abundant growth within myself and in my external world. I have fell down and got back up. I’ve carried on, surrendered to the process,
released, and healed. The last five
years have been truly represented by the numerology of five and its meaning.
Tomorrow marks another anniversary. August 11th marks 23 years that we
had our first kiss on the front steps of the Unadilla library. It was here that our journey began. Tomorrow also marks 17 years that we
exchanged our own vows in front of our beloved family and friends. I’ve reflected a lot this last week of
anniversaries, on where my life was, where it is now, and where my life is
headed. This week marks five years that
my life took a different turn and my lessons began, but it also marks a time
when an immense love presented itself.
The last five years have been difficult, challenging, and a tremendous
blessing. I’ve had many uncomfortable gifts and I know I’ll be presented with
many more in my life. Uncomfortable
gifts allow us the space to expand and the room to grow. I’ve grown and so has Shayne. We are completely different people than we
were five years ago when we ended our marriage, and started down a path by
ourselves. Now five years later, here we
are. Reunited and stronger than ever. More in love than we ever were before. We share a true partnership that didn’t exist
before the separation. We needed the
separation in order to be in this loving space, and it is here, that I triumphantly
celebrate the uncomfortable lessons I learned over the last five years. It is here, I celebrate the love we have for
one another and the life we are creating once again. So tomorrow’s anniversary takes on a very
different meaning for me. A life
enriched with love, partnership, and a life shared with my best friend. I am truly blessed.
Title: "Transformation"
Medium: Acrylic Paint
2016
In numerology, the number five carries several meanings, and I’ve chosen the meanings that resonated with me, and this particular time period of my life and reflection. If you want to read more about the number five, please check out this link for the information: http://numerology-thenumbersandtheirmeanings.blogspot.com/2011/03/number-5-ruler-mars-said-to-be.html?m=1
