The life of a warrior

I've been called a warrior a few times, but never really embraced it as my truth until recently. When I think of the hardship, challenges, the struggles of my life, and all that I have endured in my 45 years on this earth, I am definitely a warrior. According to my google search, a warrior is defined as "a brave or experienced fighter" and when I think about all the battles I have had to fight over the years, I realize I am a warrior. Truth is, many of us are. I am not alone in facing adversity, challenges, hardship, and life battles. When I connect with people and share some of my stories, an exchange occurs, and it's through that connection of shared experience, I have found we are not alone. I have listened to countless people with similar stories of hardship and life challenging experiences and with each encounter, I find there is a lesson, strength, and something to gain from each experience giving rise to newfound growth. Listening to another person's challenges and the strength they found to endure gives us insight and at times direction for our own path. To embody the warrior we must be brave and fight, but we also need to listen. Over the years I have found it validating and liberating to listen to another person's journey and by listening I found the answers I was seeking and the solidarity of support my heart craved. Each experience and challenge has molded me into who I am now and I know at any time my form can be melted down and the process of rebuilding can begin again. To some that may generate fear, don't get me wrong it generates fear in me as well, but it also creates excitement because the rebuild allows us to rewrite our story, and create the path we choose. 

My heart outside of my body
I love the laughter we share and these two...
more than words can adequately express. ♥
Mother's Day 2020

This morning I was reflecting on the struggles of parenthood and how hard it is to be a mother. I love being a mother and feel like I was born to be one, but my God it's the hardest job I've ever had. When people ask me about raising teens today, my mind and heart can easily drift to the highs and the lows. Everyone assumes raising a girl is harder but raising my son has definitely been much more difficult. Not because he's a difficult kid, but because I had to work at finding a way in. And let me be clear, I still have to work hard at it. In many ways, I work harder at finding a way in now that he's entered life as a college student than when I did when he was a child. As a child, he allowed himself to be more vulnerable and showed more sensitivity. He received love and help readily which was easier for me since I'm sensitive, loving, compassionate, and very affectionate. Around the teenage years, he shifted and became more withdrawn. Part of it was the normal stages of development and him finding his way independently, but I'm sure part of it was also from the hurts of life and as a result, he became self-protecting and reserved. He's quiet, very private, contemplative, and STUBBORN. Did I tell you he was stubborn? Even if he needs help he will resist asking because in his mind he thinks he has to do it by himself. I'm not sure where he came up with this limiting belief, and maybe somewhere without realizing the weight of my words I said something to him that caused him to develop this belief. Like I said parenthood is hard. Unfortunately, we can't insulate our children from our shortcomings or mistakes. There are definitely times when I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and correct things. The ability to look into a crystal ball would be so nice, so I could see where I made the mistake. But I can't do either, and the only alternative I have is to keep trying and do the best I can. I joke that he's been difficult since the moment he was conceived, but the truth is he really wasn't difficult, I just had to work harder. He's a really great young man. I couldn't ask for a better son. He's one of my favorite humans and one of the best people my soul has connected with during this life. My daughter on the other hand... yes, she's a teenager and by most accounts, people say teenage girls are hard, but she's easy peasy. We are very similar so it's easy to connect with her and I'm not left wondering about her life. She shares and communicates what is going on in her life so it's easy to be on the sideline watching her and allowing her to grow independently. Unfortunately, that's my biggest obstacle with my son... not knowing and his lack of communication. Either way, motherhood is hard, parenthood is hard. Even having a daughter that communicates regularly and allows me into her world it's still hard. She has gone through her own set of challenges and the world has been cruel to her kind, sweet, sensitive heart. That has been one of the most challenging things to endure in mothering her. The world is harsh and the challenges great, and part of being a good parent/mother is allowing your children to grow and find their way when all you want to do is insulate, protect, and shield them. I'm grateful for both of these incredible humans and the lessons they teach me. I'm grateful for the honor to be their mother. They are the same and yet, so very different. The truth is, I'll always be their mother. And I'll always do my best to protect and support them as they grow and expand, and during the times of complacency and stagnation. I will be a life warrior for them...always.

My mom's birthday 2015

I originally wrote the first paragraph of this blog post on 10/10/19 with the intent of commemorating the life of my beautiful mother. You see her birthday is the 11th of October and I wanted to celebrate her wonderful life as a fierce and strong warrior of life. I also wanted to celebrate my deep love and respect for her. I was trying to process the reality that she was fading from this world and it was quite possibly the last birthday I would be celebrating with her. As I changed my age in the above paragraph my heart sunk. I've missed her terribly this year and yet, because of the world's COVID-19 pandemic, national health crisis, social injustice, environmental crisis, and the intense election distractions, my grief has been abated. I know it's bubbling under the surface and when I feel her rise, I honor her. I sit and feel it allowing the release and the feelings to wash over me knowing this is important to my healing and part of my self-care. Grief is a tricky thing and although the world moves on, our hearts are in a place that takes a tremendous amount of time to heal. It requires grace and patience with ourselves and shutting out the noise and judgment of the world. Most people can't handle the intense feelings of grief so they want the people surrounding them to move on from it too. I learned that life lesson many years ago, so I honor grief and the importance of healing, and ignore the noise.

My mom and I
11/22/18

I wonder how my mother felt about motherhood. Did she feel the same as I do? Did she feel differently? Did she feel it was hard to parent me or easy? What do I know when it comes to my mom and motherhood? I know she LOVED being a mother. I know she was born to do it and she made the decision pretty early on to change her own story and be a better mother than her own. I know that she took the job seriously and come hell or high water she supported my brother and I NO MATTER WHAT. I'm sure there were times she cried herself to sleep and she wondered if she did a good job. Those are the thoughts and questions every good mother asks herself. On some level, I know I was a pretty easy child. I did what was expected of me although I did normal teenage mischief. She always knew I would do the right thing... most of the time, and that I would use my people skills and good judgment to keep me moving forward. The most difficult period for her was after I turned 16 and I was a little out of control. WILD. But she had a wisdom that she relied on and she was a fierce warrior... you just didn't mess with her. She knew exactly what to do and shipped my ass to California to stay with a friend for a month. She knew I needed some time to calm down and find my way. MOTHER WARRIOR WISDOM. After that, I did the normal teenage stuff but I was more grounded and definitely analyzed the outcome and risks before engaging. She knew what she was doing. If she was here to tell you herself, she would probably say her biggest complaint was I was mouthy... talking back and I don't know how many times she said... "Why do you always have to have the last word? SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH!" It annoyed the crap out of me, but she was right. I was mouthy and didn't listen at times resulting in my own struggles and hers as a mother. My brother on the other hand... well, he was a difficult one. Firey, fierce, stubborn, and a huge risk-taker. He said screw it most days, alright if you knew Jon he didn't say screw it, he used other choice words. He took his chances and dealt with the consequences of his actions and behaviors afterward. He was in it for the ride and experience which is a nightmare for a mother. A nightmare for my mother. As his sister, I admired all these attributes about him although it scared the shit out of me. I knew in my heart that eventually, this lifestyle would catch up to him, and unfortunately, it did. This was the greatest burden my mother had to bear in this life... the loss of her son. I can't imagine the pain and won't allow my mind to take me there. I don't know that I would be as strong as her. I think that would officially break me.

Nature's love. Hearts everywhere
Taken Spring 2020 
♥ Redbud leaf ♥

So, what is the life of a warrior? Who is a warrior? As I stated in the first paragraph, "a brave or an experienced fighter." Yes, that was my mother. She came into this world fighting and she left this world fighting. She loved deeply and yet kept her heart at bay. She struggled to find balance in her life and yet despite struggling to find her own balance, she could give you the greatest advice to find yours. She was wise beyond her years and smarter than she thought she was. When I think about all the struggles she had to endure in her life, I'm astounded by her strength. She really was and is the strongest person I have ever met. I learned from the best and she absolutely showed me how to live as a warrior and how to be a good mother. I may not be the best mother, but I always do my best, which makes me a pretty damn good mother. And when it comes to being a warrior... well, I always stand back up, dust myself off, look for the positive, and the lesson I'm supposed to learn, and keep moving forward. And that makes me a pretty damn good warrior. I'll keep fighting and honoring her the best I can... by living life to the fullest, growing, and learning to be better today than I was yesterday.

Surrendering to the journey of life

"The Bow"
© 2018 Toni Becker,
Artfully Healing/Whimsical Jewels

I awoke today with an overwhelming sadness.  The sadness that time is racing by, and I can't stop it.  The sands of the hour glass are speeding up and visually I see the sands falling through my fingers.  I try to contain it by clasping my hands tightly shut, but it's not working.  So here I sit, knowing I need to honor these feelings despite my mind telling me I have a zillion things to do.  My heart reminds me that I am a sensitive and emotional human with empathy and compassion for myself and others, while my head tells me to numb it and stay active with my life and my "to do list".  My ego screams... "No one has time for this, keep doing and it will go away."  Here's the truth.  It's easier and more comfortable to numb myself with activities and things I need to take care of instead of honoring what I feel because these feelings are intense.  The real work lies in the allowing and the honoring.  So today I'm honoring.

I want to say no to the outside world, pull the covers over my head and lie in bed allowing myself to be what I need to be.... a big sobbing mess.  I'm not one to run from what I'm feeling although there are days I know I don't have time for it, and I push through knowing it will be there tomorrow.  Believe me, it doesn't go away.  I acknowledge this isn't the healthiest approach, but sometimes it's what I need to do, to get things done, knowing I can't handle the tasks I need to care for and the intensity of my emotions.  Today I awoke knowing I needed to take care of my emotional health and honor the space I'm in and sit with the intensity.  So here it goes...  I'm mad that I don't have the means to stay in bed today if I want to.  I'm mad that I can't be with my mom every second of the day.  I'm mad that life has been so challenging and there appears to be no end in sight to these challenges.  I'm mad that time is running out.  I'm mad that I'm losing the beginning of me.  I'm mad that time and future memories are being stolen from me.  I'm mad that people focus on such nonsense.  I'm mad that I am forced to deal with these people and their nonsense.  I'm mad that the world is so divided and people are killing each other.  Then there's the sadness.  I'm sad that I'm watching someone I love so deeply weaken each day.  I'm sad and mad that I can't do anything to make it stop.  I'm sad that my life will go on without a huge part of me.  I'm sad for my children and what they're feeling.  I'm sad that there's a good possibility my mom won't be here to see them graduate, go to college, get married, have the joy of seeing them start a family... the list is long.  I'm sad that I can't do more for her.  I'm sad that there will come a day that I won't be able to feel her hugs, stroke her soft hair, place my hand on her face or see her across the dinner table.  My stomach is sick.  My head is throbbing.  My face is a big salty mess from the continual stream of tears. 

My mom on her birthday 10/11/15

Then there's the duality of all the emotions above.  There's gratitude and joy.  It's a little hard to write about it when my sadness is being felt with such intensity today, but these feelings are still there.  It's these feelings that calm my stomach and make the throbbing in my head feel less intense.  They serve as a beautiful reminder of what I have and what I've been given.  I have the unconditional love of a woman who is such a beautiful example of love and motherhood.  And when the clock stops, I'll still have this, just in a different form.  Despite feeling like time is running out, I'm reminded that I have been given time and the ability to care of the woman who gave me life.  I'm reminded that I have the blessing of having her in my home, and although it's hard to see her in a weakened state, I'm grateful for the ability to care for her, to love her in this state and to serve her in this way.  I'm grateful that time has already been extended and I hope for more time, but as hard as it is to acknowledge this... I accept and honor that it may not happen.


For the last year I have been engaging with anticipatory grief or maybe it's been engaging with me.  The truth is, it really doesn't matter how much you engage with anticipatory grief, it doesn't prepare you for a loss of this magnitude.  The waves of grief I will feel when it's all said and done will be greater than what I am going through right now.  For today though, I feel a little better honoring this space and giving my grief the acknowledgement it needed.

My mom and I, 12/25/16

Unexpected Turns and the act of surrendering

How do you start each year?  Do you set a list of goals you want to accomplish?  Do you say a few New Year's resolutions and then develop a plan to take action?  After listing goals and resolutions, do you go full speed ahead then find that by the end of January you are exhausted and slowly start to relinquish your goals and resolutions?  This was definitely my story for many years.  I never really gave up completely on my goals and resolutions, but through reflection I could see patterns of behavior and my story as it played out.  I would work really hard at what I set out to accomplish, but then after a few weeks I realize I would start to lose ground on completion and the energy I used to tackle these new goals, would fade.  Then I would start to feel bad.  Really bad.  My inner critic would start yelling words like... "You failed.  Why can't you complete this?  What's wrong with you?"  That voice can be so brutally daunting, unforgiving, and relentless.

Then something magical happened.  A few years ago, my good friend, Brian Burrell, had a Facebook post stating his approach to the new year was letting a word choose him.  He credited his business coach, Christine Kane, for guiding him with this approach and shared a link regarding this remarkable, intuitive approach to the new year.  I followed the link, read her post, and thought, "what do I have to lose?"  So, I gave it a try...  My life and world was forever changed.  This new approach did exactly what her blog post said it would (Click on her name and it will take you to the blog post) it took the "should" out of my goals, called me out, and allowed me to create change within myself while honoring the space I was in at the time.  For the last few years, the words that have chosen me are Trust, Acceptance, and Surrender.  Powerful words that have a way of shaping us and molding us into something else.  At the end of 2017, I felt that Surrender wanted to stay with me and it had more to teach me.  As a result, I chose to listen and follow the path Surrender has for me.

Life has many unexpected turns that have the ability to crack me open and allow break through to happen, if I allow it, through the act of surrendering.  Over the years, I have noticed several opportunities for this level of awakening and transformation.  There have been times when I allowed change and transformation to occur, but usually never at a full surrender.  My ego still wanted me to be in control and as a result I would resist or try to manipulate the situation so I could feel "in control".  Do you know that saying, "what we resist, will persist?"  So, surrender and I are doing this elaborate dance with one another.  She leads and I'm trying my best to surrender control and follow.  In 2017, I saw some changes within myself as a result of my new friend, Surrender, and thankfully I have been able to recognize when she shows up to teach me something new.  

By surrendering, I manifested a beautiful home with a dreamy art studio.  I have allowed love to reenter my life.  I've felt a love I've never experienced before with a partner that is fully committed, and as he puts it, "all in."  I've had some success with commissioned art pieces that have allowed for connections with people, connections that have contributed to my soul's evolution.  By surrendering fear, I have become part of an amazing group of women who are empowering, uplifting, and committed to their success in this life, as well as, the success of other women.  Surrender has allowed me to step into the light and be big, instead of cowering in the corner in an attempt to be small and hidden.  These steps led to conducting my first healing art workshops.  Surrendering has allowed me to say YES more often and listen to the voice inside me that guides the direction of my heart.  All of these lessons have given me a sense of empowerment, love and connections with my community while allowing me to serve myself and others on a deeper level.

As life would have it, there have been some unexpected turns and uncomfortable gifts.  Gifts that continue to shape and mold me, awaken me to a deeper sense of self, and free me from the bondage my ego likes to enslave me with.  My unexpected turns came in a few different forms and have allowed me to awaken to limiting beliefs I have encased my soul's growth with, limiting my abilities to manifest more in my life.  I realized recently, that although I call my challenges uncomfortable gifts and I see them positively as areas of opportunity for growth, I also had a limiting belief surrounding it.  This limiting belief states I need challenges in order to grow, which I realize is not true.  I can continually grow without having earth shattering change and challenges.

Over the last few months, we have dealt with the death of a loved one, my mom's deteriorating health with hospitalization, my mom having cancer again, and having to locate a different house to live in.  Grieving the loss of my yummy art studio.  All of these unexpected turns have hit my family at the same time and are equally difficult in their own way.  Surrender has really opened my eyes, called me out on my story, and allowed me the opportunity to grow.  I'm not sure where she's leading me, but I know I'm going to be okay.  I know that the Divine order of things is watching over me, supporting me in my journey, and will provide whatever I need at the moment of need.  I know I am loved and that this love is unconditional and infinite.  So, I take her hand and follow wherever she leads, surrendering to her process and will.  And it is here through surrendering, that I will blossom into my soul's evolution and what my heart desires.

Image 1: ©2015 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels "Letting Go"
Image 2: ©2016 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels "Transformation 3"
Image 3: ©2017 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels "Bloom"

I had no choice but to bloom

  Okay, I had a choice.  Each of us have a choice, but there was something inside of me that said...  It's time to bloom.  You have to.  You CAN.  This is the only choice.  Do you know what I'm talking about?  You know that moment when we have a choice to show up or shrink,  run or stay, be big or stay small, shine or hide?  It was scary and I wanted to run but my feet planted into the ground with a stance that said, "You got this!"  My ego was violently shaking its ugly head no but my soul was screaming yes...  "you are loved, you are supported, and it's time to shine."  So...  I had no choice but to bloom because it was my time to shine, to step into the light, and bloom.

Let me back up.  2014 went out with a bang.  The unraveling began in September 2014 and it seemed to only get worse as the months went on.  My employment was in jeopardy.  I'm a single mom who is self-employed, so as you can imagine, this caused an initial panic inside me that I can't describe.  I had to remind myself several times that I am supported and loved by the universe.  Again my ego went into overdrive raising the red flags of self-doubt, fear, and anxiety but all the while my soul calmly waited for me to get centered and to trust that there was a plan in place bigger than me.  There are a few things that I am VERY passionate about, my work as a life skills coach is one of them.  I know that I won't do this work forever, but right now I am where I am supposed to be and I love the work.  And I'm really good at it.  So as I waited to hear whether I could still be a self-employed mom, who is available to her children, another bomb dropped....

My step-father died.  Hello October.  Thanks for your warm welcome.  Glenn had been a part of my life since I was a small child.  My parents divorced when I was five and my mom married him when I was seven, so yes he was a large part of my life.  It wasn't always love, sunshine, and rainbows though.  Maybe I'll leave that for another post, but what I will say is this...  it took me a LONG time to love him and he patiently waited.  He loved me dearly and I'm grateful that he waited for my love because the feeling was mutual.  Death is so hard...  it's a reminder to love madly, live in the moment, and hug the ones you love everyday because tomorrow may never come.  While still grieving this huge loss another bomb dropped...

"Toni, I have cancer."  What?  Really?  Are you sure mom?  I hadn't even made it through October when this enormous bomb dropped.  Is this really happening?  November and December were a little bit of a blur...  mom had surgery, was in and out of the hospital a few times before the year ended, thanksgiving, Christmas, grief and loss.  It was a hurricane and I was being swept up in its fierce winds.

I wanted the year to end and I welcomed the new year with open arms hoping for something better.  For the time being I was still able to do the work I loved and feel passionate about, so that was a plus.  Then I received an email from my BFF, Karin, on January 18th.  A little over a year ago now.....  wow time flies!  The subject line read:  "It's your lucky day, my dear!! xo"  When I clicked on the email I had NO idea what was in store for me or how drastically my life would change in the upcoming year.  Karin had entered my name into a drawing to win a free on-line intuitive painting course with Flora Bowley.  I had no idea who she was as an artist and I had no idea the journey I was about to embark on.

Initially, even though I was really excited that I had won something, my body and mind became riddled with fear and self-doubt.  I can count on one hand the times I had won something.  So my thoughts were, "seriously, I had won?  Karin are you sure?  Go back and check..."  Then came the thoughts, "Are you sure you can do this?  What happens if I'm not any good?"  But yes, I really had won and it was right before my 40th birthday.  My soul sister and loving friend, provided me with gentle encouragement and love to give me the boost I needed, all the while stating that I deserved it.  She reminded me that I am supported and loved by the universe and that this would be good for my soul and my art.  To assist my journey and celebrate my 40 years on this planet, Karin made sure I was set with the supplies I would need for the course, and sent me on my way to embark on this transformative journey.  So now it was up to me...  choose to bloom or choose to stay a seed.  Choose to shine or choose to hide my light.

This five week course started at the end of January and even though it ran for five weeks, I had access to it on line for six months from the time the course concluded.  Sweet!  This was perfect for me especially since my life was in upheaval at the time of winning this beautiful gem.  And to be honest, it took me a little while to wrap my head around the fact that I had won this, whether or not I was capable of doing it, and whether or not I deserved it.  Yes, I said it...  did I really deserve something so wonderful?  It took me a little while to answer these questions and when I did...  the magic happened.  I went on the site, read, re-read, and then started doing small things to get myself prepared to start and to push away my so called friends, fear and self-doubt.  All the while I was still dealing with a very sick and grieving mother, who was in and out of the hospital numerous times until the middle of March 2015.  In April, mom started to heal physically, emotionally, and spiritually which also assisted me with my own healing.  In mid May, I received an email stating everything would remain as it had been with my self-employment, so I was no longer sitting in limbo regarding my job status waiting for another bomb to drop.  I could breathe a little easier and worry a little less.  So it was time to start to show up for myself.  No excuses.

If you are like me and have never heard of Flora Bowley or her art, please for the love of God go check her out....  only after you finish reading this blog post of course!  Her art is amazing, her gentle and loving spirit so inviting, and her approach to art refreshing.  It was EXACTLY what I needed to transform and bloom.  Ironically, the 5 week course is called Bloom True.  Great, how appropriate.

I have struggled with the words, "I am an artist" for as long as I have been creating.  I was never really able to own the words and it definitely affected my creative life.  It wasn't until the conclusion of the online painting course, that I realized how much it affected my creative life.  Thankfully, despite the lack of owning these words, I still showed up and created.  My soul in many ways overpowered my ego, something I am grateful for.

Other than the gift of being a mother to my beautiful children, the painting class with Flora was by far the best gift I have ever been given.  There was a shift that occurred in my being while taking this online painting course that I find difficult to put into words.  The light and guidance that Flora emitted was hard to hide from and made me want to rise and shine.  My small seed opened accepting the light she radiated and the inner growth I experienced was magical and deep.  I allowed myself to grow, transform, and shine instead of staying small.  At times it was so hard to stand in front of my canvas and allow the magic to happen but I'm so glad that I did.  I'm glad that despite my fear I showed up for myself each day and allowed the light to enter, causing this great shift inside of my being.  When I let go of all the negative words that held my soul captive and really believed in myself as an artist, it was there that my voice emerged.  This voice was so beautiful and the art that has come as a result leaves me standing in awe.  Sometimes I stand in disbelief of what I have just created, asking myself, "Is this really mine?".  Yes, Toni, it is and it is beautiful.

I have had a few difficult years and last year was certainly one of them, but this painting class transformed my life and I will never be the same.  And neither will my art.  It provided a safe haven for me to grow and heal.  It helped my creative vision and assisted with finding the courage to show up each day for myself creatively.  I see the world through a different lens now, everything is a little different and the world a little brighter as a result.  Although the painting class was 5 weeks online, it took me the entire time I had access to it online, to get through the lessons.  The painting that I did during the course took  almost a year to finish.

The painting below I completed after the painting course ended and I was still working on my painting from the class itself.  I started this painting for an art show I was participating in and the night I finished it was magical.  I stood in front of the painting with tears in my eyes, a fire in my belly, love in my heart, and a disbelief that this was mine.  I created it.  ME.  And it was beautiful.  I had let go of the fear and self-doubt that had muffled my voice and instead chose to rise allowing my seed to be cracked open and my voice to emerge triumphantly.  My voice sang a creative music I longed to hear and I owned every bit of the sentence, "I AM AN ARTIST."

I chose to bloom and I'm so glad that I did.

 

***Stay tuned for my post about the class and the picture of my completed canvas....







All of the photos used in this blog post were taken by me in the Spring/Summer 2008

Dating.... eeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkk!

I'm ready to enter the world of dating, but not without trepidation.  Truthfully it scares the shit out of me.  And that's putting it mildly.  It's been 1,162 days since my ex-husband and I decided to end our 18 year relationship.  Am I ready to move forward?  Yes.  Does that mean I want to date?  Not really.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I want the excitement of meeting someone new, the excitement of discovering new things together, learning about each other, the rush of the first kiss.... the initial butterflies so on and so forth, I love all those things.  But honestly, there's some real assholes out there and I'm the first to admit that girls can be assholes too.  It's scary for both sides.  Mainly, I'm just afraid of being hurt.

While entering my church, I ponder a lot of these fears and my journey.  Thank God for nature, I'm not really sure what I'd do without it.  It's here that my soul is filled with the natural energy of this world and I reflect on the "now" of my journey.  So dating has been on the forefront of my mind and I've been giving this stage of my life a lot of thought.  The thoughts that I continue to ponder are what brought me here, am I truly ready, how do I know I am ready, what do I want from a partner, what are my intentions when meeting someone, and the list goes on and on.  Remember I told you in my reflection post...  I think A LOT!  I also rely on my intuition and ask for assistance from my spirit guides that I may be led on the path for my soul's highest good.  Thankfully, that makes me feel a little better about this horrific and terrifying process.

A few weeks ago I was sitting with a friend and the topic of dating came up.  I was first asked if I had dated anyone since my separation.  I replied that I hadn't.  Next question...  "Why haven't you dated yet?"  Well, jeez...  way to get right to the point.  Truthfully, I wasn't ready.  I answered honestly. Plain and simple, I hadn't dated because I wasn't ready.  I wanted to make sure my soul was clear.  I wanted to be sure my bruises had healed and I wasn't carrying around anymore baggage.  I have known from the beginning that I didn't want to enter into anything without clearing out my own cobwebs and really taking a soul journey of self-discovery again.  I think it's unfair to enter into a dating experience or relationship when we haven't taken the time to clear this space within ourselves.

1,162 days...  when I look at that number it looks so large, but it doesn't feel that way at all.  Time is so funny in that way.  I have really taken the time to "find" myself.  When you spend 18 years of your life with someone the lines get a little blurred.  Somewhere my line became a little fuzzy and I realized I had put a lot of energy outside of myself.  Sometimes it was taken from me, but most of the time I gave it away freely, which was my own doing.  I have realized that I don't want that again.  So, yes...  time was necessary for healing to take place.  Time was necessary to figure out what I want.

Although some of this I knew before my separation, in the 1,162 days I've had a lot of time to think about myself and deepen my understanding of some of these.

• I am ENOUGH.
• I am worthy, but you may not be worthy.
• I am a beautiful woman, inside and out.  My inner beauty radiates outward and is genuine.
• I am sensitive and deserve someone who understands this and cherishes it.
• I am an introvert.  This was a huge light bulb for me.  It was like the stars aligned when I realized this.
• It's important to be appreciated.
• I am strong.
• I am independent.
• I am ENOUGH. (I know I already said this)
• I don't need to be taken care of, but it's nice.
• I live my truth.  If you don't, please don't bother me.
• I don't need someone to make me happy, I am already happy.  I'd like to have someone add to my happiness.
• I am kind and thoughtful.
• Words mean NOTHING without actions to back them up.  Actions speak much louder than any of the words that escape our mouths.
• I am tenderhearted and it's not a weakness.
• I communicate what I need, want, and desire as well as my intentions.  If you don't...  don't bother me.
• Mean people suck.
• I know who I am and I stand by her.
• I am loyal to a fault.
• I am compassionate.
• I am a giver.
• I wear my heart on my sleeve and although I want to guard it, it goes against my nature to do so.
• I love easily.
• I love deeply.
• I feel everything...  deeply.
• I value my time.
• I am ENOUGH.

So...  am I ready to date?  Yes.  The largest thing I have come to realize is this...  I can't be with anyone that doesn't appreciate or respect what I have written above, to do so would be disrespecting myself.  I also can't be with someone who isn't up front and honest about themselves and living authentically.  Plain and Simple.

Dating....  eeek.  It scares the shit out of me but I am ready to explore this next stage of my life and I'm pretty excited about it. (most of the time)