The time we went crazy from quarantine and learned to listen to our ♥

"Changing" © 2018 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

This quarantine has allowed us to reflect on our lives, the world, the people we love, and rise to Mother Earth's call for controlling climate change and sustainable living. It has asked us to be better, do better. It has called us to be kind to one another and to ourselves. It has reminded us to look at what is important to us and to leave the nonsense behind. It has created the opportunity for a shift within each of us that has encouraged us to feel things most of us avoid. Do you feel the following: Uncomfortable in your own skin? Sadness? Anger? Restless? Elated to have a break from the world? Guilty for not doing more? Feel bad for having certain thoughts? Do you feel downright crazy from all of our feelings and thoughts that have been provoked during this time? Ungrounded from feeling the world's energy of fear and uncertainty?

Sweet little heart I saw in my driveway
this week.

I feel in my heart the shifts taking place currently are quite powerful and have called us to practice mindfulness, slow down, and be in the present moment with ourselves and our loved ones. Most days I try to live my life at a slower pace, mindful of my body, emotions, and the world around me, but I can feel myself shifting more.  I'm opening up further and doing my best to listen to my heart a little more. 

The truth is all of us are human. There are days and weeks when we are on a path that allows us to grow, awaken, and feel the change in positive ways and then there are days when the self-doubt, resistance, and fear of our ego sets in causing us to feel unbalanced, chaotic, and ungrounded. It's part of detoxifying from our old ways and part of being human. This week I'm having one of those weeks that have been more difficult. As the reality sinks in that it's been seven weeks since my kids started quarantine from school, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I'm a little in shock that it's been six weeks since I started limiting my interactions and movements in the community. I keep asking myself if that's possible. Is it true? I'm fairly certain that I'm not the only one that feels like every day runs into the next day. There are days I'm unsure what day of the week it is or the actual date. One day rolls into the next. My mind at times has trouble comprehending that it's really been seven weeks since the quarantine began. Who would have thought that this would have happened? I feel like we're living in a weird-ass sci-fi movie that warned all of us about disease transmission, infections and how they spread, and the end of the world as we knew it.

The first week I was okay. The second week the fear set in about the severity of what we were facing. The third week we shut our doors to anyone coming in that wasn't our family and I started to feel the loss of control. I could feel the collective consciousness and the fearful energy that was being transmitted through each person near and far. My internal feelings started to come unhinged. Agitation. Irritability. Deep sadness. ANGER. Restlessness. Ungrounded. Lack of balance. I knew that the journey was going to be a long haul and I needed to do something to preserve my sanity as well as process the emotions I was feeling. At the end of week three, I felt in my heart I had to do something to make a shift and started to increase my self-care. It's times like this that really shine a light on the areas in our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual bodies that need our attention. Deeper attention. Weeks four, five, and six I felt pretty good. Peaceful. Energized. Balanced. My devotion to a deeper self-care practice had helped me find balance, peace, and harmony with myself and my external world. Now that week seven is here I have to admit, I'm not feeling as balanced as I did in the last few weeks. I can feel the anger and sadness again. And today I reminded myself, it's okay. It's okay to feel this way, it's okay to let the feelings wash over me and give myself permission to be in this uncomfortable space. And just as I was giving myself permission to sit in this uncomfortable space, I reminded myself that through all of the emotions, I have also been loving myself SO deeply. Caring for myself in new ways and with more tenderness which is so important daily, but now more than ever.

Friends this is a time to listen. It's time to tune in to our quiet inner voice and the voice of your heart. Today I had to be reminded that I really needed to listen to the call of my heart and not the thoughts in my head, and the voice of my ego that can be so dismissive and diminishing. I had to focus on the difference between the voice of my head versus the voice of my heart. The voice of our ego and head can be so loud where the voice of our heart is very quiet and requires us to be still. Today the voice of my heart is winning, but yesterday the voice in my head clearly won and I felt terrible ALL DAY. My ego likes to tell me what I should or could be doing, I'm not enough, wasting time, or screams do more. My heart quietly asks, what do you REALLY want to do today? It asks me about joy and love. Today as I was reflecting on the contrast of the weeks I felt unbalanced versus the weeks of deep peace and serenity, it came down to my heart and listening. It came down to my practice of self-care and permission.

I feel in my heart this is also a time of permission. The pandemic has given us this wonderful opportunity to sit and be still. It is giving us this unique time to be free in our days and not fill our calendars with multiple appointments, and things we should do or need to do. It has given us freedom. The freedom to sit and listen, and give ourselves permission to be quiet and take care of ourselves in a way we haven't been doing. Yesterday, I had to really give myself permission. Permission to not look at my to-do list, permission to do NOTHING and feel the uncomfortable feelings, and permission to be in the moment of reflection instead of filling my day with action.

It's so easy to go to the place in our minds that tells us all the things we need to do and then feel guilty or bad for not following through. It's equally as easy to be down ourselves for all the ways we aren't making the most of this time and then have the feelings of shame and guilt follow suit. If this is happening to you, I understand. I have definitely had several of those moments. I have also had moments of balance, bliss, joy, and contentment. Thankfully I've had more blissful days than days of angst. 

I hope in the days ahead you can quiet your mind's voice, listen to the voice of your heart, and follow where the calling leads you. Forget about what you think you should do or could be doing and do exactly what your heart wants you to do. If you are having trouble listening to your heart or coming to a place of calm.

Here are a few of the self-care actions that keep me grounded, quiet my mind, and restore balance.
Remember to be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to be exactly what you need to be in the moment.

My Letting Go Lantern that I use
to release feelings, beliefs, and
anything I feel no longer serves me.

• Letting go rituals
• Deep breathing
• EFT (tapping)
• Journaling
• art of any kind... CREATE! The energy of creation always helps make the shift
• I have been creating art I want instead of art for sale
• Go for a walk in nature (MY FAVORITE!)
• Sitting outside with nature (Have you noticed how loud the birds are singing these days? And the trees are a beautiful lush green!)
• Listen to soothing music
• Positive affirmations
• Crystal healing
• Reading what you want and not what you have to
• Meditative practice- join a zoom sacred circle
• Creative time with friends through zoom
• Walk outside barefoot
• Reiki
• Gratitude!
• Do something physical- exercise, bike ride, pull weeds, exercise routine
• Cook something new (I've been doing a lot of this!)
• LAUGH- the best medicine! look at funny videos, watch a funny movie or sitcom, anything that is going to make you laugh. Laughing eliminates the stress hormones from your body. 
• Anything that makes you feel good.

May all of us accept ourselves in each moment, love ourselves more deeply, and lean into each shift calling us to change and be better than we were the day before. I am sending you love and light as you listen to your heart. May you have the courage to follow your heart's call where it leads you. 

"With These Wings I CAN Fly"
© 2017 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing, Whimsical Jewels

Late night writings

"Changing" Acrylic painting,
© 2018 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels

Inspiration.  Do you ever notice when yours comes?  Do you pay attention to this quiet voice that gives us big ideas or do you ignore it because the timing is inconvenient?  For me the answers are yes, yes, and yes.  I have found that the voice of inspiration comes when I least expect it... in the shower, walking in the woods, in the middle of the night, when I'm driving down the road, observing other artist's work, looking at the wonders of nature, observing bright, bold colors, listening to music, and sometimes in the middle of a conversation.  Lately my ideas and inspiration have come during the night.  I'll awake from a sound sleep and have all of these ideas in my head.  I then feel this sense of urgency to hurry and write them down.  I have been known to ignore them, because it's the middle of the night and well... I'm sleeping and I'm tired.  I've learned though, that most of the time when you ignore that little voice, the inspiration goes away and doesn't return until the next big idea.  Try as I might, I can never conjure up the inspiration or feelings that were invoked at the time inspiration spoke to me.

Lately my inspiration has been coupled with my emotional content and what I'm processing internally.  Time weighs heavy on my heart and on my mind.  When your staring Father Time in the face wondering when the clock will stop ticking, it definitely raises all kinds of uncertainty and a level of emotions I can't place into words.  That's my current story right now.  It's not an easy story to tell, because right now there is a vulnerability that comes with an authentic raw emotion that cuts to my core, leaving my heart aching and a sickness in my belly.  I have wrestled with myself internally and went back and forth about sharing my feelings.  I feel very vulnerable and emotionally raw.  That's my truth and my story.  The wrestling is over.  I've decided to share it because it's healing for me.  A couple weeks ago, in the middle of the night, inspiration called and I had no choice but to listen.  This time it was about my dear momma.

I've been called to write about her a few times over the years.  She's a very influential part of who I am as a woman and as a mother.  In December, I was awakened from a very powerful dream, with the same sense of urgency to record my thoughts and feelings.  I still carry my dream message with me, because I lovingly talked with my mother the day after the dream.  December was a really stressful month.  At the beginning of the month, my dear mother was hospitalized for several days, on 12/13 we experienced the anniversary of 9 years without my brother Jon, and on 12/15 my husband said goodbye to his brother.  It was a really tough month in our family.  My dream came the night before my brother's anniversary and it was so powerful.  In my dream, my soul openly spoke to my mother with a pure love I've never experienced before.  I have grieved the loss of my brother, HARD, for the first few years after he died and thankfully now when the anniversary of his death arrives, it's an honored space more than a sad, grief space.  I take the time to honor his life and what he meant to me while he was here.  For my mother, it's a lot different.  I don't pretend to know what she goes through as a mother losing her son, and when I think about it, the feelings almost break me.  In the dream, I shared that pain with her, and in that moment I could feel the tremendous pain of her heavy loss and it was unimaginable.  During that moment of love, we sat and openly talked with one another sharing our love for one another.  When I awoke from the dream I was crying.  I felt the need to write it down, and realized I had a few things I needed to say to my dear mom.  Instead of popping out of bed to quickly write it down, I trusted myself to remember what I needed to say to her.  For some reason, I didn't fear losing it, quite possibly because it was so powerful and the emotions I felt were quite deep.

Over the years, I have spoken with individuals who have lost a sibling and I've read books on grief and this particular loss.  In my own research and in the pages I read, a lot of siblings shared they felt neglected by their parents after their sibling died.  When holidays would come, they expressed the same type of experiences...  Instead of celebrating life and a joyous time of togetherness during the holiday/birthday/etc, the parents focused on the death of their child and that they weren't there to celebrate with them.  For a lot of children who have lost a sibling, there can be a sense of survivor's guilt with irrational thoughts and feelings that come as a result of this tremendous loss.  Thankfully, I have NEVER had to experience those feelings.  I absolutely went through survivor's guilt, but it was part of my grieving process, not because my mother, or father for that matter, caused the feelings.  In my dream, I felt my mother's broken heart and her feelings of loss.  Her heart was whole and full of love prior to Jon's death, and after this tremendous loss she felt incomplete, broken, and her heart was missing the other half.

In my dream, the purity and power of her love was clearly communicated to me.  Her soul spoke so lovingly to mine, sharing that Jon and I were the true loves of her life, and with him gone, her heart felt incomplete.  As I share this, I can feel her pain and her love simultaneously.  It immediately brings me to tears and makes my heart ache.  My soul so beautifully expressed my understanding, and how loved I felt by her despite her burden of grief.  In my dream I thanked her for her love and for always making me feel wanted, despite missing the other part of her heart.  This dream was such a gift to my heart, healing in its own way.  The next day, (my brother's anniversary) I called and thanked her for her gift of unconditional love, for allowing me to be the love of her life, and for always loving me just as I am, nothing more or less.  We cried together and expressed our love for one another.  That moment, in dream and in our phone conversation, will be something I will hold in my heart forever.

A couple weeks ago, after being asleep for a little while, I was suddenly wide awake.  During the day, I had some pretty terrible news about my mother's health and I was processing everything before drifting off to sleep.  When I awoke, I was really groggy and quite tired.  Emotionally I was spent.  I really wanted to roll over and go back to sleep, pushing my ideas and thoughts to the side, forgetting that I had been woken by the voice of inspiration.  I can't lie, I contemplated it for a few minutes, and then told her to go away that I was tired, and I really didn't want to deal with the emotional content of her inspiration.  Somewhere deep inside me there was this voice... "If you don't go write it down and write it out, you will regret it."  Then like a flood, these ideas, thoughts, feelings, and MEMORIES had come to me in that moment and quite frankly, I didn't want to forget them.  Begrudgingly I got up.  I went to my studio, and started writing in my journal.  For 2 hours, I wrote.  I remembered things, I hadn't remembered and saw things from a different set of lenses.  A new pair of glasses.  My heart hurt and my body shook from my sobs, but there I sat writing until I couldn't write anymore.  When I finished writing and my tears stopped flowing, I felt so much better.  I saw things differently.  I also had this sense of "Knowing" that wasn't there before.

I have a Rumi journal that has his beautiful quotes on each page.  In the silent hours of the night, I scribbled on the pages of my journal about love, beauty, and childhood.  I wrote about motherhood and the blessings of love that I have received.  Perfectly aligned with my late night writings were these 4 Rumi quotes: "Love is a cloud that scatters pearls."  "God created your wings not to be dormant.  As long as you are alive you must try more and more to use your wings to show you're alive."  "Thankfulness brings you to the place where the Beloved lives."  "You think because you understand "one" you must also understand "two," because one and one make two.  But you must also understand "and."   Each quote, magically aligned for a deeper knowing and sense of gratitude that I had listened to the voice inside me, calling to scribble on my pages.

"Blue", Mixed Media Nature Mandala
© 2017 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels

My momma...  What best describes this woman I call Mother?  Is it grace or beauty?  Is it pure love and loyalty?  Is it strength and fire?  Is it tenderness?  Is it thoughtful and kind?  Is it protective and fierce?  I'd say all of these are perfect descriptions of the woman I have the honor to call mom.  A few months ago, if you had asked me what my greatest loss in life had been, I would have told you, hands down, my brother.  Now staring at the possibility of losing my mother, without really knowing when, and on a much more rapid time table, I can easily say... her.  She will be my greatest loss.  I haven't even felt her loss yet and I can say without a doubt this will be my greatest loss.  She is my beginning.  The roots in my tree.  And what do you do when your tree has been uprooted?

42 years ago, I was a little "seedling" in the tree of life called my mother, or as I like to call her... mommy or momma.  She has lovingly guided me throughout my life and really placed a solid foundation for me as a woman.  Any words I use, will be inadequate for describing my gratitude and love for this dear woman.  She is pure love and embodies it in her core.  My descriptive words of love barely scratch the surface of who she is and my love for her.  From the time, she knew she was pregnant with me, she loved me.  She did what she could to protect me, and cared for me with a love so deep I can feel it in my core.  Throughout childhood into adulthood, she has been a fierce lioness protecting me, her cub.  She has been a strong and fierce, a force to be reckoned with.  God help you, if you did anything to hurt Jon or I.  These days, it is I that protects her.  And quite honestly, my actions pale in comparison to hers.  Her love has always been flawless and gentle, unconditional and forgiving.  She was a good teacher of love, friendship, and how to be a good mother.  Her teachings showed me taught me to stand on my own feet as a woman.  She made sure to give me the tools I would need to be successful in this life.  I could go on and on... but you get my point.

So now here I am, looking at my time with this incredible woman.  Life is short, and her time is being
shortened by cancer.  It makes me feel all the feels.  Some would ask for healing and would beg Father time for more time, but that's not where I am in my journey.  I accept that this is where I am and where she is.  I surrender to this process, knowing I can't control it.  The only thing I can do is love her fiercely and support her decisions as she rides the last wave.  I have appreciated every second I have had with her.  She has loved me with a depth I am inadequate in describing and even father time can't take that from me because love is eternally infinite.

"Acceptance" Acrylic painting
© 2016 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels

Unexpected Turns and the act of surrendering

How do you start each year?  Do you set a list of goals you want to accomplish?  Do you say a few New Year's resolutions and then develop a plan to take action?  After listing goals and resolutions, do you go full speed ahead then find that by the end of January you are exhausted and slowly start to relinquish your goals and resolutions?  This was definitely my story for many years.  I never really gave up completely on my goals and resolutions, but through reflection I could see patterns of behavior and my story as it played out.  I would work really hard at what I set out to accomplish, but then after a few weeks I realize I would start to lose ground on completion and the energy I used to tackle these new goals, would fade.  Then I would start to feel bad.  Really bad.  My inner critic would start yelling words like... "You failed.  Why can't you complete this?  What's wrong with you?"  That voice can be so brutally daunting, unforgiving, and relentless.

Then something magical happened.  A few years ago, my good friend, Brian Burrell, had a Facebook post stating his approach to the new year was letting a word choose him.  He credited his business coach, Christine Kane, for guiding him with this approach and shared a link regarding this remarkable, intuitive approach to the new year.  I followed the link, read her post, and thought, "what do I have to lose?"  So, I gave it a try...  My life and world was forever changed.  This new approach did exactly what her blog post said it would (Click on her name and it will take you to the blog post) it took the "should" out of my goals, called me out, and allowed me to create change within myself while honoring the space I was in at the time.  For the last few years, the words that have chosen me are Trust, Acceptance, and Surrender.  Powerful words that have a way of shaping us and molding us into something else.  At the end of 2017, I felt that Surrender wanted to stay with me and it had more to teach me.  As a result, I chose to listen and follow the path Surrender has for me.

Life has many unexpected turns that have the ability to crack me open and allow break through to happen, if I allow it, through the act of surrendering.  Over the years, I have noticed several opportunities for this level of awakening and transformation.  There have been times when I allowed change and transformation to occur, but usually never at a full surrender.  My ego still wanted me to be in control and as a result I would resist or try to manipulate the situation so I could feel "in control".  Do you know that saying, "what we resist, will persist?"  So, surrender and I are doing this elaborate dance with one another.  She leads and I'm trying my best to surrender control and follow.  In 2017, I saw some changes within myself as a result of my new friend, Surrender, and thankfully I have been able to recognize when she shows up to teach me something new.  

By surrendering, I manifested a beautiful home with a dreamy art studio.  I have allowed love to reenter my life.  I've felt a love I've never experienced before with a partner that is fully committed, and as he puts it, "all in."  I've had some success with commissioned art pieces that have allowed for connections with people, connections that have contributed to my soul's evolution.  By surrendering fear, I have become part of an amazing group of women who are empowering, uplifting, and committed to their success in this life, as well as, the success of other women.  Surrender has allowed me to step into the light and be big, instead of cowering in the corner in an attempt to be small and hidden.  These steps led to conducting my first healing art workshops.  Surrendering has allowed me to say YES more often and listen to the voice inside me that guides the direction of my heart.  All of these lessons have given me a sense of empowerment, love and connections with my community while allowing me to serve myself and others on a deeper level.

As life would have it, there have been some unexpected turns and uncomfortable gifts.  Gifts that continue to shape and mold me, awaken me to a deeper sense of self, and free me from the bondage my ego likes to enslave me with.  My unexpected turns came in a few different forms and have allowed me to awaken to limiting beliefs I have encased my soul's growth with, limiting my abilities to manifest more in my life.  I realized recently, that although I call my challenges uncomfortable gifts and I see them positively as areas of opportunity for growth, I also had a limiting belief surrounding it.  This limiting belief states I need challenges in order to grow, which I realize is not true.  I can continually grow without having earth shattering change and challenges.

Over the last few months, we have dealt with the death of a loved one, my mom's deteriorating health with hospitalization, my mom having cancer again, and having to locate a different house to live in.  Grieving the loss of my yummy art studio.  All of these unexpected turns have hit my family at the same time and are equally difficult in their own way.  Surrender has really opened my eyes, called me out on my story, and allowed me the opportunity to grow.  I'm not sure where she's leading me, but I know I'm going to be okay.  I know that the Divine order of things is watching over me, supporting me in my journey, and will provide whatever I need at the moment of need.  I know I am loved and that this love is unconditional and infinite.  So, I take her hand and follow wherever she leads, surrendering to her process and will.  And it is here through surrendering, that I will blossom into my soul's evolution and what my heart desires.

Image 1: ©2015 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels "Letting Go"
Image 2: ©2016 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels "Transformation 3"
Image 3: ©2017 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels "Bloom"

The evolution of an artist and a forever work in progress.

Evolution 

The gradual development of something, especially from a simple to a more complex form. 

Since my art journey began, many moons ago, my art has changed, transformed, and evolved, and so have I.  As I look back on past creations, I am reminded how far I have come as an artist and the evolution and development it has taken over the years.  Not only have I witnessed my art evolve but through art, I have evolved as a human and grown in ways that were unimaginable at the time.  It has taken a lot of hard work, showing up for myself when I wanted to hide, PATIENCE, acceptance, and practice.

This past year has been the fastest artistic growth I have seen thus far.  Words will be an inadequate description of the year I had painting under the gentle guidance of Flora Bowley but I will do my best to convey the beautiful experience I had.  This experience caused my seed to crack open and bloom into a magnificent creative flower.  If you read my last post, I had no choice but to bloom, then you know what happened and how I stumbled into the world of Flora Bowley.  From this post, you also know, that this experience was life changing and my creative lens was adjusted to see a whole different world, one that enhanced the unique and beautiful world I was already seeing.

I turned 40 in February 2015 and it has been by far, the best birthday yet.  I was surrounded by amazing friends who I love and came together to celebrate my life, wishing me well in the year ahead. Although my soul sister couldn't attend she gave me the gift of Flora.  An amazing, life altering gift that took me down a creative path I had not yet been on, lighting a fire no one will ever be able to extinguish.  The best gift EVER!

Although I'd love to go into a crazy amount of detail about Flora's wonderful intuitive painting E-course, I don't feel that it's right for me to do so.  What I will do is explain what each week meant to me and how at times it was painfully joyous.  The course was exactly what my soul needed and the timing perfect!  There were so many times throughout the course that I felt the course was carved out just for me.  It was as if Flora knew exactly what I was thinking and feeling, a sure sign that she is a messenger and vessel of spirit.  Each time these beautiful moments happened I smiled and thanked the spirit world for bringing me exactly what I needed and thanked Flora for saying just the right things at the exact time so I could heal and crack open.  So, here is what this gift meant to me.....

Let's be honest...  if someone tells you that soul work is easy, they are not doing something right or not being truthful with themselves.  I have found that anytime I work on my life, things I want to get better at, or areas I want to focus on to be a better person... it is WORK.  Soul work is work too.  Progress.  Improvement.  Work.  Onward and upward, right?  Some days the work is harder than other days and I have to gently remind myself that showing up each day to do the work is step one and worth verbally praising myself for doing so.  We are our own worst critics and it's astonishing how abusive we are to ourselves.  I have listened to the brutal voice in my head for far too long and as I make attempts to silence her and listen to the other voice that says, "I am worth it, I can do this, I am loved, and I am supported" I am finding that the world is in fact brighter and opportunities abound.

Flora's E-course began the last week of January 2015, however, I didn't really "start" until after the course had already been underway for a few weeks.  I really started to dive in the first week of April and it took me a little while to clear my head space to start, as well as being able to emotionally and physically give it my all, because of the heavy life circumstances I was experiencing I needed a little clarity before diving in.  Seriously, the course was concluding and I was beginning, so I was VERY grateful that Flora left the e-course up for us to access for 6 months after the conclusion of the course, so people like me were able to finish the course, as well as, do it in our own time, at our own pace.  Flowers don't bloom and grow at the same pace and neither do we.  Being able to complete this course on my terms became one of the biggest blessings, and the fact that I had permission to do it as I pleased, allowed the magic to really happen.

Each week comes with a theme and during the week there are a series of creative exercises to do based on the theme.  I found each exercise Flora presented, gave me a deeper understanding of the theme, and allowed me to open further which gave me a more enriched life experience and creative journey.  The exercises are completely voluntary and you can do as much or as little as you like.  Even though the soul work and showing up for myself to do the exercises was extremely hard at times, I was always excited about what was next and the information being presented.  I was a sponge that absorbed it all and when I thought I was full, I realized I wasn't.  :)  I found the course to be PERFECT for the established artist and the beginner with no experience.

I have always been fairly intuitive and felt connected with the spirit world around me.  I'm a seeker and because of this I am always searching for answers and connecting to the mystery around me.  As I dove into week one, Intuition, I found myself connecting even more with the spirit world and nature.  I loved being able to make a connection between my art and my intuition.  Intuitive painting was a scary concept for me.  To stand in front of a canvas with no concept, theme, or idea about what to paint raised all the flags of fear imaginable.  But I embraced it and I did so with courage and eager anticipation.  I found that as the lessons progressed I was completing them in perfect alignment with what I needed in my personal and creative life.  The stars continued to align in a magical dance the entire course and the magic didn't stop once the course was over.

Week 1: Layer 1 &2; Week 2 : Layer 3, 4, & 5; Week 3: Layer 6 & 7; Week 4: Layer 8

The hardest week I had during the course was week two...  Letting GO.  This week's lesson I needed the MOST...  on all of the following levels- spiritual, emotional, physical, mental and creative.  I believe that each of these levels are intertwined with each other and when one is out of balance it causes an imbalance in the other.  Our systems are quite remarkable and will cooperatively work harder to bring the other system in balance before reaching an imbalance itself.  I love that about our bodies.  Week two was where I did the most work and spent the most time in my soul and my art.  I stayed in this weeks lesson for 2 months and didn't move on to the following week until I felt ready.  It did cause me to have to rush a little towards the end but I felt that I needed that too.  What I needed most always presented itself exactly when I needed it.  Learning to let go of my ego and the fear I held on to regarding my art was a tremendous transformation.  Each day that I did the soul work regarding the theme of letting go, I could see myself morphing into something beautiful and the transformation I felt was uncomfortable and incredible...simultaneously.  The most powerful transformation I had during this week's lesson was embracing the words, "I AM AN ARTIST" and letting go of the thoughts that I had bouncing in my head shouting that I was not and the detrimental thoughts that my art wasn't good enough, I wasn't good enough.  I haven't completely purged myself of these limiting thoughts but I am working on it.  I can see that because I'm not holding on to this limiting view, my expression through art has radically changed.  It has opened a flood gate of creativity that was waiting to be released.

Week three...  Your inspiring life, felt light and airy.  I enjoyed taking a look at the world around me and concentrating on the micro and macro details then doing a fast sketch based on what I saw.  It was in this week that I realized how powerful fast sketches can be.  When I think of myself as an artist, I will be the first to tell you, I don't draw well.  I have loved drawing since I was a small child and remember soothing my soul's pain with drawing and music.  Over the last few years I have quieted the voice in my head that told me I couldn't draw and did it anyway.  During this week, Flora made sure to say aloud that we had PERMISSION to draw without the attachment that they had to be good.  This was so liberating for me and the fact that someone outside of my being gave me permission to have a crappy drawing allowed me to feel free.  It sounds so silly now but I realize how shackled I had become to the idea that what I drew had to be good or recognizable to someone other than me.  The days that followed I drew more and I needed that.  I also really enjoyed finding what I loved to draw and seeing through a different lens.  My peace absolutely comes from enjoying and seeing the natural world around me.  When I took my sketchbook out with me and stared at macro and micro images, it was as if the world exploded around me.  In this week I also gave myself permission to paint the images I LOVE and feel connected to, even if they were the same images I had been jotting down for eons.  Another very powerful lesson in week 3 was entering "THE AWKWARD TEENAGER PHASE" with my art.  My painting was exactly that, I felt it and at this stage I really hated my painting.  When this phrase came out of Flora's mouth, it was as if the stars aligned and I could move past it knowing this awkward teenager phase would pass.  It allowed me to not become stuck and allowed the fear of "will this ever be good?" or "can I really paint something beautiful?" to leave.  Since this remarkable class, I have entered the awkward teenager phase with every single one of my paintings and every time the fear arises I chuckle, and gently remind myself that this too shall pass and the result will be something beautiful, to be patient, and allow my voice to emerge.  I surrendered to the process and really learned to trust myself, my abilities, and that my creative voice would emerge without me having to force it.

Week 4: Layer 9; Week 5: Layer 10 - 12;
Layer 12 - 16 was applying everything I learned in the course and getting  everything right

Week four...  Being BRAVE!  In this week my soul emerged with courage and bravery and left my ego behind.  This was absolutely necessary especially when being in the awkward teenager phase.  As my ego tried to take hold and convince me that I wasn't an artist, I wasn't good enough, or riddled my being with fear, my soul gently reminded me that I was safe, my creative voice was beautiful, and to be brave and step into the light.  When I took the step and embraced the courage to do so, fear was left behind and my ego was quiet.  My soul stood firmly and my creative voice was heard loud and clear.  Love emerged and with love, my painting emerged too.  Beyond my painting, I began to have the courage to share my artwork more.  This brave act was so liberating.  The response to my artwork from those that I shared it with was remarkable.  I finally felt like I had arrived.

All of these layers were adding the finishing touches to my painting.
These layers were really a continuation of week 5 and allowing my authentic voice to emerge,
giving my painting a voice and my brush an opportunity to speak.

Week five...  Finding your authentic voice.  Truth is by the time I got to week four and five I had to go a little faster because the online availability of this dynamic course was drawing to a close.  It wasn't because there wasn't enough time to access it, it was because at the beginning I allowed fear to conquer me, life's circumstances were way too heavy for me to take on anything else, and the demons screaming in my head that I wasn't going to paint anything beautiful were deafening.  So, yes I had plenty of time to get to week five, but the reasons I just stated AND the fact I had spent nearly two months in week two letting go of many of the negative ideas and beliefs I held as well as the limitations my mind framed around me, caused me to rush a little towards the end of the course.  The truth is, I believe I needed that too.  Because I had to "rush" and didn't have time to "think" or listen to the demons, I was in a beautiful state of spiritual and creative awareness.  It was here that I embraced the idea to be brave and "BE" in the moment and I was able to paint from a place of complete freedom.  It was there that my authentic voice emerged.  I realized that for years now I had been developing my style and trying on different things creatively to see what was my fit, my voice.  I had been testing the water for all of it and it took courage to do that.  We are our own worst critic and sometimes we cause the magic to stop as a result.  I realized I had done that too.  But by the end of week five, magic was in the air and on my canvas.  My soul was filled with joy and my energy was vibrating at a frequency I can't describe in words.

This gift was the second best gift I have ever received in my life, the first being motherhood.  The experience was incredibly HARD because soul work is hard, and at the same time when I stepped into the flow and just accepted the magic, it was also incredibly EASY.  That in itself is a lesson.  This e-course is so much more than a painting class...  it's a lesson in spiritual awareness, awakening, self-esteem, empowerment, accepting that we are divine and beautiful, LISTENING to our inner voice and the voice of the world around us, and acceptance.  If you are thinking...  I'm not an artist nor do I know anything about art... that's okay, you don't have to be an artist or know anything about art to take this online course.  If you are thinking, I'm an established artist and don't need another painting class or instruction on how to paint...  I am here to tell you that this is not just a painting course, it's more than that.  If you want to give yourself a true gift, buy this class for yourself.  It will be the greatest gift you give yourself and I PROMISE it will be worth every penny you spend on it.  Or maybe give it to someone else...  I'm glad Karin gave it to me...  Best gift EVER!

As I said in the beginning, when I look at my art over the years, I realize how each moment has led to this one.  I can see how much I have evolved and transformed.  Each stage of my life different just like my art.  Flora's e-course allowed me to crack my artistic seed open and sink my roots into a new belief.  The belief that I AM AN ARTIST and what I create is MY VOICE and it is beautiful.  It doesn't have to be beautiful to anyone else because my creative voice is enough and says what my creative work is.  Even now as I look at my finished painting on the wall, my inner critic has come out a few times stating the various areas my painting could improve and I've had to stop the voice.  I believe this voice can be helpful or it can be hurtful.  The voice can push us to be more than what we are or stop us from becoming.  I became something beautiful.  I bloomed beyond my dreams.  I have evolved and I will continue to do so because I am a forever work in progress.

Just like the pure joy emitting from the face of "S" skeleton,
my heart felt the same.

My art hanging in my home next to my
daughter's art... pure joy.