The art of processing life and grief through intuitive painting

"Rooted in Love" ©2021
Intuitive art created to process my grief of losing my mom

To watch this painting come to life, click the link to watch the video of my process: https://vimeo.com/663460394

Saying goodbye to those we love is exceptionally hard. We long for more time. We lament all the milestones our loved ones will miss once they transition into the spirit form. After our loved one's transition, we grieve so many different aspects of the loss it can feel overwhelming and at times suffocating. The act of letting go is hard, frustrating, and can feel like a task bigger than our hearts can bear. The world moves on while we are grieving which can feel lonely. Those that love us have a hard time with our heart pain and want us to move on too, consciously or unconsciously, so they can feel better. The truth is processing grief and the emotions that arise from loss can feel consuming, unbearable, and uncomfortable. Art has assisted me process so many life events, profound grief, and the emotions that arise from people and situations. 

On March 20, 2022, at 2pm I will be sharing my experience of processing grief and the art of letting go at a special virtual pop-up. I invite you to join me as I share how art has provided an outlet for my grief, life, and assisted in healing my heart and spirit. Here's the link to learn a little more and to save your spot on zoom: https://www.snapdragonjournal.com/popups

For more information about me, the services I offer to assist with healing through art, and the art I have available for sale check out my website at https://www.artfullyhealing.com/

 

The time we went crazy from quarantine and learned to listen to our ♥

"Changing" © 2018 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

This quarantine has allowed us to reflect on our lives, the world, the people we love, and rise to Mother Earth's call for controlling climate change and sustainable living. It has asked us to be better, do better. It has called us to be kind to one another and to ourselves. It has reminded us to look at what is important to us and to leave the nonsense behind. It has created the opportunity for a shift within each of us that has encouraged us to feel things most of us avoid. Do you feel the following: Uncomfortable in your own skin? Sadness? Anger? Restless? Elated to have a break from the world? Guilty for not doing more? Feel bad for having certain thoughts? Do you feel downright crazy from all of our feelings and thoughts that have been provoked during this time? Ungrounded from feeling the world's energy of fear and uncertainty?

Sweet little heart I saw in my driveway
this week.

I feel in my heart the shifts taking place currently are quite powerful and have called us to practice mindfulness, slow down, and be in the present moment with ourselves and our loved ones. Most days I try to live my life at a slower pace, mindful of my body, emotions, and the world around me, but I can feel myself shifting more.  I'm opening up further and doing my best to listen to my heart a little more. 

The truth is all of us are human. There are days and weeks when we are on a path that allows us to grow, awaken, and feel the change in positive ways and then there are days when the self-doubt, resistance, and fear of our ego sets in causing us to feel unbalanced, chaotic, and ungrounded. It's part of detoxifying from our old ways and part of being human. This week I'm having one of those weeks that have been more difficult. As the reality sinks in that it's been seven weeks since my kids started quarantine from school, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I'm a little in shock that it's been six weeks since I started limiting my interactions and movements in the community. I keep asking myself if that's possible. Is it true? I'm fairly certain that I'm not the only one that feels like every day runs into the next day. There are days I'm unsure what day of the week it is or the actual date. One day rolls into the next. My mind at times has trouble comprehending that it's really been seven weeks since the quarantine began. Who would have thought that this would have happened? I feel like we're living in a weird-ass sci-fi movie that warned all of us about disease transmission, infections and how they spread, and the end of the world as we knew it.

The first week I was okay. The second week the fear set in about the severity of what we were facing. The third week we shut our doors to anyone coming in that wasn't our family and I started to feel the loss of control. I could feel the collective consciousness and the fearful energy that was being transmitted through each person near and far. My internal feelings started to come unhinged. Agitation. Irritability. Deep sadness. ANGER. Restlessness. Ungrounded. Lack of balance. I knew that the journey was going to be a long haul and I needed to do something to preserve my sanity as well as process the emotions I was feeling. At the end of week three, I felt in my heart I had to do something to make a shift and started to increase my self-care. It's times like this that really shine a light on the areas in our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual bodies that need our attention. Deeper attention. Weeks four, five, and six I felt pretty good. Peaceful. Energized. Balanced. My devotion to a deeper self-care practice had helped me find balance, peace, and harmony with myself and my external world. Now that week seven is here I have to admit, I'm not feeling as balanced as I did in the last few weeks. I can feel the anger and sadness again. And today I reminded myself, it's okay. It's okay to feel this way, it's okay to let the feelings wash over me and give myself permission to be in this uncomfortable space. And just as I was giving myself permission to sit in this uncomfortable space, I reminded myself that through all of the emotions, I have also been loving myself SO deeply. Caring for myself in new ways and with more tenderness which is so important daily, but now more than ever.

Friends this is a time to listen. It's time to tune in to our quiet inner voice and the voice of your heart. Today I had to be reminded that I really needed to listen to the call of my heart and not the thoughts in my head, and the voice of my ego that can be so dismissive and diminishing. I had to focus on the difference between the voice of my head versus the voice of my heart. The voice of our ego and head can be so loud where the voice of our heart is very quiet and requires us to be still. Today the voice of my heart is winning, but yesterday the voice in my head clearly won and I felt terrible ALL DAY. My ego likes to tell me what I should or could be doing, I'm not enough, wasting time, or screams do more. My heart quietly asks, what do you REALLY want to do today? It asks me about joy and love. Today as I was reflecting on the contrast of the weeks I felt unbalanced versus the weeks of deep peace and serenity, it came down to my heart and listening. It came down to my practice of self-care and permission.

I feel in my heart this is also a time of permission. The pandemic has given us this wonderful opportunity to sit and be still. It is giving us this unique time to be free in our days and not fill our calendars with multiple appointments, and things we should do or need to do. It has given us freedom. The freedom to sit and listen, and give ourselves permission to be quiet and take care of ourselves in a way we haven't been doing. Yesterday, I had to really give myself permission. Permission to not look at my to-do list, permission to do NOTHING and feel the uncomfortable feelings, and permission to be in the moment of reflection instead of filling my day with action.

It's so easy to go to the place in our minds that tells us all the things we need to do and then feel guilty or bad for not following through. It's equally as easy to be down ourselves for all the ways we aren't making the most of this time and then have the feelings of shame and guilt follow suit. If this is happening to you, I understand. I have definitely had several of those moments. I have also had moments of balance, bliss, joy, and contentment. Thankfully I've had more blissful days than days of angst. 

I hope in the days ahead you can quiet your mind's voice, listen to the voice of your heart, and follow where the calling leads you. Forget about what you think you should do or could be doing and do exactly what your heart wants you to do. If you are having trouble listening to your heart or coming to a place of calm.

Here are a few of the self-care actions that keep me grounded, quiet my mind, and restore balance.
Remember to be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to be exactly what you need to be in the moment.

My Letting Go Lantern that I use
to release feelings, beliefs, and
anything I feel no longer serves me.

• Letting go rituals
• Deep breathing
• EFT (tapping)
• Journaling
• art of any kind... CREATE! The energy of creation always helps make the shift
• I have been creating art I want instead of art for sale
• Go for a walk in nature (MY FAVORITE!)
• Sitting outside with nature (Have you noticed how loud the birds are singing these days? And the trees are a beautiful lush green!)
• Listen to soothing music
• Positive affirmations
• Crystal healing
• Reading what you want and not what you have to
• Meditative practice- join a zoom sacred circle
• Creative time with friends through zoom
• Walk outside barefoot
• Reiki
• Gratitude!
• Do something physical- exercise, bike ride, pull weeds, exercise routine
• Cook something new (I've been doing a lot of this!)
• LAUGH- the best medicine! look at funny videos, watch a funny movie or sitcom, anything that is going to make you laugh. Laughing eliminates the stress hormones from your body. 
• Anything that makes you feel good.

May all of us accept ourselves in each moment, love ourselves more deeply, and lean into each shift calling us to change and be better than we were the day before. I am sending you love and light as you listen to your heart. May you have the courage to follow your heart's call where it leads you. 

"With These Wings I CAN Fly"
© 2017 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing, Whimsical Jewels

The dawn of a new decade

The last ten years have been a season of growth, transformation, change, heartache, and tearing down. Tearing down sounds negative, but with a different point of view, tearing down is necessary for a rebuild. I have experienced really high highs and really low lows. Through it all I have gained experience, I have become a different person, and I have learned a great deal about myself, people, and the world around me. I've spent the last week or so reflecting on the last ten years and today specifically I compared it to the decade of time before 2009-2019. It's an interesting contrast and what I've gained from each decade is pretty remarkable. When we reflect on our experiences I think most of us can find the light and hope that existed with the darkness of each challenge. That is if we want to. Perspective has such a remarkable impact on the lens we are peering through to see the world and our experience.

You are strong. "Rearranged" © 2016
Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

When I think of this last decade, I'm in awe of all I went through to get where I am now. The last ten years have really kicked my ass, shattered my heart, stripped me of everything, and then rebuilt me. If this was a boxing match, I definitely lost several times, but I kept fighting. Each time I was knocked down, I got back up and faced the next match, game face ready with an open heart ready to love and ready to fight. I've endured loss, grief, hardship, struggle, challenges, happiness, joy, abundance, love, miracles, and a tremendous amount of growth. I have gratitude in my heart for all of it because if I hadn't went through these experiences that have tore my walls down, stripped me of who I was, and shed the skin I was in, I wouldn't be who I am right now. And she is beautiful and magnificent. I have fought hard to get where I am, I've worked hard to see the lessons in each challenge, and to overcome the fear of moving forward. My heart is open, willing, and ready for what the next decade will be. I know that whatever happens I'm supported, I'm loved, and I will experience growth in ways I haven't experienced up until now. 

I entered 2009 with a loss so big it shook my world and shattered my heart. I experienced the heaviest grief. I walked into 2009 confused, sad, distraught, shattered, and angry wondering how I was going to overcome the grief I was experiencing after losing my brother on December 13, 2008. And now as I leave 2019, I'm once again experiencing a magnanimous loss. The loss of my mother has left me forever changed and different. I entered the decade losing my brother and friend, and now I leave the decade losing my mother and friend. It feels full circle. Both of these losses have shaped and molded me, taught me lessons I couldn't have experienced otherwise, helped me understand myself and grief, and have allowed me to connect and understand people with deep compassion. My heart misses both of them more than I can express but through both of these losses, I have experienced the greatest love and growth. They were such wonderful teachers to me emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. They may be gone physically, but I know that they will continue to teach me in the days ahead. Although the body is gone, love remains and holds us, connects us with an invisible thread. And through their love, I will continue to seek guidance and learn what they have to show me.

"Rearranged" Ⓒ 2016; Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

I watched my marriage fall apart and disintegrate, all the while wondering if I could endure the challenge and hardship that would ensue as a single mother and woman in this world. Everything that I believed in was shattered. My way of life challenged. There were days I wondered how I was going to get through the heartache of losing someone I loved so dearly. I wondered how I was going to pay for everything and at times where my next meal was coming from. It seemed like everyone had an opinion on what I should do. As I shed the skin of everything I believed in, everything I knew about myself, and everything I thought I should or shouldn't do, I was able to find myself and the foundation of my belief system. Through this loss, I was cracked open, transformed, and reborn. This loss taught me so many lessons and gave me so many gifts, too many to list in this short reflection. I was humbled and shed so many of my beliefs. The skin I wore at the end of my marriage was very different than the skin I wore when I finished walking through the hellacious challenge of separation and loss. The woman I was when I entered my marriage was very different than the woman I was when it fell apart, and then the woman I am now. Through darkness and loss, I transformed and learned the true art of surrender and acceptance. 

This past decade there has been so much loss and grief. I came close to losing my self-employment contract a few times which would have been a loss of income..my only source of regular income. I lost my brother and mother. I lost my marriage. I lost a home I had been in for 8 years. I lost my car I worked so hard to get. I lost myself.

Karin Bremer's Art
Windfall 

With darkness, there is also light. With sadness, there is also joy. And with loss there is also gain. And with all of it there is hope. As I reflect on what I have lost in the last decade, I'm also reminded of what I have gained. I needed each of these heart-wrenching experiences to become who I am right now. Each challenging experience gave me the tools I needed to face the next experience and reminded me that I have survived. 

Through the loss of Jon, I found spirit. I dove further into healing art. I leaned into the lessons the spirit world wanted me to learn and my life's purpose. I came to understand the power of grief and the transformation that happens as a result. Through my intense grief and the lessons I learned as I walked through it, I have been able to assist others through theirs. I have been able to offer a safe space of healing through the simple act of compassion and kindness.  

© 2019 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

Through the loss of my marriage, I found myself. I already knew who I was, but this loss allowed me to own her, my voice, and truly find my place in the world ALONE. I learned things about myself that I didn't know previously, and I learned to listen. I learned to listen to MY voice and the voice of spirit. The loss of my marriage truly stripped me down and allowed me to shed so many of my limiting beliefs and the belief systems that didn't serve me any longer. It also led me to a deeper relationship with spirit and understanding my intuition. Through the loss of my marriage, I also gained art. Oh, art was already there, but I learned I could paint! And wow that was a magnificent find! Through the lessons of loss, I developed an understanding of myself and my intuition which created my artistic voice and allowed it to really bloom and flourish. There was an accelerated growth that happened in this time period that I can't explain. I learned to follow the voice and the voice led me to my first gallery showing which was pretty remarkable. Intense joy. Intense gratitude. Intense transformation. 

"Transformation" © 2016
Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

Through the possible loss of income, I learned to trust my voice and to look at my unique offerings. I began to learn to trust that the magnificent energy of this world had a greater plan for me, but I needed to see what I had to offer. I needed to learn that I was deserving and worthy. I needed to lean in to trust and that my path was my own, not anyone else's. I learned to trust that the unconventional path that I was on was purely my own, and although not for everyone, it was for me. I applied for jobs that allowed me to really look at my skills and all of the unique things I had to offer. The scare of potentially not working for myself and having to work for someone else, allowed me to say NO and really developed my voice. It gave me the confidence I needed to trust my intuition and own what was right for me even when the rest of the world didn't understand. I was never meant to get the jobs I applied for, what I learned about myself from preparing for those interviews was more than what any amount of money could have given me.

Through the loss of my home, I found love. Again, I learned the act of surrender, trust, and acceptance. My kids and I moved into my ex-husband's tiny apartment and I slept on a twin mattress

on the floor of his living room. There were many days when I cried myself to sleep wondering how my life ended up here. There were many days when I felt I couldn't endure anymore. I was in a complete place of surrender. I was also in a place of gratitude. He didn't have to allow me to come and stay there, but he did. While staying there I manifested a house the kids and I had requested of spirit. A home that was so lovely and nurtured each of us back to each other. Through this loss, I gained my marriage. From the broken pieces of my life, I chose to transform and rebuild. From the 4.5 years of work that both of us did individually during our separation, we were able to rebuild ourselves as a couple and ultimately put our family back together. It's been the greatest act of trust, surrender, and love.

Through the loss of my mother, I too, have gained. I'm still navigating the grief of this tremendous

"Acceptance" © 2016
Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

loss and will be for quite some time. At this moment I'm still in disbelief that she is physically gone, and know that I have many lessons to learn as I navigate this loss that are sitting on the horizon awaiting me. For now, I do know that this is what I have learned. I was given the gift of time, the gift of deep love, the gift of unconditional love, and I came to understand the act of surrender and acceptance on a deeper level than any of my previous experiences. I came to understand myself more, and the importance of self-love and setting boundaries. I owned more of the components of my spiritual walk and developed my spiritual practice a little more. Through caring for the woman who gave me life, I learned the deep respect and importance of elder care, and how vital it is in our world. I learned to respect the aging process and the winter season of this stage of life. The weekend my mother was dying I became Reiki II certified and that was a true gift. I was honored to connect with her energy as she was dying... moved beyond words. I was given the opportunity and sacred honor of being with my mommy as she took her last breath. I trusted my spiritual voice on a deeper level and through that trust and honoring of voice, I provided a sacred ceremony for her as she transitioned out of her body into spirit. These are true gifts. Gifts that will always be priceless to me. I have yet to fully understand all of the gifts this loss has given me, but in time I will, and I know they will transform me. For now I can say, I am forever changed by all of it... for the better.

You are beautiful. "Rearranged" © 2016
Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

And now as I leave this decade, I leave all of the hurt, sadness, challenges, struggle, and self-doubt behind. I embrace the joy, love, understanding, and self-confidence that came as a result. Life is filled with duality and there will always be experiences that give us pain, struggle, hurt and sadness, but
each of these experiences also give us joy, love, understanding, hope, and ease. I have learned what I needed to learn and embrace this new decade with love and hope. I embrace the choice to live with ease. I embrace spirit and where it will lead. I embrace a new way of being. I'm so grateful for the friends I have made in this decade and the friends I had to leave behind. I have learned more than I can fathom from each person, experience, and challenge that has been presented. I am so grateful for all of it and look to the future with an open heart filled with love and adventure, and I am filled with eager anticipation at what lies ahead.

Happy New Year, friends. May the year ahead be filled with love, light, and a multitude of blessings for each of you.

Surrendering to the journey of life

"The Bow"
© 2018 Toni Becker,
Artfully Healing/Whimsical Jewels

I awoke today with an overwhelming sadness.  The sadness that time is racing by, and I can't stop it.  The sands of the hour glass are speeding up and visually I see the sands falling through my fingers.  I try to contain it by clasping my hands tightly shut, but it's not working.  So here I sit, knowing I need to honor these feelings despite my mind telling me I have a zillion things to do.  My heart reminds me that I am a sensitive and emotional human with empathy and compassion for myself and others, while my head tells me to numb it and stay active with my life and my "to do list".  My ego screams... "No one has time for this, keep doing and it will go away."  Here's the truth.  It's easier and more comfortable to numb myself with activities and things I need to take care of instead of honoring what I feel because these feelings are intense.  The real work lies in the allowing and the honoring.  So today I'm honoring.

I want to say no to the outside world, pull the covers over my head and lie in bed allowing myself to be what I need to be.... a big sobbing mess.  I'm not one to run from what I'm feeling although there are days I know I don't have time for it, and I push through knowing it will be there tomorrow.  Believe me, it doesn't go away.  I acknowledge this isn't the healthiest approach, but sometimes it's what I need to do, to get things done, knowing I can't handle the tasks I need to care for and the intensity of my emotions.  Today I awoke knowing I needed to take care of my emotional health and honor the space I'm in and sit with the intensity.  So here it goes...  I'm mad that I don't have the means to stay in bed today if I want to.  I'm mad that I can't be with my mom every second of the day.  I'm mad that life has been so challenging and there appears to be no end in sight to these challenges.  I'm mad that time is running out.  I'm mad that I'm losing the beginning of me.  I'm mad that time and future memories are being stolen from me.  I'm mad that people focus on such nonsense.  I'm mad that I am forced to deal with these people and their nonsense.  I'm mad that the world is so divided and people are killing each other.  Then there's the sadness.  I'm sad that I'm watching someone I love so deeply weaken each day.  I'm sad and mad that I can't do anything to make it stop.  I'm sad that my life will go on without a huge part of me.  I'm sad for my children and what they're feeling.  I'm sad that there's a good possibility my mom won't be here to see them graduate, go to college, get married, have the joy of seeing them start a family... the list is long.  I'm sad that I can't do more for her.  I'm sad that there will come a day that I won't be able to feel her hugs, stroke her soft hair, place my hand on her face or see her across the dinner table.  My stomach is sick.  My head is throbbing.  My face is a big salty mess from the continual stream of tears. 

My mom on her birthday 10/11/15

Then there's the duality of all the emotions above.  There's gratitude and joy.  It's a little hard to write about it when my sadness is being felt with such intensity today, but these feelings are still there.  It's these feelings that calm my stomach and make the throbbing in my head feel less intense.  They serve as a beautiful reminder of what I have and what I've been given.  I have the unconditional love of a woman who is such a beautiful example of love and motherhood.  And when the clock stops, I'll still have this, just in a different form.  Despite feeling like time is running out, I'm reminded that I have been given time and the ability to care of the woman who gave me life.  I'm reminded that I have the blessing of having her in my home, and although it's hard to see her in a weakened state, I'm grateful for the ability to care for her, to love her in this state and to serve her in this way.  I'm grateful that time has already been extended and I hope for more time, but as hard as it is to acknowledge this... I accept and honor that it may not happen.


For the last year I have been engaging with anticipatory grief or maybe it's been engaging with me.  The truth is, it really doesn't matter how much you engage with anticipatory grief, it doesn't prepare you for a loss of this magnitude.  The waves of grief I will feel when it's all said and done will be greater than what I am going through right now.  For today though, I feel a little better honoring this space and giving my grief the acknowledgement it needed.

My mom and I, 12/25/16

A big fat stinking mess, yet beautiful. Welcome to life.

A panel of my "Letting Go Lantern"
© 2017 Toni Becker,
 Whimsical Jewels, Artfully Healing

I'm drowning.  Drowning in the messy happenings of life.  The waves are crashing, beating against my being stealing my breath.  My heart beats faster.  My breath escaping me.  Try as I might I just can't catch my breath.  I'm trying to stay afloat... my legs kick faster, even though I can feel this sinking feeling.  I fight.  I breathe.  I kick harder.  But there's a heavy weight pulling me down.  I feel like I'm drowning.  Right now, that's how my grief feels.

For many weeks now I have fought kicking and screaming with so many people I'm exhausted.  I've felt unheard, thinking am I not being clear?  After such in depth conversations and clear examples, I'm left wondering how my words could have fallen so hard on deaf ears.  The result is a suffocation I can't describe.  All the while people on the sidelines are telling me to scream louder, advocate harder, do this do that...  I've done all I can do.  I've done the best I could do.  And yet, I don't feel like it's remotely over or nearly enough.  And I'm wondering how much I have left to give and if I have the strength to keep fighting.  I'm tired.  No, I'm exhausted.  I'm to the point now I can barely put words together to form a coherent sentence.  Sitting here typing this is taking everything I have, but I know at the end I'll feel better so I keep stroking the keys.  Not giving a shit what it sounds like, or if it makes any sense.  The blog is artfully healing... and this is part of my healing and the art form I'm using in this moment to soothe my tired mind, bleeding heart, and exhausted frame. 

A panel of my "Letting Go Lantern"
© 2017 Toni Becker,
 Whimsical Jewels, Artfully Healing

The same waves that are crashing against my frail frame causing me to feel the tremendous burden of grief, are also in the same way healing and transforming me.  It's a big fat stinking mess and yet so beautiful.  It's here in this moment with the weight of everything I know that when it's all said and done, I will be better for it.  It's just so hard to see it when I feel like I'm drowning and trying to keep my head above the water.

I wrote the above passage on 7/16/18, but never published it.  I'm not sure why I left it as a draft, but I did.   And now as I read the above words, I realize it feels complete and incomplete simultaneously.  Now three months later my words are still relevant to my daily life, but the anticipatory grief that I feel is heavier and more of a reality.  At the time of writing the passage my mom was at a rehab center getting ready for discharge.  She had been under hospital type care for a month... a week in the ICU, a week on a regular floor, and then discharged to a rehab facility where she spent two and a half weeks.  I battled with all of them, advocating for her care making sure she was taken care of and receiving the care she deserved.  Ultimately she was discharged before she was ready due to insurance, and my choices were limited so I brought her home with us.  The fighting and advocating didn't stop, but thankfully it hasn't been as intense.  Now with hospice coming into our home, I find myself breathing a little easier regarding her care.  The care she's receiving right now is exactly what she needs and quite frankly what everyone needs to receive throughout their life span, not just at the end of life.

My beautiful Mom on her birthday
10/11/18

Today the grief is heavy.  I know my days with her are numbered, and everything else that goes on in one's daily life seems unnecessary and quite frankly a waste of my time.  I find myself thinking about all the stuff we waste our energy on that serves no purpose and lacks meaning.  I feel my mind drifting, wishing I had the means to be with her around the clock for this last journey.  I'm mad because I can't be.  I'm sad that it's happening.  This morning, I awoke at 3 am with a heaviness in my chest and a wave of sadness that stole my breath.  These last few days as I've watched my mom, in her own way she has told me to back up.  "Toni, you worry too much."  In my mind, I reply I know but I only have one mom and she's dying.  I feel her energy and things start melting away.  It's here that I look at her.  I see her clearly.  I realize some of her behavior is fear, sadness and her own grief.  I'm sure she doesn't want this to be the end either.  She  feels the same as us... She wants to stay as long as she can and we want her to be here for as long as her spirit allows.  Her light is magnificently beautiful and I realize how blessed I have been to have had such an incredible woman as a mother.  My heart is heavy.  The thought of moving forward without her steals my breath and makes my chest feel like an elephant is sitting on me.  This is grief.  This is sadness.  This is a big fat stinking mess, yet oh so beautiful.  Welcome to life.....  and death.  A full circle.

My handmade birthday gifts for my mom
Handmade Journal & Canvas Necklace
© 2018 Toni Becker; Whimsical Jewels & Artfully Healing

Honoring Grief

Today I sit with an overwhelming sadness, and tears streaming down my face.  I have to go to work in a little while and quite frankly I don't want to.  I want to sit here and honor this grief; and the sadness I feel as a result.  There's a tightness in my chest from the grief I feel, a tightness so heavy it steals my breath.  Damn, I'm grieving hard. 

Last night I came home from work and saw something black in my back yard on the edge of the forest.  I wondered what it was when I saw it, and my brain started in overdrive.  Intuitively I knew. I immediately told myself it couldn't be and walked inside my house.  I said the usual hellos to everyone and proceeded to the kitchen to start unloading my groceries.  After saying hello to my love, he went right into telling me I wasn't going to be happy.  Again, intuitively I knew.  "We have a dead crow in our yard."  My heart sunk.  Immediate sadness.

I walked out back and stood there looking at my spirit animal.  I felt a deep sadness and the tears began.  I placed my hands on my heart and told the bird I loved him.  And I was sorry.  I'm not sure what I was sorry for, I guess I was sorry he died.  My chest tightened and the tears flowed.  I came back inside and my love gave me a comforting embrace.  I'm grateful he understood.  A beloved family member had died and I'm so deeply sad.

This morning I find myself standing on the back deck starting at him.  I've cried a lot and have felt a deep sadness and grief.  The same sadness and grief I have felt when someone I love has passed on.  I want to honor Crow and his life, but quite frankly I don't know how.  Part of me, wants to wrap him up and give him a burial.  The other voice inside me says honor him through art.  But how?  So, I will sit with that for a little bit and allow the answers to come. 

Death

At some point or another all of us think about this topic.  Most of us dread the conversation or the thoughts that arise from the thoughts of death.  Thinking about our own mortality is scary and the thoughts that arise from the impending death of a loved one is equally as scary.  As a small child I can remember laying in my bed at night fearing death.  The word scared me, the afterlife scared me and anything encompassing this morbid subject made me tremble in fear.  With my head nestled on my pillow, tucked in my bed by my sweet mother and uttering the prayer "Now I lay me down to sleep..." I remember thinking so many thoughts about death, wondering what would happen and where I would go if it did happen.  I also remember feeling the fear course through my body, praying that I made it until the morning.  I'm pretty sure most people go through this at some time or another.  Having a religious father, my fear of the afterlife was heightened and I feared the worst would happen to me.

These last few months, the topic of death has surfaced more and more.  In our household we are facing the inevitable death that will occur with my sweet mama.  Maybe it's a year from now, maybe a few months, it's a lot of maybes.  Of course, I don't have an exact time frame, but I feel in my belly it's coming.  I have a knowing that it's happening and it doesn't matter how much I try to ignore it, I know it's on the horizon.  It causes a ton of thoughts to rise, and with those thoughts come a flood of emotions.  I know I want to be as ready as I can be, and make sure I give this process the care and attention it deserves.

I sat with a dear soul yesterday and talked about death.  We had this super loving exchange about preparing a human for this transition, but most importantly the soul preparation.  Since that conversation, I have been flooded with emotions.  As I drifted off to sleep last night, I was aware that the last few months I have pushed my thoughts and feelings down in order to keep moving forward and have only scratched the surface of how I have felt.  I've had to get things done for my mom and be her caretaker, advocate, and healthcare proxy on top of being a mother, a wife, business woman and the many other hats I wear each day.  Self preservation was needed during this tumultuous time, but now that I have some help and have had some room to breathe a little; I am tending once again to these thoughts and emotions on a deeper level.  The flood gates have opened.  I am a highly sensitive individual who feels things deeply and with an intensity I have a hard time describing.  There are times that I dam up the gates in order to get things done which is exactly what I have done the last couple of months.

This morning sitting here with a tender heart and a willingness to surrender to my feelings; I dive in to the emotional processing necessary to care for myself.  It's part of my self-love and self-care on a deeper level than what I've engaged with as of late.  When I began writing this morning there were two songs that moved me to tears and they played back to back on my spotify station.  The first one, "So Thankful" by Nahko & Medicine for the people allowed for a wave of thoughtfulness to occur and how grateful I am for this life, the magic that occurs daily, and for the tremendous woman who gave me life.  She has tenderly cared for me, loved me unconditionally and supported me through this journey.  As I listened to the music and the words, my eyes began to well with tears and my heart surrendered.  These words pulled at my heart and provided a loving space to honor her.

"The mother that raised me

is truly a queen.

Taught me how to love God

and follow my dreams.

Said, "oo so grateful, oo so grateful""

The heartfelt message of Nahko's words pull at my heart strings most days, but today it pulled harder and deeper.  This morning, in the quiet of the house, as I listened, the music soothed me and gave rise to love, gratitude and light.  As I listened to his musical story and the hardships endured, hardships far greater than what I can imagine, I found beauty in the gratitude of this lovely song.  We can go through the trenches of hell and still have a sense of gratitude, if we choose to.  The last year has been so challenging... emotionally, physically and mentally, but I am grateful.  I'm grateful for the enrichment these challenges bring, the blessings of life, but most importantly for the love of a woman I call mama and the impact she has had on my life as a woman and mother. 

In the stillness of the room as I surrendered, the song "Directions" was and is my prayer.  Again, Nahko & Medicine for the People moved me to tears.  This lovely song of prayer sang directly to my soul.  In that tender moment as my heart opened, the song sang the words of my soul.  "Grandfather, Grandmother... I am calling on you.  I need your guidance now."  

Dear Spirit of the Divine, Help me in the days ahead to act with grace and love, to be honoring and accepting, help me to surrender to my path as well as hers, and provide the guidance and the people to assist me as everything unfolds.  Thank you for your blessings, your loving gifts, your challenges that cause me to awaken deeper and your divine support and love. 

"With these wings I CAN fly"

©2017 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing, Whimsical Jewels

Allow. Honor. Healing

These last few days I've had a strong pull to write my feelings out, but the raging battle of avoidance and resistance were winning the war.  I have a few different coping methods I use to allow for a space of healing to occur and aide in the restoration of balance.  Deep in my heart, I know there are certain coping methods that are more effective, and yet, I turn to the "easier" methods to avoid the feelings that may come up because I need to keep moving.  It's in the moment of stillness, that I feel this stirring that says, "take care of this" and the flood gates are open and the emotions come to the surface.  As time passes, I am developing an understanding of the agreements I have made with myself that have created my limiting beliefs that give rise to the battle of avoidance and resistance instead of diving in to aide in my release.  With time, I have noticed my battle with avoidance and resistance has lessened and I have become more patient with myself and my healing process.

A small glimpse of a work in progress.
©2018 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing
Whimsical Jewels

For me, writing, painting and healing arts are powerful healers.  As much as I dance with resistance, I am thankful that I place one foot in front of the other and say hello to these healers and engage with them despite the fear I feel at times.  While engage with these powerful tools of healing, it takes a level of courage and bravery to do so, because the emotions that are evoked during the process can be quite overwhelming.  But so worth it!  The level of emotion that comes to the surface while engaging with these great healers astounds me, and allows me to honor my process and listen.  Beyond witnessing my own story of healing, I have been able to witness the healing power these great methods offer to others I have had the honor of coaching.  Silencing the noise in my head and tricking my ego to be quiet in order to create an honoring space to heal, transform, and surrender is what allows me to place one foot in front of the other to cope with my external world.  Honoring myself and the stage I am in, allows for a deeper understanding of myself, and provides a safe space for me to cope and heal.

My brave steps this week.  I'm working on a
few different paintings right now.  Current
work in progress.
© 2018 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing
Whimsical Jewels

A few of my limiting beliefs that give rise to my resistance are....  "I'm not good enough."  "I'm not smart enough."  "My writing will sound stupid."  "No one will read this or care, so what's the point?"  "What happens if my painting sucks?"  "What happens if I don't paint something good?"  All of these thoughts and beliefs give rise to fear and open a space that could potentially hold me back from not moving forward.  It's the moment of truth.  I can choose to listen and not move forward, or I can allow the wave of healing to occur.  The truth is, my writing is my own.  It's my unique voice, and over the years I've worked hard to develop her, listen to her, and surrender to what she wants to say.  Is it going to win a prize?   NO and that's okay.  Is it going to be grammatically correct?  Probably not and that's okay.  Does my writing really say I'm not smart?  Well, I guess it could to some people... and that's okay.  The truth is, I know I am smart and my writing is a healing space for myself that allows me to reflect and cope with life.  And truly, who cares if no one reads it... Of course, I hope someone does.  Not because I need them to, but because I hold the intention of healing for others as much as I do for myself.  I hope that my words resonate with the reader, and in that space of connection allows for love to heal; inspiring you to do your own form of healing beyond the space of fear.  The truth about my art and paintings is this... they too, are my unique voice and my art.  Art is subjective and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  I create art because I need to, and because I want to, even when resistance is high and I've had to wrestle myself to get in the studio and stand in front of my canvas.  Yes, there are times painting can be a painful process for me, but the magic that happens because I show up in front of the canvas, I have trouble placing into words.  The in between stages of each canvas, undoubtedly always brings about more fear because it's usually a jumbled mess, and my ego likes to step in and say "I told you so."  Really, what did you tell me?  That I wasn't good enough? It's in that space that spirit whispers..."yes you are, keep going, you got this."  It's in that moment that my heart says, "I believe in you and I love you."  And let me tell you, because I chose to listen to my heart and spirit, there have been several canvases I have stood in front of, in utter disbelief that they were mine.  And in that beautiful, magical moment, I've felt an indescribable joy.  My limiting beliefs are fairly universal and shared by many people.  It's what we decide to do with those constricting beliefs that matters.  Today I chose to shut them off, told my fear to kiss my ass, and sat down to write.  Yesterday I did the same and lovingly picked up my brushes to paint.  It felt so damn good to open to the space of healing and allow myself to be in the present moment, silencing the noise of fear.


Today, I invite you to move forward.  Engage in that healing space, open up to the possibilities waiting for you.  Tell fear to kiss your ass.  Be brave and move forward.  Allow  your spirit and heart to emerge, and do what your being called to do.  Do you feel the urge to write?  To paint?  To breathe?  To call and connect with someone?  To walk outside?  To take the first steps to be more healthy?  Whatever it is...  take the first step.  The second step gets easier and the reward of moving forward, and connecting with your inner voice is greater than what I can describe to you.  I have felt it myself many times and witnessed it with those I have had the honor of coaching.  I believe in you and I'm holding a loving space of healing for you.

"The Light Within"
©2017 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing
Whimsical Jewels

Late night writings

"Changing" Acrylic painting,
© 2018 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels

Inspiration.  Do you ever notice when yours comes?  Do you pay attention to this quiet voice that gives us big ideas or do you ignore it because the timing is inconvenient?  For me the answers are yes, yes, and yes.  I have found that the voice of inspiration comes when I least expect it... in the shower, walking in the woods, in the middle of the night, when I'm driving down the road, observing other artist's work, looking at the wonders of nature, observing bright, bold colors, listening to music, and sometimes in the middle of a conversation.  Lately my ideas and inspiration have come during the night.  I'll awake from a sound sleep and have all of these ideas in my head.  I then feel this sense of urgency to hurry and write them down.  I have been known to ignore them, because it's the middle of the night and well... I'm sleeping and I'm tired.  I've learned though, that most of the time when you ignore that little voice, the inspiration goes away and doesn't return until the next big idea.  Try as I might, I can never conjure up the inspiration or feelings that were invoked at the time inspiration spoke to me.

Lately my inspiration has been coupled with my emotional content and what I'm processing internally.  Time weighs heavy on my heart and on my mind.  When your staring Father Time in the face wondering when the clock will stop ticking, it definitely raises all kinds of uncertainty and a level of emotions I can't place into words.  That's my current story right now.  It's not an easy story to tell, because right now there is a vulnerability that comes with an authentic raw emotion that cuts to my core, leaving my heart aching and a sickness in my belly.  I have wrestled with myself internally and went back and forth about sharing my feelings.  I feel very vulnerable and emotionally raw.  That's my truth and my story.  The wrestling is over.  I've decided to share it because it's healing for me.  A couple weeks ago, in the middle of the night, inspiration called and I had no choice but to listen.  This time it was about my dear momma.

I've been called to write about her a few times over the years.  She's a very influential part of who I am as a woman and as a mother.  In December, I was awakened from a very powerful dream, with the same sense of urgency to record my thoughts and feelings.  I still carry my dream message with me, because I lovingly talked with my mother the day after the dream.  December was a really stressful month.  At the beginning of the month, my dear mother was hospitalized for several days, on 12/13 we experienced the anniversary of 9 years without my brother Jon, and on 12/15 my husband said goodbye to his brother.  It was a really tough month in our family.  My dream came the night before my brother's anniversary and it was so powerful.  In my dream, my soul openly spoke to my mother with a pure love I've never experienced before.  I have grieved the loss of my brother, HARD, for the first few years after he died and thankfully now when the anniversary of his death arrives, it's an honored space more than a sad, grief space.  I take the time to honor his life and what he meant to me while he was here.  For my mother, it's a lot different.  I don't pretend to know what she goes through as a mother losing her son, and when I think about it, the feelings almost break me.  In the dream, I shared that pain with her, and in that moment I could feel the tremendous pain of her heavy loss and it was unimaginable.  During that moment of love, we sat and openly talked with one another sharing our love for one another.  When I awoke from the dream I was crying.  I felt the need to write it down, and realized I had a few things I needed to say to my dear mom.  Instead of popping out of bed to quickly write it down, I trusted myself to remember what I needed to say to her.  For some reason, I didn't fear losing it, quite possibly because it was so powerful and the emotions I felt were quite deep.

Over the years, I have spoken with individuals who have lost a sibling and I've read books on grief and this particular loss.  In my own research and in the pages I read, a lot of siblings shared they felt neglected by their parents after their sibling died.  When holidays would come, they expressed the same type of experiences...  Instead of celebrating life and a joyous time of togetherness during the holiday/birthday/etc, the parents focused on the death of their child and that they weren't there to celebrate with them.  For a lot of children who have lost a sibling, there can be a sense of survivor's guilt with irrational thoughts and feelings that come as a result of this tremendous loss.  Thankfully, I have NEVER had to experience those feelings.  I absolutely went through survivor's guilt, but it was part of my grieving process, not because my mother, or father for that matter, caused the feelings.  In my dream, I felt my mother's broken heart and her feelings of loss.  Her heart was whole and full of love prior to Jon's death, and after this tremendous loss she felt incomplete, broken, and her heart was missing the other half.

In my dream, the purity and power of her love was clearly communicated to me.  Her soul spoke so lovingly to mine, sharing that Jon and I were the true loves of her life, and with him gone, her heart felt incomplete.  As I share this, I can feel her pain and her love simultaneously.  It immediately brings me to tears and makes my heart ache.  My soul so beautifully expressed my understanding, and how loved I felt by her despite her burden of grief.  In my dream I thanked her for her love and for always making me feel wanted, despite missing the other part of her heart.  This dream was such a gift to my heart, healing in its own way.  The next day, (my brother's anniversary) I called and thanked her for her gift of unconditional love, for allowing me to be the love of her life, and for always loving me just as I am, nothing more or less.  We cried together and expressed our love for one another.  That moment, in dream and in our phone conversation, will be something I will hold in my heart forever.

A couple weeks ago, after being asleep for a little while, I was suddenly wide awake.  During the day, I had some pretty terrible news about my mother's health and I was processing everything before drifting off to sleep.  When I awoke, I was really groggy and quite tired.  Emotionally I was spent.  I really wanted to roll over and go back to sleep, pushing my ideas and thoughts to the side, forgetting that I had been woken by the voice of inspiration.  I can't lie, I contemplated it for a few minutes, and then told her to go away that I was tired, and I really didn't want to deal with the emotional content of her inspiration.  Somewhere deep inside me there was this voice... "If you don't go write it down and write it out, you will regret it."  Then like a flood, these ideas, thoughts, feelings, and MEMORIES had come to me in that moment and quite frankly, I didn't want to forget them.  Begrudgingly I got up.  I went to my studio, and started writing in my journal.  For 2 hours, I wrote.  I remembered things, I hadn't remembered and saw things from a different set of lenses.  A new pair of glasses.  My heart hurt and my body shook from my sobs, but there I sat writing until I couldn't write anymore.  When I finished writing and my tears stopped flowing, I felt so much better.  I saw things differently.  I also had this sense of "Knowing" that wasn't there before.

I have a Rumi journal that has his beautiful quotes on each page.  In the silent hours of the night, I scribbled on the pages of my journal about love, beauty, and childhood.  I wrote about motherhood and the blessings of love that I have received.  Perfectly aligned with my late night writings were these 4 Rumi quotes: "Love is a cloud that scatters pearls."  "God created your wings not to be dormant.  As long as you are alive you must try more and more to use your wings to show you're alive."  "Thankfulness brings you to the place where the Beloved lives."  "You think because you understand "one" you must also understand "two," because one and one make two.  But you must also understand "and."   Each quote, magically aligned for a deeper knowing and sense of gratitude that I had listened to the voice inside me, calling to scribble on my pages.

"Blue", Mixed Media Nature Mandala
© 2017 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels

My momma...  What best describes this woman I call Mother?  Is it grace or beauty?  Is it pure love and loyalty?  Is it strength and fire?  Is it tenderness?  Is it thoughtful and kind?  Is it protective and fierce?  I'd say all of these are perfect descriptions of the woman I have the honor to call mom.  A few months ago, if you had asked me what my greatest loss in life had been, I would have told you, hands down, my brother.  Now staring at the possibility of losing my mother, without really knowing when, and on a much more rapid time table, I can easily say... her.  She will be my greatest loss.  I haven't even felt her loss yet and I can say without a doubt this will be my greatest loss.  She is my beginning.  The roots in my tree.  And what do you do when your tree has been uprooted?

42 years ago, I was a little "seedling" in the tree of life called my mother, or as I like to call her... mommy or momma.  She has lovingly guided me throughout my life and really placed a solid foundation for me as a woman.  Any words I use, will be inadequate for describing my gratitude and love for this dear woman.  She is pure love and embodies it in her core.  My descriptive words of love barely scratch the surface of who she is and my love for her.  From the time, she knew she was pregnant with me, she loved me.  She did what she could to protect me, and cared for me with a love so deep I can feel it in my core.  Throughout childhood into adulthood, she has been a fierce lioness protecting me, her cub.  She has been a strong and fierce, a force to be reckoned with.  God help you, if you did anything to hurt Jon or I.  These days, it is I that protects her.  And quite honestly, my actions pale in comparison to hers.  Her love has always been flawless and gentle, unconditional and forgiving.  She was a good teacher of love, friendship, and how to be a good mother.  Her teachings showed me taught me to stand on my own feet as a woman.  She made sure to give me the tools I would need to be successful in this life.  I could go on and on... but you get my point.

So now here I am, looking at my time with this incredible woman.  Life is short, and her time is being
shortened by cancer.  It makes me feel all the feels.  Some would ask for healing and would beg Father time for more time, but that's not where I am in my journey.  I accept that this is where I am and where she is.  I surrender to this process, knowing I can't control it.  The only thing I can do is love her fiercely and support her decisions as she rides the last wave.  I have appreciated every second I have had with her.  She has loved me with a depth I am inadequate in describing and even father time can't take that from me because love is eternally infinite.

"Acceptance" Acrylic painting
© 2016 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels

Unexpected Turns and the act of surrendering

How do you start each year?  Do you set a list of goals you want to accomplish?  Do you say a few New Year's resolutions and then develop a plan to take action?  After listing goals and resolutions, do you go full speed ahead then find that by the end of January you are exhausted and slowly start to relinquish your goals and resolutions?  This was definitely my story for many years.  I never really gave up completely on my goals and resolutions, but through reflection I could see patterns of behavior and my story as it played out.  I would work really hard at what I set out to accomplish, but then after a few weeks I realize I would start to lose ground on completion and the energy I used to tackle these new goals, would fade.  Then I would start to feel bad.  Really bad.  My inner critic would start yelling words like... "You failed.  Why can't you complete this?  What's wrong with you?"  That voice can be so brutally daunting, unforgiving, and relentless.

Then something magical happened.  A few years ago, my good friend, Brian Burrell, had a Facebook post stating his approach to the new year was letting a word choose him.  He credited his business coach, Christine Kane, for guiding him with this approach and shared a link regarding this remarkable, intuitive approach to the new year.  I followed the link, read her post, and thought, "what do I have to lose?"  So, I gave it a try...  My life and world was forever changed.  This new approach did exactly what her blog post said it would (Click on her name and it will take you to the blog post) it took the "should" out of my goals, called me out, and allowed me to create change within myself while honoring the space I was in at the time.  For the last few years, the words that have chosen me are Trust, Acceptance, and Surrender.  Powerful words that have a way of shaping us and molding us into something else.  At the end of 2017, I felt that Surrender wanted to stay with me and it had more to teach me.  As a result, I chose to listen and follow the path Surrender has for me.

Life has many unexpected turns that have the ability to crack me open and allow break through to happen, if I allow it, through the act of surrendering.  Over the years, I have noticed several opportunities for this level of awakening and transformation.  There have been times when I allowed change and transformation to occur, but usually never at a full surrender.  My ego still wanted me to be in control and as a result I would resist or try to manipulate the situation so I could feel "in control".  Do you know that saying, "what we resist, will persist?"  So, surrender and I are doing this elaborate dance with one another.  She leads and I'm trying my best to surrender control and follow.  In 2017, I saw some changes within myself as a result of my new friend, Surrender, and thankfully I have been able to recognize when she shows up to teach me something new.  

By surrendering, I manifested a beautiful home with a dreamy art studio.  I have allowed love to reenter my life.  I've felt a love I've never experienced before with a partner that is fully committed, and as he puts it, "all in."  I've had some success with commissioned art pieces that have allowed for connections with people, connections that have contributed to my soul's evolution.  By surrendering fear, I have become part of an amazing group of women who are empowering, uplifting, and committed to their success in this life, as well as, the success of other women.  Surrender has allowed me to step into the light and be big, instead of cowering in the corner in an attempt to be small and hidden.  These steps led to conducting my first healing art workshops.  Surrendering has allowed me to say YES more often and listen to the voice inside me that guides the direction of my heart.  All of these lessons have given me a sense of empowerment, love and connections with my community while allowing me to serve myself and others on a deeper level.

As life would have it, there have been some unexpected turns and uncomfortable gifts.  Gifts that continue to shape and mold me, awaken me to a deeper sense of self, and free me from the bondage my ego likes to enslave me with.  My unexpected turns came in a few different forms and have allowed me to awaken to limiting beliefs I have encased my soul's growth with, limiting my abilities to manifest more in my life.  I realized recently, that although I call my challenges uncomfortable gifts and I see them positively as areas of opportunity for growth, I also had a limiting belief surrounding it.  This limiting belief states I need challenges in order to grow, which I realize is not true.  I can continually grow without having earth shattering change and challenges.

Over the last few months, we have dealt with the death of a loved one, my mom's deteriorating health with hospitalization, my mom having cancer again, and having to locate a different house to live in.  Grieving the loss of my yummy art studio.  All of these unexpected turns have hit my family at the same time and are equally difficult in their own way.  Surrender has really opened my eyes, called me out on my story, and allowed me the opportunity to grow.  I'm not sure where she's leading me, but I know I'm going to be okay.  I know that the Divine order of things is watching over me, supporting me in my journey, and will provide whatever I need at the moment of need.  I know I am loved and that this love is unconditional and infinite.  So, I take her hand and follow wherever she leads, surrendering to her process and will.  And it is here through surrendering, that I will blossom into my soul's evolution and what my heart desires.

Image 1: ©2015 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels "Letting Go"
Image 2: ©2016 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels "Transformation 3"
Image 3: ©2017 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels "Bloom"