The time we went crazy from quarantine and learned to listen to our ♥

"Changing" © 2018 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

This quarantine has allowed us to reflect on our lives, the world, the people we love, and rise to Mother Earth's call for controlling climate change and sustainable living. It has asked us to be better, do better. It has called us to be kind to one another and to ourselves. It has reminded us to look at what is important to us and to leave the nonsense behind. It has created the opportunity for a shift within each of us that has encouraged us to feel things most of us avoid. Do you feel the following: Uncomfortable in your own skin? Sadness? Anger? Restless? Elated to have a break from the world? Guilty for not doing more? Feel bad for having certain thoughts? Do you feel downright crazy from all of our feelings and thoughts that have been provoked during this time? Ungrounded from feeling the world's energy of fear and uncertainty?

Sweet little heart I saw in my driveway
this week.

I feel in my heart the shifts taking place currently are quite powerful and have called us to practice mindfulness, slow down, and be in the present moment with ourselves and our loved ones. Most days I try to live my life at a slower pace, mindful of my body, emotions, and the world around me, but I can feel myself shifting more.  I'm opening up further and doing my best to listen to my heart a little more. 

The truth is all of us are human. There are days and weeks when we are on a path that allows us to grow, awaken, and feel the change in positive ways and then there are days when the self-doubt, resistance, and fear of our ego sets in causing us to feel unbalanced, chaotic, and ungrounded. It's part of detoxifying from our old ways and part of being human. This week I'm having one of those weeks that have been more difficult. As the reality sinks in that it's been seven weeks since my kids started quarantine from school, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I'm a little in shock that it's been six weeks since I started limiting my interactions and movements in the community. I keep asking myself if that's possible. Is it true? I'm fairly certain that I'm not the only one that feels like every day runs into the next day. There are days I'm unsure what day of the week it is or the actual date. One day rolls into the next. My mind at times has trouble comprehending that it's really been seven weeks since the quarantine began. Who would have thought that this would have happened? I feel like we're living in a weird-ass sci-fi movie that warned all of us about disease transmission, infections and how they spread, and the end of the world as we knew it.

The first week I was okay. The second week the fear set in about the severity of what we were facing. The third week we shut our doors to anyone coming in that wasn't our family and I started to feel the loss of control. I could feel the collective consciousness and the fearful energy that was being transmitted through each person near and far. My internal feelings started to come unhinged. Agitation. Irritability. Deep sadness. ANGER. Restlessness. Ungrounded. Lack of balance. I knew that the journey was going to be a long haul and I needed to do something to preserve my sanity as well as process the emotions I was feeling. At the end of week three, I felt in my heart I had to do something to make a shift and started to increase my self-care. It's times like this that really shine a light on the areas in our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual bodies that need our attention. Deeper attention. Weeks four, five, and six I felt pretty good. Peaceful. Energized. Balanced. My devotion to a deeper self-care practice had helped me find balance, peace, and harmony with myself and my external world. Now that week seven is here I have to admit, I'm not feeling as balanced as I did in the last few weeks. I can feel the anger and sadness again. And today I reminded myself, it's okay. It's okay to feel this way, it's okay to let the feelings wash over me and give myself permission to be in this uncomfortable space. And just as I was giving myself permission to sit in this uncomfortable space, I reminded myself that through all of the emotions, I have also been loving myself SO deeply. Caring for myself in new ways and with more tenderness which is so important daily, but now more than ever.

Friends this is a time to listen. It's time to tune in to our quiet inner voice and the voice of your heart. Today I had to be reminded that I really needed to listen to the call of my heart and not the thoughts in my head, and the voice of my ego that can be so dismissive and diminishing. I had to focus on the difference between the voice of my head versus the voice of my heart. The voice of our ego and head can be so loud where the voice of our heart is very quiet and requires us to be still. Today the voice of my heart is winning, but yesterday the voice in my head clearly won and I felt terrible ALL DAY. My ego likes to tell me what I should or could be doing, I'm not enough, wasting time, or screams do more. My heart quietly asks, what do you REALLY want to do today? It asks me about joy and love. Today as I was reflecting on the contrast of the weeks I felt unbalanced versus the weeks of deep peace and serenity, it came down to my heart and listening. It came down to my practice of self-care and permission.

I feel in my heart this is also a time of permission. The pandemic has given us this wonderful opportunity to sit and be still. It is giving us this unique time to be free in our days and not fill our calendars with multiple appointments, and things we should do or need to do. It has given us freedom. The freedom to sit and listen, and give ourselves permission to be quiet and take care of ourselves in a way we haven't been doing. Yesterday, I had to really give myself permission. Permission to not look at my to-do list, permission to do NOTHING and feel the uncomfortable feelings, and permission to be in the moment of reflection instead of filling my day with action.

It's so easy to go to the place in our minds that tells us all the things we need to do and then feel guilty or bad for not following through. It's equally as easy to be down ourselves for all the ways we aren't making the most of this time and then have the feelings of shame and guilt follow suit. If this is happening to you, I understand. I have definitely had several of those moments. I have also had moments of balance, bliss, joy, and contentment. Thankfully I've had more blissful days than days of angst. 

I hope in the days ahead you can quiet your mind's voice, listen to the voice of your heart, and follow where the calling leads you. Forget about what you think you should do or could be doing and do exactly what your heart wants you to do. If you are having trouble listening to your heart or coming to a place of calm.

Here are a few of the self-care actions that keep me grounded, quiet my mind, and restore balance.
Remember to be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to be exactly what you need to be in the moment.

My Letting Go Lantern that I use
to release feelings, beliefs, and
anything I feel no longer serves me.

• Letting go rituals
• Deep breathing
• EFT (tapping)
• Journaling
• art of any kind... CREATE! The energy of creation always helps make the shift
• I have been creating art I want instead of art for sale
• Go for a walk in nature (MY FAVORITE!)
• Sitting outside with nature (Have you noticed how loud the birds are singing these days? And the trees are a beautiful lush green!)
• Listen to soothing music
• Positive affirmations
• Crystal healing
• Reading what you want and not what you have to
• Meditative practice- join a zoom sacred circle
• Creative time with friends through zoom
• Walk outside barefoot
• Reiki
• Gratitude!
• Do something physical- exercise, bike ride, pull weeds, exercise routine
• Cook something new (I've been doing a lot of this!)
• LAUGH- the best medicine! look at funny videos, watch a funny movie or sitcom, anything that is going to make you laugh. Laughing eliminates the stress hormones from your body. 
• Anything that makes you feel good.

May all of us accept ourselves in each moment, love ourselves more deeply, and lean into each shift calling us to change and be better than we were the day before. I am sending you love and light as you listen to your heart. May you have the courage to follow your heart's call where it leads you. 

"With These Wings I CAN Fly"
© 2017 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing, Whimsical Jewels

Late night writings

"Changing" Acrylic painting,
© 2018 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels

Inspiration.  Do you ever notice when yours comes?  Do you pay attention to this quiet voice that gives us big ideas or do you ignore it because the timing is inconvenient?  For me the answers are yes, yes, and yes.  I have found that the voice of inspiration comes when I least expect it... in the shower, walking in the woods, in the middle of the night, when I'm driving down the road, observing other artist's work, looking at the wonders of nature, observing bright, bold colors, listening to music, and sometimes in the middle of a conversation.  Lately my ideas and inspiration have come during the night.  I'll awake from a sound sleep and have all of these ideas in my head.  I then feel this sense of urgency to hurry and write them down.  I have been known to ignore them, because it's the middle of the night and well... I'm sleeping and I'm tired.  I've learned though, that most of the time when you ignore that little voice, the inspiration goes away and doesn't return until the next big idea.  Try as I might, I can never conjure up the inspiration or feelings that were invoked at the time inspiration spoke to me.

Lately my inspiration has been coupled with my emotional content and what I'm processing internally.  Time weighs heavy on my heart and on my mind.  When your staring Father Time in the face wondering when the clock will stop ticking, it definitely raises all kinds of uncertainty and a level of emotions I can't place into words.  That's my current story right now.  It's not an easy story to tell, because right now there is a vulnerability that comes with an authentic raw emotion that cuts to my core, leaving my heart aching and a sickness in my belly.  I have wrestled with myself internally and went back and forth about sharing my feelings.  I feel very vulnerable and emotionally raw.  That's my truth and my story.  The wrestling is over.  I've decided to share it because it's healing for me.  A couple weeks ago, in the middle of the night, inspiration called and I had no choice but to listen.  This time it was about my dear momma.

I've been called to write about her a few times over the years.  She's a very influential part of who I am as a woman and as a mother.  In December, I was awakened from a very powerful dream, with the same sense of urgency to record my thoughts and feelings.  I still carry my dream message with me, because I lovingly talked with my mother the day after the dream.  December was a really stressful month.  At the beginning of the month, my dear mother was hospitalized for several days, on 12/13 we experienced the anniversary of 9 years without my brother Jon, and on 12/15 my husband said goodbye to his brother.  It was a really tough month in our family.  My dream came the night before my brother's anniversary and it was so powerful.  In my dream, my soul openly spoke to my mother with a pure love I've never experienced before.  I have grieved the loss of my brother, HARD, for the first few years after he died and thankfully now when the anniversary of his death arrives, it's an honored space more than a sad, grief space.  I take the time to honor his life and what he meant to me while he was here.  For my mother, it's a lot different.  I don't pretend to know what she goes through as a mother losing her son, and when I think about it, the feelings almost break me.  In the dream, I shared that pain with her, and in that moment I could feel the tremendous pain of her heavy loss and it was unimaginable.  During that moment of love, we sat and openly talked with one another sharing our love for one another.  When I awoke from the dream I was crying.  I felt the need to write it down, and realized I had a few things I needed to say to my dear mom.  Instead of popping out of bed to quickly write it down, I trusted myself to remember what I needed to say to her.  For some reason, I didn't fear losing it, quite possibly because it was so powerful and the emotions I felt were quite deep.

Over the years, I have spoken with individuals who have lost a sibling and I've read books on grief and this particular loss.  In my own research and in the pages I read, a lot of siblings shared they felt neglected by their parents after their sibling died.  When holidays would come, they expressed the same type of experiences...  Instead of celebrating life and a joyous time of togetherness during the holiday/birthday/etc, the parents focused on the death of their child and that they weren't there to celebrate with them.  For a lot of children who have lost a sibling, there can be a sense of survivor's guilt with irrational thoughts and feelings that come as a result of this tremendous loss.  Thankfully, I have NEVER had to experience those feelings.  I absolutely went through survivor's guilt, but it was part of my grieving process, not because my mother, or father for that matter, caused the feelings.  In my dream, I felt my mother's broken heart and her feelings of loss.  Her heart was whole and full of love prior to Jon's death, and after this tremendous loss she felt incomplete, broken, and her heart was missing the other half.

In my dream, the purity and power of her love was clearly communicated to me.  Her soul spoke so lovingly to mine, sharing that Jon and I were the true loves of her life, and with him gone, her heart felt incomplete.  As I share this, I can feel her pain and her love simultaneously.  It immediately brings me to tears and makes my heart ache.  My soul so beautifully expressed my understanding, and how loved I felt by her despite her burden of grief.  In my dream I thanked her for her love and for always making me feel wanted, despite missing the other part of her heart.  This dream was such a gift to my heart, healing in its own way.  The next day, (my brother's anniversary) I called and thanked her for her gift of unconditional love, for allowing me to be the love of her life, and for always loving me just as I am, nothing more or less.  We cried together and expressed our love for one another.  That moment, in dream and in our phone conversation, will be something I will hold in my heart forever.

A couple weeks ago, after being asleep for a little while, I was suddenly wide awake.  During the day, I had some pretty terrible news about my mother's health and I was processing everything before drifting off to sleep.  When I awoke, I was really groggy and quite tired.  Emotionally I was spent.  I really wanted to roll over and go back to sleep, pushing my ideas and thoughts to the side, forgetting that I had been woken by the voice of inspiration.  I can't lie, I contemplated it for a few minutes, and then told her to go away that I was tired, and I really didn't want to deal with the emotional content of her inspiration.  Somewhere deep inside me there was this voice... "If you don't go write it down and write it out, you will regret it."  Then like a flood, these ideas, thoughts, feelings, and MEMORIES had come to me in that moment and quite frankly, I didn't want to forget them.  Begrudgingly I got up.  I went to my studio, and started writing in my journal.  For 2 hours, I wrote.  I remembered things, I hadn't remembered and saw things from a different set of lenses.  A new pair of glasses.  My heart hurt and my body shook from my sobs, but there I sat writing until I couldn't write anymore.  When I finished writing and my tears stopped flowing, I felt so much better.  I saw things differently.  I also had this sense of "Knowing" that wasn't there before.

I have a Rumi journal that has his beautiful quotes on each page.  In the silent hours of the night, I scribbled on the pages of my journal about love, beauty, and childhood.  I wrote about motherhood and the blessings of love that I have received.  Perfectly aligned with my late night writings were these 4 Rumi quotes: "Love is a cloud that scatters pearls."  "God created your wings not to be dormant.  As long as you are alive you must try more and more to use your wings to show you're alive."  "Thankfulness brings you to the place where the Beloved lives."  "You think because you understand "one" you must also understand "two," because one and one make two.  But you must also understand "and."   Each quote, magically aligned for a deeper knowing and sense of gratitude that I had listened to the voice inside me, calling to scribble on my pages.

"Blue", Mixed Media Nature Mandala
© 2017 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels

My momma...  What best describes this woman I call Mother?  Is it grace or beauty?  Is it pure love and loyalty?  Is it strength and fire?  Is it tenderness?  Is it thoughtful and kind?  Is it protective and fierce?  I'd say all of these are perfect descriptions of the woman I have the honor to call mom.  A few months ago, if you had asked me what my greatest loss in life had been, I would have told you, hands down, my brother.  Now staring at the possibility of losing my mother, without really knowing when, and on a much more rapid time table, I can easily say... her.  She will be my greatest loss.  I haven't even felt her loss yet and I can say without a doubt this will be my greatest loss.  She is my beginning.  The roots in my tree.  And what do you do when your tree has been uprooted?

42 years ago, I was a little "seedling" in the tree of life called my mother, or as I like to call her... mommy or momma.  She has lovingly guided me throughout my life and really placed a solid foundation for me as a woman.  Any words I use, will be inadequate for describing my gratitude and love for this dear woman.  She is pure love and embodies it in her core.  My descriptive words of love barely scratch the surface of who she is and my love for her.  From the time, she knew she was pregnant with me, she loved me.  She did what she could to protect me, and cared for me with a love so deep I can feel it in my core.  Throughout childhood into adulthood, she has been a fierce lioness protecting me, her cub.  She has been a strong and fierce, a force to be reckoned with.  God help you, if you did anything to hurt Jon or I.  These days, it is I that protects her.  And quite honestly, my actions pale in comparison to hers.  Her love has always been flawless and gentle, unconditional and forgiving.  She was a good teacher of love, friendship, and how to be a good mother.  Her teachings showed me taught me to stand on my own feet as a woman.  She made sure to give me the tools I would need to be successful in this life.  I could go on and on... but you get my point.

So now here I am, looking at my time with this incredible woman.  Life is short, and her time is being
shortened by cancer.  It makes me feel all the feels.  Some would ask for healing and would beg Father time for more time, but that's not where I am in my journey.  I accept that this is where I am and where she is.  I surrender to this process, knowing I can't control it.  The only thing I can do is love her fiercely and support her decisions as she rides the last wave.  I have appreciated every second I have had with her.  She has loved me with a depth I am inadequate in describing and even father time can't take that from me because love is eternally infinite.

"Acceptance" Acrylic painting
© 2016 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels

Unexpected Turns and the act of surrendering

How do you start each year?  Do you set a list of goals you want to accomplish?  Do you say a few New Year's resolutions and then develop a plan to take action?  After listing goals and resolutions, do you go full speed ahead then find that by the end of January you are exhausted and slowly start to relinquish your goals and resolutions?  This was definitely my story for many years.  I never really gave up completely on my goals and resolutions, but through reflection I could see patterns of behavior and my story as it played out.  I would work really hard at what I set out to accomplish, but then after a few weeks I realize I would start to lose ground on completion and the energy I used to tackle these new goals, would fade.  Then I would start to feel bad.  Really bad.  My inner critic would start yelling words like... "You failed.  Why can't you complete this?  What's wrong with you?"  That voice can be so brutally daunting, unforgiving, and relentless.

Then something magical happened.  A few years ago, my good friend, Brian Burrell, had a Facebook post stating his approach to the new year was letting a word choose him.  He credited his business coach, Christine Kane, for guiding him with this approach and shared a link regarding this remarkable, intuitive approach to the new year.  I followed the link, read her post, and thought, "what do I have to lose?"  So, I gave it a try...  My life and world was forever changed.  This new approach did exactly what her blog post said it would (Click on her name and it will take you to the blog post) it took the "should" out of my goals, called me out, and allowed me to create change within myself while honoring the space I was in at the time.  For the last few years, the words that have chosen me are Trust, Acceptance, and Surrender.  Powerful words that have a way of shaping us and molding us into something else.  At the end of 2017, I felt that Surrender wanted to stay with me and it had more to teach me.  As a result, I chose to listen and follow the path Surrender has for me.

Life has many unexpected turns that have the ability to crack me open and allow break through to happen, if I allow it, through the act of surrendering.  Over the years, I have noticed several opportunities for this level of awakening and transformation.  There have been times when I allowed change and transformation to occur, but usually never at a full surrender.  My ego still wanted me to be in control and as a result I would resist or try to manipulate the situation so I could feel "in control".  Do you know that saying, "what we resist, will persist?"  So, surrender and I are doing this elaborate dance with one another.  She leads and I'm trying my best to surrender control and follow.  In 2017, I saw some changes within myself as a result of my new friend, Surrender, and thankfully I have been able to recognize when she shows up to teach me something new.  

By surrendering, I manifested a beautiful home with a dreamy art studio.  I have allowed love to reenter my life.  I've felt a love I've never experienced before with a partner that is fully committed, and as he puts it, "all in."  I've had some success with commissioned art pieces that have allowed for connections with people, connections that have contributed to my soul's evolution.  By surrendering fear, I have become part of an amazing group of women who are empowering, uplifting, and committed to their success in this life, as well as, the success of other women.  Surrender has allowed me to step into the light and be big, instead of cowering in the corner in an attempt to be small and hidden.  These steps led to conducting my first healing art workshops.  Surrendering has allowed me to say YES more often and listen to the voice inside me that guides the direction of my heart.  All of these lessons have given me a sense of empowerment, love and connections with my community while allowing me to serve myself and others on a deeper level.

As life would have it, there have been some unexpected turns and uncomfortable gifts.  Gifts that continue to shape and mold me, awaken me to a deeper sense of self, and free me from the bondage my ego likes to enslave me with.  My unexpected turns came in a few different forms and have allowed me to awaken to limiting beliefs I have encased my soul's growth with, limiting my abilities to manifest more in my life.  I realized recently, that although I call my challenges uncomfortable gifts and I see them positively as areas of opportunity for growth, I also had a limiting belief surrounding it.  This limiting belief states I need challenges in order to grow, which I realize is not true.  I can continually grow without having earth shattering change and challenges.

Over the last few months, we have dealt with the death of a loved one, my mom's deteriorating health with hospitalization, my mom having cancer again, and having to locate a different house to live in.  Grieving the loss of my yummy art studio.  All of these unexpected turns have hit my family at the same time and are equally difficult in their own way.  Surrender has really opened my eyes, called me out on my story, and allowed me the opportunity to grow.  I'm not sure where she's leading me, but I know I'm going to be okay.  I know that the Divine order of things is watching over me, supporting me in my journey, and will provide whatever I need at the moment of need.  I know I am loved and that this love is unconditional and infinite.  So, I take her hand and follow wherever she leads, surrendering to her process and will.  And it is here through surrendering, that I will blossom into my soul's evolution and what my heart desires.

Image 1: ©2015 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels "Letting Go"
Image 2: ©2016 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels "Transformation 3"
Image 3: ©2017 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels "Bloom"

5

If you’ve spent a decent amount of time with me, and we’ve had in depth conversations, then you know that numerology is pretty important to me.  Within those conversations, I have most likely told you that I try my best to pay attention to the signs of the universe, and I feel quite strongly numbers are one of those signs. 

I’m reflective most days, but the last few days, I have been quite reflective.  My life has had some twists and turns, ups and downs, days that were filled with light and days upon days of darkness.  Sometimes so dark, I wondered if I would ever see the light.  Some of these days were a result of situational depression, and some of those days were a result of overthinking various things going on in my life and the world around me, the demon of self-doubt, and the fear of failure and success.  Isn’t it interesting that I fear both failure and success?  That’s a whole other conversation for another day. 

Five.  Such a small number.  A small number with a colossal meaning and symbolism.  A few days ago, the gadgets in my brain really started turning.  This week marks a few important anniversaries.  Anniversaries that demand a moment and a pause in time and reflection.  So, why the number 5?  What does 5 mean?  And how does it relate to my period of reflection and the anniversaries I’m reflecting on?

Five years ago, I was having the worst summer possible.  My husband professed how unhappy he was in our life together.  I literally waited on the sideline to find out if everything I had helped to build was going to crumble and be left in ruins.   I waited and prayed.  I created art to soothe my bleeding heart.  I cried myself to sleep, begging the Universe to help me through this impossible pain, again.   The thought of my marriage dissolving after putting so much work and effort into it, seemed unbearable. The timing incredibly painful.  Then it happened.  It was over.  I was left standing like I had been hit by a bus and utterly devastated.  I couldn’t believe that my life, the life I had helped create and build, was shattered. 

In my research today, I realized how important the number five is to this particular period of my life.  So, what does five mean?  The meanings that resonated with me are the following: “Personal freedom, individualism, non-attachment, CHANGE, LIFE LESSONS THROUGH EXPERIENCE, release and surrender, health and healing, expansion, opportunity, story-telling, making positive life choices and decisions, conflict, able to learn and teach from direct experience.” It goes on to say that “the number 5 relates to making positive life choices and decisions and learning life lessons through experience.” (Joanne Walmsley-Sacred Scribes, link is listed below)  This pretty much sums up the last five years of my life.

On August 9^th, five years ago, my husband said he wanted a separation.  Today, August 10^th, marks 5 years that he signed his lease on his apartment and started out on his journey alone.  At the time, I was devastated.  How could my life have led me here?  How in the world did this happen?  He was asking for personal freedom and I was clinging to attachment.  He wanted change and I wanted to repair this vessel that was so broken.  What I came to realize over the last five years, was I created the separation too.  My soul needed it, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask for it outside of my being.  He was.  I was rooted in my own core beliefs of what marriage was, I was too blind to see it at the time.  I was blinded by my pain, fear, attachment, control, fear of change and expansion.  So blinded, that I couldn’t see that this event in my life would lead me to learn, gain experience, make positive life choices and decisions, and eventually here, telling my story.

For quite some time the pain was unbearable.  The same thoughts churned over and over in my mind, which at times made me feel crazy.  I felt so lost and insecure.  Unsafe.  Uprooted and shattered.  I couldn’t imagine that the 18 years that I had invested in, and something I had worked so hard at, came to a screeching halt.  I was mad at myself for continuing to love him.  I was sad and alone.  There were times when the pity party in my head went on for so long, I thought I would break.  It was so tiresome, even Pity wanted to leave the party, but due to my attachment to her, I clung to her for dear life.  I couldn’t lose her too.  Victim-hood can suck the life out of anyone, and leave you naked and afraid.  I needed to feel empowered and strong, two feelings that were so far out of my reach, and so far from my view. 

I ran.  I biked.  I wrote.  I cried. I cried. And I cried some more.  I sat alone.  I took classes to heal myself.  I did yoga.  I listened to music.  After a while, I drank.  Not every day, but after a couple of years of the pain, I definitely drank to numb the intensity of my feelings and to forget… I needed to forget, for a few moments, that my life had been turned upside down.  In my moments that I was heart centered and witnessed soulful insight, there was this incredible clarity, and in those moments I realized the healing path I was on, and why my soul called for the separation just as much as he did.  I couldn’t blame him anymore, because I had asked for this too.  My soul needed to grow and expand, and this painful experience needed to happen, in order for the growth to occur within myself.  Then I started painting.  All of the intense emotions and thoughts that swirled in my brain, came pouring out of me onto the canvas.  Standing in front of the canvas, moving my brush, scared the shit out of me, but it was where I felt free.  Free of the noise.  Free of the emotional turmoil I wrestled with each day, because so much had changed in my life.  Through my pain and acts of self-love, I found painting.  Or maybe she found me?    It was through the act of painting, I started to see the girl in front of the mirror and I didn’t mind looking at her.  It was through painting, that I found healing and grace, incredible strength and bravery.  And EMPOWERMENT.

In the last five years, I have been on a journey of transformation.  A path that stripped me naked and shattered my world.  It was through healing my grief that I realized that I needed the challenging lessons to gain experience.  I needed the pain and hurt to understand the power of healing.

These last two days, while reflecting on the anniversary of the dissolve of my marriage and the start of my husband’s new journey without me, I feel incredibly blessed.  I learned a tremendous amount about myself, my community, healing, and what it means to let go and surrender.  Some of these lessons, I continue to learn and deepen my understanding of, but then again, aren’t we all?  These last five years, I have had an abundant growth within myself and in my external world.  I have fell down and got back up.  I’ve carried on, surrendered to the process, released, and healed.  The last five years have been truly represented by the numerology of five and its meaning.    

Tomorrow marks another anniversary.  August 11^th marks 23 years that we had our first kiss on the front steps of the Unadilla library.  It was here that our journey began.  Tomorrow also marks 17 years that we exchanged our own vows in front of our beloved family and friends.  I’ve reflected a lot this last week of anniversaries, on where my life was, where it is now, and where my life is headed.  This week marks five years that my life took a different turn and my lessons began, but it also marks a time when an immense love presented itself.  The last five years have been difficult, challenging, and a tremendous blessing. I’ve had many uncomfortable gifts and I know I’ll be presented with many more in my life.  Uncomfortable gifts allow us the space to expand and the room to grow.  I’ve grown and so has Shayne.  We are completely different people than we were five years ago when we ended our marriage, and started down a path by ourselves.  Now five years later, here we are.  Reunited and stronger than ever.  More in love than we ever were before.  We share a true partnership that didn’t exist before the separation.  We needed the separation in order to be in this loving space, and it is here, that I triumphantly celebrate the uncomfortable lessons I learned over the last five years.  It is here, I celebrate the love we have for one another and the life we are creating once again.  So tomorrow’s anniversary takes on a very different meaning for me.  A life enriched with love, partnership, and a life shared with my best friend.  I am truly blessed.   

Title:  "Transformation"

Medium:  Acrylic Paint

2016

In numerology, the number five carries several meanings, and I’ve chosen the meanings that resonated with me, and this particular time period of my life and reflection.  If you want to read more about the number five, please check out this link for the information:  http://numerology-thenumbersandtheirmeanings.blogspot.com/2011/03/number-5-ruler-mars-said-to-be.html?m=1

Nature is my church

Photo taken at Reynolda Gardens Spring 2015

Photo taken by my beautiful sister, Aoife Rose

Oregon, Fall 2014

Spring and fall are my favorite seasons.  Death and rebirth.  Both are so striking in beauty, that when these seasons are in full swing, I can't get enough of either.  When I'm in nature my soul is at peace.  It's here that I listen and quiet my mind.  I feel closest to the spirit of this great universe when I'm in nature, so yes it is my church.  Some go to church to worship the God they believe in...  I step outside into the bounty of the natural world and fill my spiritual cup, clear away the cobwebs in my mind, and breathe.  Restoring balance and finding the calm.

This morning as I ran in one of my favorite parks, I did just that.  My heart was filled with gratitude at the people, situations, challenges, and uncomfortable gifts I have experienced this past year.  Each one, great and small, taking me somewhere new.  I couldn't help but think of the many blessings that I have been given and how much love was in my heart, and how important it is to give thanks for everything.

I started giving thanks this morning in my church.  As I ran past the city worker clearing the fallen debris I made sure to say thank you....  I gave thanks to him for stopping the leaf blower as I ran past and then in the midst of running, yelled...  "Thanks for your hard work."  I wondered how many people say thank you to them for the work they do to keep our parks clean and looking nice.  I certainly don't say thank you enough.  So, I think it's time to share what I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for...

*My beautiful children.  God, I love these two magnificent human beings.  Watching them grow into the people they are becoming is such a joy.  They are unique in their own ways and I love them for the wonderful character they bring to my life and our family.  It's an honor to be their mother and guide them in this world.  Definitely a responsibility I do not take lightly.

*My parents.  I feel blessed to still have them here on this earthly plane.  They have given me so much in my life and I will forever be grateful for the love, teachings, and guidance they have given me.

*Jon.  God, I'm so thankful for him.  Thankful that I was able to love this human being, in this life, for 31 years.  While living, he was my greatest teacher and now in death he continues to teach me from beyond.  I loved my brother beyond what I could ever describe here.  If you've followed my blog, this one or my other blog, http://whimsicaljewels.blogspot.com/, you already know how I feel about him and the loss I feel living without him on this earthly plane.

*My siblings, Aoife and Chuck.  As the years go by, I have become closer to both of them.  I'm so very grateful for the relationships we have developed.  It is here that I find my roots and strength when I need it the most.

*My ex-husband.  Weird right?  No, not really...  He gave me the greatest gift I could ever have, my two children.  It was during our time of deep love we created something so beautiful. He's a wonderful father and although our journey together ended, I'm thankful we are able to co-parent our children in a healthy, loving environment.  This is something I am extremely grateful for and could never give enough thanks for.  I've heard horror stories from friends and strangers of the nightmares they have to go through with their exes.  Every time I hear the stories, I say a prayer of thanks for the relationship we continue to have despite our marriage not working out.

*My ex-husband's family.  I love them so much and through this beautiful family I still have an extended family that I love dearly.  I love mom and dad Becker as much as my own parents and no words could state how grateful I am for their tremendous presence in my life.

*My sweet sister-in-law, Samantha.  She is more beautiful than she realizes and I give thanks for another lovely sister.  I wish we were able to spend more time together, however, the time I do get with her is a sweet slice of heaven.  I'm filled with gratitude and love that she is a part of my life.

*My aunts, uncles, and cousins.  I have learned a lot from them and feel blessed to have such wonderful memories of each of them.

*My chosen family....  All my Friends!  God, I love each and everyone of them for how different they are, the friendship they give and the gift of knowing them.  

*My soul sister, Karin.  This small blurb could never express the gratitude I have for her.  She is an amazing goddess and I love her so much.  I've never met anyone quite like her and honestly I don't know where I'd be without her.  She's carried me when I couldn't carry myself.  She's reminded me of my light, when all I saw was darkness.  The love and friendship she has given me over the years I will be eternally grateful for....  a true, authentic connection I cherish.  

*My childhood friends that I continue to have a connection with.  We can go for years without talking and pick up right where we left off.  I love these connections!

*The ability to run, bike, walk in a multitude of choices in Winston-Salem.  Even though I long to live somewhere else, I really am thankful to be here at this moment in time.  Winston is a beautiful city and I have so many beautiful parks to choose from to enter my church for balance and restoration.

*The ability to create art.  I love creating works inspired by nature.  It fills my soul with so much joy and one of my deepest passions.

*The ability to do work that I LOVE and feel passionate about.  Everyday I go to work, I'm so grateful that I don't have a conventional job and I get paid to help others live an independent life that they choose.  

*The ability to be involved in my kids lives at school, at after school activities and picking them up each day.  It seems so simple, but I think of the many moms out there that want to do this, but due to circumstances are unable to.  I am tremendously grateful for this daily gift.  I love hearing about their day, what they are learning, and seeing them participate in sports and other activities.  It gives my heart an abundance of joy.

*My 6 senses...  sight, smell, hearing, taste, touch and my intuition.  I'm so incredibly grateful for each of these.

*MuSic!  The birds melodic song and all the phenomenal musicians out there.

*Me!  I'm so thankful for the woman I am and the woman I am becoming.  As I look in the mirror each day, I'm filled with love and gratitude for the beautiful life I have.  My body certainly doesn't look like barbie and I don't want it to.  Each curve reminding me of my femininity and how beautiful I am.  Each stretch mark reminding me of the beautiful children that I was able to carry and bring into this world.  Each wrinkle on my face reminding me how much joy I have had and the laughter I have engaged in.  Each grey hair reminding me of all that I have learned and the wisdom that is within me.  

Life is a gift.

I am thankful.

Reflection

When I read that quote I can hear the bells and whistles going off.  For me, there is so much truth in the quote above, its resonance is loud and clear.  At times I have fought, kicking and screaming, resisting the change that would come.  Other times I grabbed the bull by the horns, embraced what was to come, while holding on for dear life.   Then there were times, that although there was a fight, it was mild in comparison and I was grateful it was over.  Each fight I have fought, I have given it my all, and at the end my arms were in the air with victory.  Some of the victories didn't feel very good, but I made it to the end, and that alone is a victory worth celebrating.

I've had a few life changes that have struck the core of my being.  They've rattled me.  Made me feel so weak, despite those around me saying I was strong.  The reality is sometimes we don't feel very strong.  These life changes stripped me naked, left me feeling broken, alone, and afraid.  When I look over my life, and these life circumstances that shook me free, I can honestly say I am grateful.  I am grateful for the uncomfortable truths they revealed.  I am grateful for the chance to rise and expand to be a better version of myself.  I am grateful for the gifts each situation gave me.

A little over three years ago, my life changed.  I never saw it coming and in fact thought the day would never arrive.  But it did.  I felt broken.  Alone.  Afraid.  Naked.  I felt like a fraud and everything I believed in was false.  I believed in something and gave it everything I had and then....  it changed.  It fell apart.  How could something you put so much energy into, come unraveled, and fall apart so easily?

It has been 1,150 days since this major life changing event and as a result I have had a lot of time to reflect.  Reflect on who I am, who I want to become, and where I am headed.  In my opinion, self reflection can be REALLY uncomfortable.  Sometimes the person standing there looking at you, isn't very pretty.  At times I have stood, with my knees knocking together, looking at this woman staring at me in the mirror ,wondering how I got here and if I was strong enough to continue.  In all honesty, I realized I wasn't broken, only bruised, and I was grateful for that.  Bruises heal.  When I was reminded of the small blessing that bruises heal, I saw hope looking at me in the mirror and she was beautiful.

In my 1,150 days of evolution and reflection, I have made some choices that I wasn't proud of.  When I reflect on each choice I have made over these 1,150 days, I am reminded that each choice I have been given the opportunity to grow, expand, and evolve.  Some of the choices I have made, filled me with all of the uncomfortable emotions most of us try to avoid.  you know...  shame, guilt, regret, blame, hate, anger, self pity...  should I go on?  Recently, I made some choices that wanted to fill me with a few of these bad boys, but then I realized even that was a choice.  I could choose to feel those emotions or I could choose to reflect on my choices and see what I was to learn from them instead.  Choose the light or choose the darkness.  Thankfully I chose the light.

So as I reflect on a few of my recent choices, I am reminded that each person that comes into our lives, has an opportunity to teach us something, if we are open to it.  Each situation presented, gives us another opportunity to look at ourselves, our behavior, our patterns, and evolve into something else and break old patterns to become more than we once were.  We are being called to be something better and to give the world something more than we already have.

Reflection may not always be comfortable but it is necessary to learn, grow, and change.  Sometimes sharing the reflection with people in your life is just as uncomfortable, if not more, than the reflection itself.  Opening up and sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone else takes a lot of courage and bravery.  It's standing firmly exposing our naked selves.  I don't know about you, but when this happens I want to RUN...  but I try not to.  Speaking my truth and continuing to expose my naked self (not literally...  If I have to do that I really will run), is one of the patterns I am breaking.

I have had 14,834 days to become the woman I am today, reflect on all of my choices, and who I am as a result.  And I love her.