Surrendering to the journey of life

"The Bow"
© 2018 Toni Becker,
Artfully Healing/Whimsical Jewels

I awoke today with an overwhelming sadness.  The sadness that time is racing by, and I can't stop it.  The sands of the hour glass are speeding up and visually I see the sands falling through my fingers.  I try to contain it by clasping my hands tightly shut, but it's not working.  So here I sit, knowing I need to honor these feelings despite my mind telling me I have a zillion things to do.  My heart reminds me that I am a sensitive and emotional human with empathy and compassion for myself and others, while my head tells me to numb it and stay active with my life and my "to do list".  My ego screams... "No one has time for this, keep doing and it will go away."  Here's the truth.  It's easier and more comfortable to numb myself with activities and things I need to take care of instead of honoring what I feel because these feelings are intense.  The real work lies in the allowing and the honoring.  So today I'm honoring.

I want to say no to the outside world, pull the covers over my head and lie in bed allowing myself to be what I need to be.... a big sobbing mess.  I'm not one to run from what I'm feeling although there are days I know I don't have time for it, and I push through knowing it will be there tomorrow.  Believe me, it doesn't go away.  I acknowledge this isn't the healthiest approach, but sometimes it's what I need to do, to get things done, knowing I can't handle the tasks I need to care for and the intensity of my emotions.  Today I awoke knowing I needed to take care of my emotional health and honor the space I'm in and sit with the intensity.  So here it goes...  I'm mad that I don't have the means to stay in bed today if I want to.  I'm mad that I can't be with my mom every second of the day.  I'm mad that life has been so challenging and there appears to be no end in sight to these challenges.  I'm mad that time is running out.  I'm mad that I'm losing the beginning of me.  I'm mad that time and future memories are being stolen from me.  I'm mad that people focus on such nonsense.  I'm mad that I am forced to deal with these people and their nonsense.  I'm mad that the world is so divided and people are killing each other.  Then there's the sadness.  I'm sad that I'm watching someone I love so deeply weaken each day.  I'm sad and mad that I can't do anything to make it stop.  I'm sad that my life will go on without a huge part of me.  I'm sad for my children and what they're feeling.  I'm sad that there's a good possibility my mom won't be here to see them graduate, go to college, get married, have the joy of seeing them start a family... the list is long.  I'm sad that I can't do more for her.  I'm sad that there will come a day that I won't be able to feel her hugs, stroke her soft hair, place my hand on her face or see her across the dinner table.  My stomach is sick.  My head is throbbing.  My face is a big salty mess from the continual stream of tears. 

My mom on her birthday 10/11/15

Then there's the duality of all the emotions above.  There's gratitude and joy.  It's a little hard to write about it when my sadness is being felt with such intensity today, but these feelings are still there.  It's these feelings that calm my stomach and make the throbbing in my head feel less intense.  They serve as a beautiful reminder of what I have and what I've been given.  I have the unconditional love of a woman who is such a beautiful example of love and motherhood.  And when the clock stops, I'll still have this, just in a different form.  Despite feeling like time is running out, I'm reminded that I have been given time and the ability to care of the woman who gave me life.  I'm reminded that I have the blessing of having her in my home, and although it's hard to see her in a weakened state, I'm grateful for the ability to care for her, to love her in this state and to serve her in this way.  I'm grateful that time has already been extended and I hope for more time, but as hard as it is to acknowledge this... I accept and honor that it may not happen.


For the last year I have been engaging with anticipatory grief or maybe it's been engaging with me.  The truth is, it really doesn't matter how much you engage with anticipatory grief, it doesn't prepare you for a loss of this magnitude.  The waves of grief I will feel when it's all said and done will be greater than what I am going through right now.  For today though, I feel a little better honoring this space and giving my grief the acknowledgement it needed.

My mom and I, 12/25/16

Honoring Grief

Today I sit with an overwhelming sadness, and tears streaming down my face.  I have to go to work in a little while and quite frankly I don't want to.  I want to sit here and honor this grief; and the sadness I feel as a result.  There's a tightness in my chest from the grief I feel, a tightness so heavy it steals my breath.  Damn, I'm grieving hard. 

Last night I came home from work and saw something black in my back yard on the edge of the forest.  I wondered what it was when I saw it, and my brain started in overdrive.  Intuitively I knew. I immediately told myself it couldn't be and walked inside my house.  I said the usual hellos to everyone and proceeded to the kitchen to start unloading my groceries.  After saying hello to my love, he went right into telling me I wasn't going to be happy.  Again, intuitively I knew.  "We have a dead crow in our yard."  My heart sunk.  Immediate sadness.

I walked out back and stood there looking at my spirit animal.  I felt a deep sadness and the tears began.  I placed my hands on my heart and told the bird I loved him.  And I was sorry.  I'm not sure what I was sorry for, I guess I was sorry he died.  My chest tightened and the tears flowed.  I came back inside and my love gave me a comforting embrace.  I'm grateful he understood.  A beloved family member had died and I'm so deeply sad.

This morning I find myself standing on the back deck starting at him.  I've cried a lot and have felt a deep sadness and grief.  The same sadness and grief I have felt when someone I love has passed on.  I want to honor Crow and his life, but quite frankly I don't know how.  Part of me, wants to wrap him up and give him a burial.  The other voice inside me says honor him through art.  But how?  So, I will sit with that for a little bit and allow the answers to come. 

Death

At some point or another all of us think about this topic.  Most of us dread the conversation or the thoughts that arise from the thoughts of death.  Thinking about our own mortality is scary and the thoughts that arise from the impending death of a loved one is equally as scary.  As a small child I can remember laying in my bed at night fearing death.  The word scared me, the afterlife scared me and anything encompassing this morbid subject made me tremble in fear.  With my head nestled on my pillow, tucked in my bed by my sweet mother and uttering the prayer "Now I lay me down to sleep..." I remember thinking so many thoughts about death, wondering what would happen and where I would go if it did happen.  I also remember feeling the fear course through my body, praying that I made it until the morning.  I'm pretty sure most people go through this at some time or another.  Having a religious father, my fear of the afterlife was heightened and I feared the worst would happen to me.

These last few months, the topic of death has surfaced more and more.  In our household we are facing the inevitable death that will occur with my sweet mama.  Maybe it's a year from now, maybe a few months, it's a lot of maybes.  Of course, I don't have an exact time frame, but I feel in my belly it's coming.  I have a knowing that it's happening and it doesn't matter how much I try to ignore it, I know it's on the horizon.  It causes a ton of thoughts to rise, and with those thoughts come a flood of emotions.  I know I want to be as ready as I can be, and make sure I give this process the care and attention it deserves.

I sat with a dear soul yesterday and talked about death.  We had this super loving exchange about preparing a human for this transition, but most importantly the soul preparation.  Since that conversation, I have been flooded with emotions.  As I drifted off to sleep last night, I was aware that the last few months I have pushed my thoughts and feelings down in order to keep moving forward and have only scratched the surface of how I have felt.  I've had to get things done for my mom and be her caretaker, advocate, and healthcare proxy on top of being a mother, a wife, business woman and the many other hats I wear each day.  Self preservation was needed during this tumultuous time, but now that I have some help and have had some room to breathe a little; I am tending once again to these thoughts and emotions on a deeper level.  The flood gates have opened.  I am a highly sensitive individual who feels things deeply and with an intensity I have a hard time describing.  There are times that I dam up the gates in order to get things done which is exactly what I have done the last couple of months.

This morning sitting here with a tender heart and a willingness to surrender to my feelings; I dive in to the emotional processing necessary to care for myself.  It's part of my self-love and self-care on a deeper level than what I've engaged with as of late.  When I began writing this morning there were two songs that moved me to tears and they played back to back on my spotify station.  The first one, "So Thankful" by Nahko & Medicine for the people allowed for a wave of thoughtfulness to occur and how grateful I am for this life, the magic that occurs daily, and for the tremendous woman who gave me life.  She has tenderly cared for me, loved me unconditionally and supported me through this journey.  As I listened to the music and the words, my eyes began to well with tears and my heart surrendered.  These words pulled at my heart and provided a loving space to honor her.

"The mother that raised me

is truly a queen.

Taught me how to love God

and follow my dreams.

Said, "oo so grateful, oo so grateful""

The heartfelt message of Nahko's words pull at my heart strings most days, but today it pulled harder and deeper.  This morning, in the quiet of the house, as I listened, the music soothed me and gave rise to love, gratitude and light.  As I listened to his musical story and the hardships endured, hardships far greater than what I can imagine, I found beauty in the gratitude of this lovely song.  We can go through the trenches of hell and still have a sense of gratitude, if we choose to.  The last year has been so challenging... emotionally, physically and mentally, but I am grateful.  I'm grateful for the enrichment these challenges bring, the blessings of life, but most importantly for the love of a woman I call mama and the impact she has had on my life as a woman and mother. 

In the stillness of the room as I surrendered, the song "Directions" was and is my prayer.  Again, Nahko & Medicine for the People moved me to tears.  This lovely song of prayer sang directly to my soul.  In that tender moment as my heart opened, the song sang the words of my soul.  "Grandfather, Grandmother... I am calling on you.  I need your guidance now."  

Dear Spirit of the Divine, Help me in the days ahead to act with grace and love, to be honoring and accepting, help me to surrender to my path as well as hers, and provide the guidance and the people to assist me as everything unfolds.  Thank you for your blessings, your loving gifts, your challenges that cause me to awaken deeper and your divine support and love. 

"With these wings I CAN fly"

©2017 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing, Whimsical Jewels

Unexpected Turns and the act of surrendering

How do you start each year?  Do you set a list of goals you want to accomplish?  Do you say a few New Year's resolutions and then develop a plan to take action?  After listing goals and resolutions, do you go full speed ahead then find that by the end of January you are exhausted and slowly start to relinquish your goals and resolutions?  This was definitely my story for many years.  I never really gave up completely on my goals and resolutions, but through reflection I could see patterns of behavior and my story as it played out.  I would work really hard at what I set out to accomplish, but then after a few weeks I realize I would start to lose ground on completion and the energy I used to tackle these new goals, would fade.  Then I would start to feel bad.  Really bad.  My inner critic would start yelling words like... "You failed.  Why can't you complete this?  What's wrong with you?"  That voice can be so brutally daunting, unforgiving, and relentless.

Then something magical happened.  A few years ago, my good friend, Brian Burrell, had a Facebook post stating his approach to the new year was letting a word choose him.  He credited his business coach, Christine Kane, for guiding him with this approach and shared a link regarding this remarkable, intuitive approach to the new year.  I followed the link, read her post, and thought, "what do I have to lose?"  So, I gave it a try...  My life and world was forever changed.  This new approach did exactly what her blog post said it would (Click on her name and it will take you to the blog post) it took the "should" out of my goals, called me out, and allowed me to create change within myself while honoring the space I was in at the time.  For the last few years, the words that have chosen me are Trust, Acceptance, and Surrender.  Powerful words that have a way of shaping us and molding us into something else.  At the end of 2017, I felt that Surrender wanted to stay with me and it had more to teach me.  As a result, I chose to listen and follow the path Surrender has for me.

Life has many unexpected turns that have the ability to crack me open and allow break through to happen, if I allow it, through the act of surrendering.  Over the years, I have noticed several opportunities for this level of awakening and transformation.  There have been times when I allowed change and transformation to occur, but usually never at a full surrender.  My ego still wanted me to be in control and as a result I would resist or try to manipulate the situation so I could feel "in control".  Do you know that saying, "what we resist, will persist?"  So, surrender and I are doing this elaborate dance with one another.  She leads and I'm trying my best to surrender control and follow.  In 2017, I saw some changes within myself as a result of my new friend, Surrender, and thankfully I have been able to recognize when she shows up to teach me something new.  

By surrendering, I manifested a beautiful home with a dreamy art studio.  I have allowed love to reenter my life.  I've felt a love I've never experienced before with a partner that is fully committed, and as he puts it, "all in."  I've had some success with commissioned art pieces that have allowed for connections with people, connections that have contributed to my soul's evolution.  By surrendering fear, I have become part of an amazing group of women who are empowering, uplifting, and committed to their success in this life, as well as, the success of other women.  Surrender has allowed me to step into the light and be big, instead of cowering in the corner in an attempt to be small and hidden.  These steps led to conducting my first healing art workshops.  Surrendering has allowed me to say YES more often and listen to the voice inside me that guides the direction of my heart.  All of these lessons have given me a sense of empowerment, love and connections with my community while allowing me to serve myself and others on a deeper level.

As life would have it, there have been some unexpected turns and uncomfortable gifts.  Gifts that continue to shape and mold me, awaken me to a deeper sense of self, and free me from the bondage my ego likes to enslave me with.  My unexpected turns came in a few different forms and have allowed me to awaken to limiting beliefs I have encased my soul's growth with, limiting my abilities to manifest more in my life.  I realized recently, that although I call my challenges uncomfortable gifts and I see them positively as areas of opportunity for growth, I also had a limiting belief surrounding it.  This limiting belief states I need challenges in order to grow, which I realize is not true.  I can continually grow without having earth shattering change and challenges.

Over the last few months, we have dealt with the death of a loved one, my mom's deteriorating health with hospitalization, my mom having cancer again, and having to locate a different house to live in.  Grieving the loss of my yummy art studio.  All of these unexpected turns have hit my family at the same time and are equally difficult in their own way.  Surrender has really opened my eyes, called me out on my story, and allowed me the opportunity to grow.  I'm not sure where she's leading me, but I know I'm going to be okay.  I know that the Divine order of things is watching over me, supporting me in my journey, and will provide whatever I need at the moment of need.  I know I am loved and that this love is unconditional and infinite.  So, I take her hand and follow wherever she leads, surrendering to her process and will.  And it is here through surrendering, that I will blossom into my soul's evolution and what my heart desires.

Image 1: ©2015 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels "Letting Go"
Image 2: ©2016 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels "Transformation 3"
Image 3: ©2017 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels "Bloom"

5

If you’ve spent a decent amount of time with me, and we’ve had in depth conversations, then you know that numerology is pretty important to me.  Within those conversations, I have most likely told you that I try my best to pay attention to the signs of the universe, and I feel quite strongly numbers are one of those signs. 

I’m reflective most days, but the last few days, I have been quite reflective.  My life has had some twists and turns, ups and downs, days that were filled with light and days upon days of darkness.  Sometimes so dark, I wondered if I would ever see the light.  Some of these days were a result of situational depression, and some of those days were a result of overthinking various things going on in my life and the world around me, the demon of self-doubt, and the fear of failure and success.  Isn’t it interesting that I fear both failure and success?  That’s a whole other conversation for another day. 

Five.  Such a small number.  A small number with a colossal meaning and symbolism.  A few days ago, the gadgets in my brain really started turning.  This week marks a few important anniversaries.  Anniversaries that demand a moment and a pause in time and reflection.  So, why the number 5?  What does 5 mean?  And how does it relate to my period of reflection and the anniversaries I’m reflecting on?

Five years ago, I was having the worst summer possible.  My husband professed how unhappy he was in our life together.  I literally waited on the sideline to find out if everything I had helped to build was going to crumble and be left in ruins.   I waited and prayed.  I created art to soothe my bleeding heart.  I cried myself to sleep, begging the Universe to help me through this impossible pain, again.   The thought of my marriage dissolving after putting so much work and effort into it, seemed unbearable. The timing incredibly painful.  Then it happened.  It was over.  I was left standing like I had been hit by a bus and utterly devastated.  I couldn’t believe that my life, the life I had helped create and build, was shattered. 

In my research today, I realized how important the number five is to this particular period of my life.  So, what does five mean?  The meanings that resonated with me are the following: “Personal freedom, individualism, non-attachment, CHANGE, LIFE LESSONS THROUGH EXPERIENCE, release and surrender, health and healing, expansion, opportunity, story-telling, making positive life choices and decisions, conflict, able to learn and teach from direct experience.” It goes on to say that “the number 5 relates to making positive life choices and decisions and learning life lessons through experience.” (Joanne Walmsley-Sacred Scribes, link is listed below)  This pretty much sums up the last five years of my life.

On August 9^th, five years ago, my husband said he wanted a separation.  Today, August 10^th, marks 5 years that he signed his lease on his apartment and started out on his journey alone.  At the time, I was devastated.  How could my life have led me here?  How in the world did this happen?  He was asking for personal freedom and I was clinging to attachment.  He wanted change and I wanted to repair this vessel that was so broken.  What I came to realize over the last five years, was I created the separation too.  My soul needed it, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask for it outside of my being.  He was.  I was rooted in my own core beliefs of what marriage was, I was too blind to see it at the time.  I was blinded by my pain, fear, attachment, control, fear of change and expansion.  So blinded, that I couldn’t see that this event in my life would lead me to learn, gain experience, make positive life choices and decisions, and eventually here, telling my story.

For quite some time the pain was unbearable.  The same thoughts churned over and over in my mind, which at times made me feel crazy.  I felt so lost and insecure.  Unsafe.  Uprooted and shattered.  I couldn’t imagine that the 18 years that I had invested in, and something I had worked so hard at, came to a screeching halt.  I was mad at myself for continuing to love him.  I was sad and alone.  There were times when the pity party in my head went on for so long, I thought I would break.  It was so tiresome, even Pity wanted to leave the party, but due to my attachment to her, I clung to her for dear life.  I couldn’t lose her too.  Victim-hood can suck the life out of anyone, and leave you naked and afraid.  I needed to feel empowered and strong, two feelings that were so far out of my reach, and so far from my view. 

I ran.  I biked.  I wrote.  I cried. I cried. And I cried some more.  I sat alone.  I took classes to heal myself.  I did yoga.  I listened to music.  After a while, I drank.  Not every day, but after a couple of years of the pain, I definitely drank to numb the intensity of my feelings and to forget… I needed to forget, for a few moments, that my life had been turned upside down.  In my moments that I was heart centered and witnessed soulful insight, there was this incredible clarity, and in those moments I realized the healing path I was on, and why my soul called for the separation just as much as he did.  I couldn’t blame him anymore, because I had asked for this too.  My soul needed to grow and expand, and this painful experience needed to happen, in order for the growth to occur within myself.  Then I started painting.  All of the intense emotions and thoughts that swirled in my brain, came pouring out of me onto the canvas.  Standing in front of the canvas, moving my brush, scared the shit out of me, but it was where I felt free.  Free of the noise.  Free of the emotional turmoil I wrestled with each day, because so much had changed in my life.  Through my pain and acts of self-love, I found painting.  Or maybe she found me?    It was through the act of painting, I started to see the girl in front of the mirror and I didn’t mind looking at her.  It was through painting, that I found healing and grace, incredible strength and bravery.  And EMPOWERMENT.

In the last five years, I have been on a journey of transformation.  A path that stripped me naked and shattered my world.  It was through healing my grief that I realized that I needed the challenging lessons to gain experience.  I needed the pain and hurt to understand the power of healing.

These last two days, while reflecting on the anniversary of the dissolve of my marriage and the start of my husband’s new journey without me, I feel incredibly blessed.  I learned a tremendous amount about myself, my community, healing, and what it means to let go and surrender.  Some of these lessons, I continue to learn and deepen my understanding of, but then again, aren’t we all?  These last five years, I have had an abundant growth within myself and in my external world.  I have fell down and got back up.  I’ve carried on, surrendered to the process, released, and healed.  The last five years have been truly represented by the numerology of five and its meaning.    

Tomorrow marks another anniversary.  August 11^th marks 23 years that we had our first kiss on the front steps of the Unadilla library.  It was here that our journey began.  Tomorrow also marks 17 years that we exchanged our own vows in front of our beloved family and friends.  I’ve reflected a lot this last week of anniversaries, on where my life was, where it is now, and where my life is headed.  This week marks five years that my life took a different turn and my lessons began, but it also marks a time when an immense love presented itself.  The last five years have been difficult, challenging, and a tremendous blessing. I’ve had many uncomfortable gifts and I know I’ll be presented with many more in my life.  Uncomfortable gifts allow us the space to expand and the room to grow.  I’ve grown and so has Shayne.  We are completely different people than we were five years ago when we ended our marriage, and started down a path by ourselves.  Now five years later, here we are.  Reunited and stronger than ever.  More in love than we ever were before.  We share a true partnership that didn’t exist before the separation.  We needed the separation in order to be in this loving space, and it is here, that I triumphantly celebrate the uncomfortable lessons I learned over the last five years.  It is here, I celebrate the love we have for one another and the life we are creating once again.  So tomorrow’s anniversary takes on a very different meaning for me.  A life enriched with love, partnership, and a life shared with my best friend.  I am truly blessed.   

Title:  "Transformation"

Medium:  Acrylic Paint

2016

In numerology, the number five carries several meanings, and I’ve chosen the meanings that resonated with me, and this particular time period of my life and reflection.  If you want to read more about the number five, please check out this link for the information:  http://numerology-thenumbersandtheirmeanings.blogspot.com/2011/03/number-5-ruler-mars-said-to-be.html?m=1

The evolution of an artist and a forever work in progress.

Evolution 

The gradual development of something, especially from a simple to a more complex form. 

Since my art journey began, many moons ago, my art has changed, transformed, and evolved, and so have I.  As I look back on past creations, I am reminded how far I have come as an artist and the evolution and development it has taken over the years.  Not only have I witnessed my art evolve but through art, I have evolved as a human and grown in ways that were unimaginable at the time.  It has taken a lot of hard work, showing up for myself when I wanted to hide, PATIENCE, acceptance, and practice.

This past year has been the fastest artistic growth I have seen thus far.  Words will be an inadequate description of the year I had painting under the gentle guidance of Flora Bowley but I will do my best to convey the beautiful experience I had.  This experience caused my seed to crack open and bloom into a magnificent creative flower.  If you read my last post, I had no choice but to bloom, then you know what happened and how I stumbled into the world of Flora Bowley.  From this post, you also know, that this experience was life changing and my creative lens was adjusted to see a whole different world, one that enhanced the unique and beautiful world I was already seeing.

I turned 40 in February 2015 and it has been by far, the best birthday yet.  I was surrounded by amazing friends who I love and came together to celebrate my life, wishing me well in the year ahead. Although my soul sister couldn't attend she gave me the gift of Flora.  An amazing, life altering gift that took me down a creative path I had not yet been on, lighting a fire no one will ever be able to extinguish.  The best gift EVER!

Although I'd love to go into a crazy amount of detail about Flora's wonderful intuitive painting E-course, I don't feel that it's right for me to do so.  What I will do is explain what each week meant to me and how at times it was painfully joyous.  The course was exactly what my soul needed and the timing perfect!  There were so many times throughout the course that I felt the course was carved out just for me.  It was as if Flora knew exactly what I was thinking and feeling, a sure sign that she is a messenger and vessel of spirit.  Each time these beautiful moments happened I smiled and thanked the spirit world for bringing me exactly what I needed and thanked Flora for saying just the right things at the exact time so I could heal and crack open.  So, here is what this gift meant to me.....

Let's be honest...  if someone tells you that soul work is easy, they are not doing something right or not being truthful with themselves.  I have found that anytime I work on my life, things I want to get better at, or areas I want to focus on to be a better person... it is WORK.  Soul work is work too.  Progress.  Improvement.  Work.  Onward and upward, right?  Some days the work is harder than other days and I have to gently remind myself that showing up each day to do the work is step one and worth verbally praising myself for doing so.  We are our own worst critics and it's astonishing how abusive we are to ourselves.  I have listened to the brutal voice in my head for far too long and as I make attempts to silence her and listen to the other voice that says, "I am worth it, I can do this, I am loved, and I am supported" I am finding that the world is in fact brighter and opportunities abound.

Flora's E-course began the last week of January 2015, however, I didn't really "start" until after the course had already been underway for a few weeks.  I really started to dive in the first week of April and it took me a little while to clear my head space to start, as well as being able to emotionally and physically give it my all, because of the heavy life circumstances I was experiencing I needed a little clarity before diving in.  Seriously, the course was concluding and I was beginning, so I was VERY grateful that Flora left the e-course up for us to access for 6 months after the conclusion of the course, so people like me were able to finish the course, as well as, do it in our own time, at our own pace.  Flowers don't bloom and grow at the same pace and neither do we.  Being able to complete this course on my terms became one of the biggest blessings, and the fact that I had permission to do it as I pleased, allowed the magic to really happen.

Each week comes with a theme and during the week there are a series of creative exercises to do based on the theme.  I found each exercise Flora presented, gave me a deeper understanding of the theme, and allowed me to open further which gave me a more enriched life experience and creative journey.  The exercises are completely voluntary and you can do as much or as little as you like.  Even though the soul work and showing up for myself to do the exercises was extremely hard at times, I was always excited about what was next and the information being presented.  I was a sponge that absorbed it all and when I thought I was full, I realized I wasn't.  :)  I found the course to be PERFECT for the established artist and the beginner with no experience.

I have always been fairly intuitive and felt connected with the spirit world around me.  I'm a seeker and because of this I am always searching for answers and connecting to the mystery around me.  As I dove into week one, Intuition, I found myself connecting even more with the spirit world and nature.  I loved being able to make a connection between my art and my intuition.  Intuitive painting was a scary concept for me.  To stand in front of a canvas with no concept, theme, or idea about what to paint raised all the flags of fear imaginable.  But I embraced it and I did so with courage and eager anticipation.  I found that as the lessons progressed I was completing them in perfect alignment with what I needed in my personal and creative life.  The stars continued to align in a magical dance the entire course and the magic didn't stop once the course was over.

Week 1: Layer 1 &2; Week 2 : Layer 3, 4, & 5; Week 3: Layer 6 & 7; Week 4: Layer 8

The hardest week I had during the course was week two...  Letting GO.  This week's lesson I needed the MOST...  on all of the following levels- spiritual, emotional, physical, mental and creative.  I believe that each of these levels are intertwined with each other and when one is out of balance it causes an imbalance in the other.  Our systems are quite remarkable and will cooperatively work harder to bring the other system in balance before reaching an imbalance itself.  I love that about our bodies.  Week two was where I did the most work and spent the most time in my soul and my art.  I stayed in this weeks lesson for 2 months and didn't move on to the following week until I felt ready.  It did cause me to have to rush a little towards the end but I felt that I needed that too.  What I needed most always presented itself exactly when I needed it.  Learning to let go of my ego and the fear I held on to regarding my art was a tremendous transformation.  Each day that I did the soul work regarding the theme of letting go, I could see myself morphing into something beautiful and the transformation I felt was uncomfortable and incredible...simultaneously.  The most powerful transformation I had during this week's lesson was embracing the words, "I AM AN ARTIST" and letting go of the thoughts that I had bouncing in my head shouting that I was not and the detrimental thoughts that my art wasn't good enough, I wasn't good enough.  I haven't completely purged myself of these limiting thoughts but I am working on it.  I can see that because I'm not holding on to this limiting view, my expression through art has radically changed.  It has opened a flood gate of creativity that was waiting to be released.

Week three...  Your inspiring life, felt light and airy.  I enjoyed taking a look at the world around me and concentrating on the micro and macro details then doing a fast sketch based on what I saw.  It was in this week that I realized how powerful fast sketches can be.  When I think of myself as an artist, I will be the first to tell you, I don't draw well.  I have loved drawing since I was a small child and remember soothing my soul's pain with drawing and music.  Over the last few years I have quieted the voice in my head that told me I couldn't draw and did it anyway.  During this week, Flora made sure to say aloud that we had PERMISSION to draw without the attachment that they had to be good.  This was so liberating for me and the fact that someone outside of my being gave me permission to have a crappy drawing allowed me to feel free.  It sounds so silly now but I realize how shackled I had become to the idea that what I drew had to be good or recognizable to someone other than me.  The days that followed I drew more and I needed that.  I also really enjoyed finding what I loved to draw and seeing through a different lens.  My peace absolutely comes from enjoying and seeing the natural world around me.  When I took my sketchbook out with me and stared at macro and micro images, it was as if the world exploded around me.  In this week I also gave myself permission to paint the images I LOVE and feel connected to, even if they were the same images I had been jotting down for eons.  Another very powerful lesson in week 3 was entering "THE AWKWARD TEENAGER PHASE" with my art.  My painting was exactly that, I felt it and at this stage I really hated my painting.  When this phrase came out of Flora's mouth, it was as if the stars aligned and I could move past it knowing this awkward teenager phase would pass.  It allowed me to not become stuck and allowed the fear of "will this ever be good?" or "can I really paint something beautiful?" to leave.  Since this remarkable class, I have entered the awkward teenager phase with every single one of my paintings and every time the fear arises I chuckle, and gently remind myself that this too shall pass and the result will be something beautiful, to be patient, and allow my voice to emerge.  I surrendered to the process and really learned to trust myself, my abilities, and that my creative voice would emerge without me having to force it.

Week 4: Layer 9; Week 5: Layer 10 - 12;
Layer 12 - 16 was applying everything I learned in the course and getting  everything right

Week four...  Being BRAVE!  In this week my soul emerged with courage and bravery and left my ego behind.  This was absolutely necessary especially when being in the awkward teenager phase.  As my ego tried to take hold and convince me that I wasn't an artist, I wasn't good enough, or riddled my being with fear, my soul gently reminded me that I was safe, my creative voice was beautiful, and to be brave and step into the light.  When I took the step and embraced the courage to do so, fear was left behind and my ego was quiet.  My soul stood firmly and my creative voice was heard loud and clear.  Love emerged and with love, my painting emerged too.  Beyond my painting, I began to have the courage to share my artwork more.  This brave act was so liberating.  The response to my artwork from those that I shared it with was remarkable.  I finally felt like I had arrived.

All of these layers were adding the finishing touches to my painting.
These layers were really a continuation of week 5 and allowing my authentic voice to emerge,
giving my painting a voice and my brush an opportunity to speak.

Week five...  Finding your authentic voice.  Truth is by the time I got to week four and five I had to go a little faster because the online availability of this dynamic course was drawing to a close.  It wasn't because there wasn't enough time to access it, it was because at the beginning I allowed fear to conquer me, life's circumstances were way too heavy for me to take on anything else, and the demons screaming in my head that I wasn't going to paint anything beautiful were deafening.  So, yes I had plenty of time to get to week five, but the reasons I just stated AND the fact I had spent nearly two months in week two letting go of many of the negative ideas and beliefs I held as well as the limitations my mind framed around me, caused me to rush a little towards the end of the course.  The truth is, I believe I needed that too.  Because I had to "rush" and didn't have time to "think" or listen to the demons, I was in a beautiful state of spiritual and creative awareness.  It was here that I embraced the idea to be brave and "BE" in the moment and I was able to paint from a place of complete freedom.  It was there that my authentic voice emerged.  I realized that for years now I had been developing my style and trying on different things creatively to see what was my fit, my voice.  I had been testing the water for all of it and it took courage to do that.  We are our own worst critic and sometimes we cause the magic to stop as a result.  I realized I had done that too.  But by the end of week five, magic was in the air and on my canvas.  My soul was filled with joy and my energy was vibrating at a frequency I can't describe in words.

This gift was the second best gift I have ever received in my life, the first being motherhood.  The experience was incredibly HARD because soul work is hard, and at the same time when I stepped into the flow and just accepted the magic, it was also incredibly EASY.  That in itself is a lesson.  This e-course is so much more than a painting class...  it's a lesson in spiritual awareness, awakening, self-esteem, empowerment, accepting that we are divine and beautiful, LISTENING to our inner voice and the voice of the world around us, and acceptance.  If you are thinking...  I'm not an artist nor do I know anything about art... that's okay, you don't have to be an artist or know anything about art to take this online course.  If you are thinking, I'm an established artist and don't need another painting class or instruction on how to paint...  I am here to tell you that this is not just a painting course, it's more than that.  If you want to give yourself a true gift, buy this class for yourself.  It will be the greatest gift you give yourself and I PROMISE it will be worth every penny you spend on it.  Or maybe give it to someone else...  I'm glad Karin gave it to me...  Best gift EVER!

As I said in the beginning, when I look at my art over the years, I realize how each moment has led to this one.  I can see how much I have evolved and transformed.  Each stage of my life different just like my art.  Flora's e-course allowed me to crack my artistic seed open and sink my roots into a new belief.  The belief that I AM AN ARTIST and what I create is MY VOICE and it is beautiful.  It doesn't have to be beautiful to anyone else because my creative voice is enough and says what my creative work is.  Even now as I look at my finished painting on the wall, my inner critic has come out a few times stating the various areas my painting could improve and I've had to stop the voice.  I believe this voice can be helpful or it can be hurtful.  The voice can push us to be more than what we are or stop us from becoming.  I became something beautiful.  I bloomed beyond my dreams.  I have evolved and I will continue to do so because I am a forever work in progress.

Just like the pure joy emitting from the face of "S" skeleton,
my heart felt the same.

My art hanging in my home next to my
daughter's art... pure joy.