The life of a warrior

I've been called a warrior a few times, but never really embraced it as my truth until recently. When I think of the hardship, challenges, the struggles of my life, and all that I have endured in my 45 years on this earth, I am definitely a warrior. According to my google search, a warrior is defined as "a brave or experienced fighter" and when I think about all the battles I have had to fight over the years, I realize I am a warrior. Truth is, many of us are. I am not alone in facing adversity, challenges, hardship, and life battles. When I connect with people and share some of my stories, an exchange occurs, and it's through that connection of shared experience, I have found we are not alone. I have listened to countless people with similar stories of hardship and life challenging experiences and with each encounter, I find there is a lesson, strength, and something to gain from each experience giving rise to newfound growth. Listening to another person's challenges and the strength they found to endure gives us insight and at times direction for our own path. To embody the warrior we must be brave and fight, but we also need to listen. Over the years I have found it validating and liberating to listen to another person's journey and by listening I found the answers I was seeking and the solidarity of support my heart craved. Each experience and challenge has molded me into who I am now and I know at any time my form can be melted down and the process of rebuilding can begin again. To some that may generate fear, don't get me wrong it generates fear in me as well, but it also creates excitement because the rebuild allows us to rewrite our story, and create the path we choose. 

My heart outside of my body
I love the laughter we share and these two...
more than words can adequately express. ♥
Mother's Day 2020

This morning I was reflecting on the struggles of parenthood and how hard it is to be a mother. I love being a mother and feel like I was born to be one, but my God it's the hardest job I've ever had. When people ask me about raising teens today, my mind and heart can easily drift to the highs and the lows. Everyone assumes raising a girl is harder but raising my son has definitely been much more difficult. Not because he's a difficult kid, but because I had to work at finding a way in. And let me be clear, I still have to work hard at it. In many ways, I work harder at finding a way in now that he's entered life as a college student than when I did when he was a child. As a child, he allowed himself to be more vulnerable and showed more sensitivity. He received love and help readily which was easier for me since I'm sensitive, loving, compassionate, and very affectionate. Around the teenage years, he shifted and became more withdrawn. Part of it was the normal stages of development and him finding his way independently, but I'm sure part of it was also from the hurts of life and as a result, he became self-protecting and reserved. He's quiet, very private, contemplative, and STUBBORN. Did I tell you he was stubborn? Even if he needs help he will resist asking because in his mind he thinks he has to do it by himself. I'm not sure where he came up with this limiting belief, and maybe somewhere without realizing the weight of my words I said something to him that caused him to develop this belief. Like I said parenthood is hard. Unfortunately, we can't insulate our children from our shortcomings or mistakes. There are definitely times when I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and correct things. The ability to look into a crystal ball would be so nice, so I could see where I made the mistake. But I can't do either, and the only alternative I have is to keep trying and do the best I can. I joke that he's been difficult since the moment he was conceived, but the truth is he really wasn't difficult, I just had to work harder. He's a really great young man. I couldn't ask for a better son. He's one of my favorite humans and one of the best people my soul has connected with during this life. My daughter on the other hand... yes, she's a teenager and by most accounts, people say teenage girls are hard, but she's easy peasy. We are very similar so it's easy to connect with her and I'm not left wondering about her life. She shares and communicates what is going on in her life so it's easy to be on the sideline watching her and allowing her to grow independently. Unfortunately, that's my biggest obstacle with my son... not knowing and his lack of communication. Either way, motherhood is hard, parenthood is hard. Even having a daughter that communicates regularly and allows me into her world it's still hard. She has gone through her own set of challenges and the world has been cruel to her kind, sweet, sensitive heart. That has been one of the most challenging things to endure in mothering her. The world is harsh and the challenges great, and part of being a good parent/mother is allowing your children to grow and find their way when all you want to do is insulate, protect, and shield them. I'm grateful for both of these incredible humans and the lessons they teach me. I'm grateful for the honor to be their mother. They are the same and yet, so very different. The truth is, I'll always be their mother. And I'll always do my best to protect and support them as they grow and expand, and during the times of complacency and stagnation. I will be a life warrior for them...always.

My mom's birthday 2015

I originally wrote the first paragraph of this blog post on 10/10/19 with the intent of commemorating the life of my beautiful mother. You see her birthday is the 11th of October and I wanted to celebrate her wonderful life as a fierce and strong warrior of life. I also wanted to celebrate my deep love and respect for her. I was trying to process the reality that she was fading from this world and it was quite possibly the last birthday I would be celebrating with her. As I changed my age in the above paragraph my heart sunk. I've missed her terribly this year and yet, because of the world's COVID-19 pandemic, national health crisis, social injustice, environmental crisis, and the intense election distractions, my grief has been abated. I know it's bubbling under the surface and when I feel her rise, I honor her. I sit and feel it allowing the release and the feelings to wash over me knowing this is important to my healing and part of my self-care. Grief is a tricky thing and although the world moves on, our hearts are in a place that takes a tremendous amount of time to heal. It requires grace and patience with ourselves and shutting out the noise and judgment of the world. Most people can't handle the intense feelings of grief so they want the people surrounding them to move on from it too. I learned that life lesson many years ago, so I honor grief and the importance of healing, and ignore the noise.

My mom and I
11/22/18

I wonder how my mother felt about motherhood. Did she feel the same as I do? Did she feel differently? Did she feel it was hard to parent me or easy? What do I know when it comes to my mom and motherhood? I know she LOVED being a mother. I know she was born to do it and she made the decision pretty early on to change her own story and be a better mother than her own. I know that she took the job seriously and come hell or high water she supported my brother and I NO MATTER WHAT. I'm sure there were times she cried herself to sleep and she wondered if she did a good job. Those are the thoughts and questions every good mother asks herself. On some level, I know I was a pretty easy child. I did what was expected of me although I did normal teenage mischief. She always knew I would do the right thing... most of the time, and that I would use my people skills and good judgment to keep me moving forward. The most difficult period for her was after I turned 16 and I was a little out of control. WILD. But she had a wisdom that she relied on and she was a fierce warrior... you just didn't mess with her. She knew exactly what to do and shipped my ass to California to stay with a friend for a month. She knew I needed some time to calm down and find my way. MOTHER WARRIOR WISDOM. After that, I did the normal teenage stuff but I was more grounded and definitely analyzed the outcome and risks before engaging. She knew what she was doing. If she was here to tell you herself, she would probably say her biggest complaint was I was mouthy... talking back and I don't know how many times she said... "Why do you always have to have the last word? SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH!" It annoyed the crap out of me, but she was right. I was mouthy and didn't listen at times resulting in my own struggles and hers as a mother. My brother on the other hand... well, he was a difficult one. Firey, fierce, stubborn, and a huge risk-taker. He said screw it most days, alright if you knew Jon he didn't say screw it, he used other choice words. He took his chances and dealt with the consequences of his actions and behaviors afterward. He was in it for the ride and experience which is a nightmare for a mother. A nightmare for my mother. As his sister, I admired all these attributes about him although it scared the shit out of me. I knew in my heart that eventually, this lifestyle would catch up to him, and unfortunately, it did. This was the greatest burden my mother had to bear in this life... the loss of her son. I can't imagine the pain and won't allow my mind to take me there. I don't know that I would be as strong as her. I think that would officially break me.

Nature's love. Hearts everywhere
Taken Spring 2020 
♥ Redbud leaf ♥

So, what is the life of a warrior? Who is a warrior? As I stated in the first paragraph, "a brave or an experienced fighter." Yes, that was my mother. She came into this world fighting and she left this world fighting. She loved deeply and yet kept her heart at bay. She struggled to find balance in her life and yet despite struggling to find her own balance, she could give you the greatest advice to find yours. She was wise beyond her years and smarter than she thought she was. When I think about all the struggles she had to endure in her life, I'm astounded by her strength. She really was and is the strongest person I have ever met. I learned from the best and she absolutely showed me how to live as a warrior and how to be a good mother. I may not be the best mother, but I always do my best, which makes me a pretty damn good mother. And when it comes to being a warrior... well, I always stand back up, dust myself off, look for the positive, and the lesson I'm supposed to learn, and keep moving forward. And that makes me a pretty damn good warrior. I'll keep fighting and honoring her the best I can... by living life to the fullest, growing, and learning to be better today than I was yesterday.

Honoring Grief

Today I sit with an overwhelming sadness, and tears streaming down my face.  I have to go to work in a little while and quite frankly I don't want to.  I want to sit here and honor this grief; and the sadness I feel as a result.  There's a tightness in my chest from the grief I feel, a tightness so heavy it steals my breath.  Damn, I'm grieving hard. 

Last night I came home from work and saw something black in my back yard on the edge of the forest.  I wondered what it was when I saw it, and my brain started in overdrive.  Intuitively I knew. I immediately told myself it couldn't be and walked inside my house.  I said the usual hellos to everyone and proceeded to the kitchen to start unloading my groceries.  After saying hello to my love, he went right into telling me I wasn't going to be happy.  Again, intuitively I knew.  "We have a dead crow in our yard."  My heart sunk.  Immediate sadness.

I walked out back and stood there looking at my spirit animal.  I felt a deep sadness and the tears began.  I placed my hands on my heart and told the bird I loved him.  And I was sorry.  I'm not sure what I was sorry for, I guess I was sorry he died.  My chest tightened and the tears flowed.  I came back inside and my love gave me a comforting embrace.  I'm grateful he understood.  A beloved family member had died and I'm so deeply sad.

This morning I find myself standing on the back deck starting at him.  I've cried a lot and have felt a deep sadness and grief.  The same sadness and grief I have felt when someone I love has passed on.  I want to honor Crow and his life, but quite frankly I don't know how.  Part of me, wants to wrap him up and give him a burial.  The other voice inside me says honor him through art.  But how?  So, I will sit with that for a little bit and allow the answers to come. 

Allow. Honor. Healing

These last few days I've had a strong pull to write my feelings out, but the raging battle of avoidance and resistance were winning the war.  I have a few different coping methods I use to allow for a space of healing to occur and aide in the restoration of balance.  Deep in my heart, I know there are certain coping methods that are more effective, and yet, I turn to the "easier" methods to avoid the feelings that may come up because I need to keep moving.  It's in the moment of stillness, that I feel this stirring that says, "take care of this" and the flood gates are open and the emotions come to the surface.  As time passes, I am developing an understanding of the agreements I have made with myself that have created my limiting beliefs that give rise to the battle of avoidance and resistance instead of diving in to aide in my release.  With time, I have noticed my battle with avoidance and resistance has lessened and I have become more patient with myself and my healing process.

A small glimpse of a work in progress.
©2018 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing
Whimsical Jewels

For me, writing, painting and healing arts are powerful healers.  As much as I dance with resistance, I am thankful that I place one foot in front of the other and say hello to these healers and engage with them despite the fear I feel at times.  While engage with these powerful tools of healing, it takes a level of courage and bravery to do so, because the emotions that are evoked during the process can be quite overwhelming.  But so worth it!  The level of emotion that comes to the surface while engaging with these great healers astounds me, and allows me to honor my process and listen.  Beyond witnessing my own story of healing, I have been able to witness the healing power these great methods offer to others I have had the honor of coaching.  Silencing the noise in my head and tricking my ego to be quiet in order to create an honoring space to heal, transform, and surrender is what allows me to place one foot in front of the other to cope with my external world.  Honoring myself and the stage I am in, allows for a deeper understanding of myself, and provides a safe space for me to cope and heal.

My brave steps this week.  I'm working on a
few different paintings right now.  Current
work in progress.
© 2018 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing
Whimsical Jewels

A few of my limiting beliefs that give rise to my resistance are....  "I'm not good enough."  "I'm not smart enough."  "My writing will sound stupid."  "No one will read this or care, so what's the point?"  "What happens if my painting sucks?"  "What happens if I don't paint something good?"  All of these thoughts and beliefs give rise to fear and open a space that could potentially hold me back from not moving forward.  It's the moment of truth.  I can choose to listen and not move forward, or I can allow the wave of healing to occur.  The truth is, my writing is my own.  It's my unique voice, and over the years I've worked hard to develop her, listen to her, and surrender to what she wants to say.  Is it going to win a prize?   NO and that's okay.  Is it going to be grammatically correct?  Probably not and that's okay.  Does my writing really say I'm not smart?  Well, I guess it could to some people... and that's okay.  The truth is, I know I am smart and my writing is a healing space for myself that allows me to reflect and cope with life.  And truly, who cares if no one reads it... Of course, I hope someone does.  Not because I need them to, but because I hold the intention of healing for others as much as I do for myself.  I hope that my words resonate with the reader, and in that space of connection allows for love to heal; inspiring you to do your own form of healing beyond the space of fear.  The truth about my art and paintings is this... they too, are my unique voice and my art.  Art is subjective and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  I create art because I need to, and because I want to, even when resistance is high and I've had to wrestle myself to get in the studio and stand in front of my canvas.  Yes, there are times painting can be a painful process for me, but the magic that happens because I show up in front of the canvas, I have trouble placing into words.  The in between stages of each canvas, undoubtedly always brings about more fear because it's usually a jumbled mess, and my ego likes to step in and say "I told you so."  Really, what did you tell me?  That I wasn't good enough? It's in that space that spirit whispers..."yes you are, keep going, you got this."  It's in that moment that my heart says, "I believe in you and I love you."  And let me tell you, because I chose to listen to my heart and spirit, there have been several canvases I have stood in front of, in utter disbelief that they were mine.  And in that beautiful, magical moment, I've felt an indescribable joy.  My limiting beliefs are fairly universal and shared by many people.  It's what we decide to do with those constricting beliefs that matters.  Today I chose to shut them off, told my fear to kiss my ass, and sat down to write.  Yesterday I did the same and lovingly picked up my brushes to paint.  It felt so damn good to open to the space of healing and allow myself to be in the present moment, silencing the noise of fear.


Today, I invite you to move forward.  Engage in that healing space, open up to the possibilities waiting for you.  Tell fear to kiss your ass.  Be brave and move forward.  Allow  your spirit and heart to emerge, and do what your being called to do.  Do you feel the urge to write?  To paint?  To breathe?  To call and connect with someone?  To walk outside?  To take the first steps to be more healthy?  Whatever it is...  take the first step.  The second step gets easier and the reward of moving forward, and connecting with your inner voice is greater than what I can describe to you.  I have felt it myself many times and witnessed it with those I have had the honor of coaching.  I believe in you and I'm holding a loving space of healing for you.

"The Light Within"
©2017 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing
Whimsical Jewels

Late night writings

"Changing" Acrylic painting,
© 2018 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels

Inspiration.  Do you ever notice when yours comes?  Do you pay attention to this quiet voice that gives us big ideas or do you ignore it because the timing is inconvenient?  For me the answers are yes, yes, and yes.  I have found that the voice of inspiration comes when I least expect it... in the shower, walking in the woods, in the middle of the night, when I'm driving down the road, observing other artist's work, looking at the wonders of nature, observing bright, bold colors, listening to music, and sometimes in the middle of a conversation.  Lately my ideas and inspiration have come during the night.  I'll awake from a sound sleep and have all of these ideas in my head.  I then feel this sense of urgency to hurry and write them down.  I have been known to ignore them, because it's the middle of the night and well... I'm sleeping and I'm tired.  I've learned though, that most of the time when you ignore that little voice, the inspiration goes away and doesn't return until the next big idea.  Try as I might, I can never conjure up the inspiration or feelings that were invoked at the time inspiration spoke to me.

Lately my inspiration has been coupled with my emotional content and what I'm processing internally.  Time weighs heavy on my heart and on my mind.  When your staring Father Time in the face wondering when the clock will stop ticking, it definitely raises all kinds of uncertainty and a level of emotions I can't place into words.  That's my current story right now.  It's not an easy story to tell, because right now there is a vulnerability that comes with an authentic raw emotion that cuts to my core, leaving my heart aching and a sickness in my belly.  I have wrestled with myself internally and went back and forth about sharing my feelings.  I feel very vulnerable and emotionally raw.  That's my truth and my story.  The wrestling is over.  I've decided to share it because it's healing for me.  A couple weeks ago, in the middle of the night, inspiration called and I had no choice but to listen.  This time it was about my dear momma.

I've been called to write about her a few times over the years.  She's a very influential part of who I am as a woman and as a mother.  In December, I was awakened from a very powerful dream, with the same sense of urgency to record my thoughts and feelings.  I still carry my dream message with me, because I lovingly talked with my mother the day after the dream.  December was a really stressful month.  At the beginning of the month, my dear mother was hospitalized for several days, on 12/13 we experienced the anniversary of 9 years without my brother Jon, and on 12/15 my husband said goodbye to his brother.  It was a really tough month in our family.  My dream came the night before my brother's anniversary and it was so powerful.  In my dream, my soul openly spoke to my mother with a pure love I've never experienced before.  I have grieved the loss of my brother, HARD, for the first few years after he died and thankfully now when the anniversary of his death arrives, it's an honored space more than a sad, grief space.  I take the time to honor his life and what he meant to me while he was here.  For my mother, it's a lot different.  I don't pretend to know what she goes through as a mother losing her son, and when I think about it, the feelings almost break me.  In the dream, I shared that pain with her, and in that moment I could feel the tremendous pain of her heavy loss and it was unimaginable.  During that moment of love, we sat and openly talked with one another sharing our love for one another.  When I awoke from the dream I was crying.  I felt the need to write it down, and realized I had a few things I needed to say to my dear mom.  Instead of popping out of bed to quickly write it down, I trusted myself to remember what I needed to say to her.  For some reason, I didn't fear losing it, quite possibly because it was so powerful and the emotions I felt were quite deep.

Over the years, I have spoken with individuals who have lost a sibling and I've read books on grief and this particular loss.  In my own research and in the pages I read, a lot of siblings shared they felt neglected by their parents after their sibling died.  When holidays would come, they expressed the same type of experiences...  Instead of celebrating life and a joyous time of togetherness during the holiday/birthday/etc, the parents focused on the death of their child and that they weren't there to celebrate with them.  For a lot of children who have lost a sibling, there can be a sense of survivor's guilt with irrational thoughts and feelings that come as a result of this tremendous loss.  Thankfully, I have NEVER had to experience those feelings.  I absolutely went through survivor's guilt, but it was part of my grieving process, not because my mother, or father for that matter, caused the feelings.  In my dream, I felt my mother's broken heart and her feelings of loss.  Her heart was whole and full of love prior to Jon's death, and after this tremendous loss she felt incomplete, broken, and her heart was missing the other half.

In my dream, the purity and power of her love was clearly communicated to me.  Her soul spoke so lovingly to mine, sharing that Jon and I were the true loves of her life, and with him gone, her heart felt incomplete.  As I share this, I can feel her pain and her love simultaneously.  It immediately brings me to tears and makes my heart ache.  My soul so beautifully expressed my understanding, and how loved I felt by her despite her burden of grief.  In my dream I thanked her for her love and for always making me feel wanted, despite missing the other part of her heart.  This dream was such a gift to my heart, healing in its own way.  The next day, (my brother's anniversary) I called and thanked her for her gift of unconditional love, for allowing me to be the love of her life, and for always loving me just as I am, nothing more or less.  We cried together and expressed our love for one another.  That moment, in dream and in our phone conversation, will be something I will hold in my heart forever.

A couple weeks ago, after being asleep for a little while, I was suddenly wide awake.  During the day, I had some pretty terrible news about my mother's health and I was processing everything before drifting off to sleep.  When I awoke, I was really groggy and quite tired.  Emotionally I was spent.  I really wanted to roll over and go back to sleep, pushing my ideas and thoughts to the side, forgetting that I had been woken by the voice of inspiration.  I can't lie, I contemplated it for a few minutes, and then told her to go away that I was tired, and I really didn't want to deal with the emotional content of her inspiration.  Somewhere deep inside me there was this voice... "If you don't go write it down and write it out, you will regret it."  Then like a flood, these ideas, thoughts, feelings, and MEMORIES had come to me in that moment and quite frankly, I didn't want to forget them.  Begrudgingly I got up.  I went to my studio, and started writing in my journal.  For 2 hours, I wrote.  I remembered things, I hadn't remembered and saw things from a different set of lenses.  A new pair of glasses.  My heart hurt and my body shook from my sobs, but there I sat writing until I couldn't write anymore.  When I finished writing and my tears stopped flowing, I felt so much better.  I saw things differently.  I also had this sense of "Knowing" that wasn't there before.

I have a Rumi journal that has his beautiful quotes on each page.  In the silent hours of the night, I scribbled on the pages of my journal about love, beauty, and childhood.  I wrote about motherhood and the blessings of love that I have received.  Perfectly aligned with my late night writings were these 4 Rumi quotes: "Love is a cloud that scatters pearls."  "God created your wings not to be dormant.  As long as you are alive you must try more and more to use your wings to show you're alive."  "Thankfulness brings you to the place where the Beloved lives."  "You think because you understand "one" you must also understand "two," because one and one make two.  But you must also understand "and."   Each quote, magically aligned for a deeper knowing and sense of gratitude that I had listened to the voice inside me, calling to scribble on my pages.

"Blue", Mixed Media Nature Mandala
© 2017 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels

My momma...  What best describes this woman I call Mother?  Is it grace or beauty?  Is it pure love and loyalty?  Is it strength and fire?  Is it tenderness?  Is it thoughtful and kind?  Is it protective and fierce?  I'd say all of these are perfect descriptions of the woman I have the honor to call mom.  A few months ago, if you had asked me what my greatest loss in life had been, I would have told you, hands down, my brother.  Now staring at the possibility of losing my mother, without really knowing when, and on a much more rapid time table, I can easily say... her.  She will be my greatest loss.  I haven't even felt her loss yet and I can say without a doubt this will be my greatest loss.  She is my beginning.  The roots in my tree.  And what do you do when your tree has been uprooted?

42 years ago, I was a little "seedling" in the tree of life called my mother, or as I like to call her... mommy or momma.  She has lovingly guided me throughout my life and really placed a solid foundation for me as a woman.  Any words I use, will be inadequate for describing my gratitude and love for this dear woman.  She is pure love and embodies it in her core.  My descriptive words of love barely scratch the surface of who she is and my love for her.  From the time, she knew she was pregnant with me, she loved me.  She did what she could to protect me, and cared for me with a love so deep I can feel it in my core.  Throughout childhood into adulthood, she has been a fierce lioness protecting me, her cub.  She has been a strong and fierce, a force to be reckoned with.  God help you, if you did anything to hurt Jon or I.  These days, it is I that protects her.  And quite honestly, my actions pale in comparison to hers.  Her love has always been flawless and gentle, unconditional and forgiving.  She was a good teacher of love, friendship, and how to be a good mother.  Her teachings showed me taught me to stand on my own feet as a woman.  She made sure to give me the tools I would need to be successful in this life.  I could go on and on... but you get my point.

So now here I am, looking at my time with this incredible woman.  Life is short, and her time is being
shortened by cancer.  It makes me feel all the feels.  Some would ask for healing and would beg Father time for more time, but that's not where I am in my journey.  I accept that this is where I am and where she is.  I surrender to this process, knowing I can't control it.  The only thing I can do is love her fiercely and support her decisions as she rides the last wave.  I have appreciated every second I have had with her.  She has loved me with a depth I am inadequate in describing and even father time can't take that from me because love is eternally infinite.

"Acceptance" Acrylic painting
© 2016 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels

Unexpected Turns and the act of surrendering

How do you start each year?  Do you set a list of goals you want to accomplish?  Do you say a few New Year's resolutions and then develop a plan to take action?  After listing goals and resolutions, do you go full speed ahead then find that by the end of January you are exhausted and slowly start to relinquish your goals and resolutions?  This was definitely my story for many years.  I never really gave up completely on my goals and resolutions, but through reflection I could see patterns of behavior and my story as it played out.  I would work really hard at what I set out to accomplish, but then after a few weeks I realize I would start to lose ground on completion and the energy I used to tackle these new goals, would fade.  Then I would start to feel bad.  Really bad.  My inner critic would start yelling words like... "You failed.  Why can't you complete this?  What's wrong with you?"  That voice can be so brutally daunting, unforgiving, and relentless.

Then something magical happened.  A few years ago, my good friend, Brian Burrell, had a Facebook post stating his approach to the new year was letting a word choose him.  He credited his business coach, Christine Kane, for guiding him with this approach and shared a link regarding this remarkable, intuitive approach to the new year.  I followed the link, read her post, and thought, "what do I have to lose?"  So, I gave it a try...  My life and world was forever changed.  This new approach did exactly what her blog post said it would (Click on her name and it will take you to the blog post) it took the "should" out of my goals, called me out, and allowed me to create change within myself while honoring the space I was in at the time.  For the last few years, the words that have chosen me are Trust, Acceptance, and Surrender.  Powerful words that have a way of shaping us and molding us into something else.  At the end of 2017, I felt that Surrender wanted to stay with me and it had more to teach me.  As a result, I chose to listen and follow the path Surrender has for me.

Life has many unexpected turns that have the ability to crack me open and allow break through to happen, if I allow it, through the act of surrendering.  Over the years, I have noticed several opportunities for this level of awakening and transformation.  There have been times when I allowed change and transformation to occur, but usually never at a full surrender.  My ego still wanted me to be in control and as a result I would resist or try to manipulate the situation so I could feel "in control".  Do you know that saying, "what we resist, will persist?"  So, surrender and I are doing this elaborate dance with one another.  She leads and I'm trying my best to surrender control and follow.  In 2017, I saw some changes within myself as a result of my new friend, Surrender, and thankfully I have been able to recognize when she shows up to teach me something new.  

By surrendering, I manifested a beautiful home with a dreamy art studio.  I have allowed love to reenter my life.  I've felt a love I've never experienced before with a partner that is fully committed, and as he puts it, "all in."  I've had some success with commissioned art pieces that have allowed for connections with people, connections that have contributed to my soul's evolution.  By surrendering fear, I have become part of an amazing group of women who are empowering, uplifting, and committed to their success in this life, as well as, the success of other women.  Surrender has allowed me to step into the light and be big, instead of cowering in the corner in an attempt to be small and hidden.  These steps led to conducting my first healing art workshops.  Surrendering has allowed me to say YES more often and listen to the voice inside me that guides the direction of my heart.  All of these lessons have given me a sense of empowerment, love and connections with my community while allowing me to serve myself and others on a deeper level.

As life would have it, there have been some unexpected turns and uncomfortable gifts.  Gifts that continue to shape and mold me, awaken me to a deeper sense of self, and free me from the bondage my ego likes to enslave me with.  My unexpected turns came in a few different forms and have allowed me to awaken to limiting beliefs I have encased my soul's growth with, limiting my abilities to manifest more in my life.  I realized recently, that although I call my challenges uncomfortable gifts and I see them positively as areas of opportunity for growth, I also had a limiting belief surrounding it.  This limiting belief states I need challenges in order to grow, which I realize is not true.  I can continually grow without having earth shattering change and challenges.

Over the last few months, we have dealt with the death of a loved one, my mom's deteriorating health with hospitalization, my mom having cancer again, and having to locate a different house to live in.  Grieving the loss of my yummy art studio.  All of these unexpected turns have hit my family at the same time and are equally difficult in their own way.  Surrender has really opened my eyes, called me out on my story, and allowed me the opportunity to grow.  I'm not sure where she's leading me, but I know I'm going to be okay.  I know that the Divine order of things is watching over me, supporting me in my journey, and will provide whatever I need at the moment of need.  I know I am loved and that this love is unconditional and infinite.  So, I take her hand and follow wherever she leads, surrendering to her process and will.  And it is here through surrendering, that I will blossom into my soul's evolution and what my heart desires.

Image 1: ©2015 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels "Letting Go"
Image 2: ©2016 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels "Transformation 3"
Image 3: ©2017 Toni Becker, Whimsical Jewels "Bloom"

The evolution of an artist and a forever work in progress.

Evolution 

The gradual development of something, especially from a simple to a more complex form. 

Since my art journey began, many moons ago, my art has changed, transformed, and evolved, and so have I.  As I look back on past creations, I am reminded how far I have come as an artist and the evolution and development it has taken over the years.  Not only have I witnessed my art evolve but through art, I have evolved as a human and grown in ways that were unimaginable at the time.  It has taken a lot of hard work, showing up for myself when I wanted to hide, PATIENCE, acceptance, and practice.

This past year has been the fastest artistic growth I have seen thus far.  Words will be an inadequate description of the year I had painting under the gentle guidance of Flora Bowley but I will do my best to convey the beautiful experience I had.  This experience caused my seed to crack open and bloom into a magnificent creative flower.  If you read my last post, I had no choice but to bloom, then you know what happened and how I stumbled into the world of Flora Bowley.  From this post, you also know, that this experience was life changing and my creative lens was adjusted to see a whole different world, one that enhanced the unique and beautiful world I was already seeing.

I turned 40 in February 2015 and it has been by far, the best birthday yet.  I was surrounded by amazing friends who I love and came together to celebrate my life, wishing me well in the year ahead. Although my soul sister couldn't attend she gave me the gift of Flora.  An amazing, life altering gift that took me down a creative path I had not yet been on, lighting a fire no one will ever be able to extinguish.  The best gift EVER!

Although I'd love to go into a crazy amount of detail about Flora's wonderful intuitive painting E-course, I don't feel that it's right for me to do so.  What I will do is explain what each week meant to me and how at times it was painfully joyous.  The course was exactly what my soul needed and the timing perfect!  There were so many times throughout the course that I felt the course was carved out just for me.  It was as if Flora knew exactly what I was thinking and feeling, a sure sign that she is a messenger and vessel of spirit.  Each time these beautiful moments happened I smiled and thanked the spirit world for bringing me exactly what I needed and thanked Flora for saying just the right things at the exact time so I could heal and crack open.  So, here is what this gift meant to me.....

Let's be honest...  if someone tells you that soul work is easy, they are not doing something right or not being truthful with themselves.  I have found that anytime I work on my life, things I want to get better at, or areas I want to focus on to be a better person... it is WORK.  Soul work is work too.  Progress.  Improvement.  Work.  Onward and upward, right?  Some days the work is harder than other days and I have to gently remind myself that showing up each day to do the work is step one and worth verbally praising myself for doing so.  We are our own worst critics and it's astonishing how abusive we are to ourselves.  I have listened to the brutal voice in my head for far too long and as I make attempts to silence her and listen to the other voice that says, "I am worth it, I can do this, I am loved, and I am supported" I am finding that the world is in fact brighter and opportunities abound.

Flora's E-course began the last week of January 2015, however, I didn't really "start" until after the course had already been underway for a few weeks.  I really started to dive in the first week of April and it took me a little while to clear my head space to start, as well as being able to emotionally and physically give it my all, because of the heavy life circumstances I was experiencing I needed a little clarity before diving in.  Seriously, the course was concluding and I was beginning, so I was VERY grateful that Flora left the e-course up for us to access for 6 months after the conclusion of the course, so people like me were able to finish the course, as well as, do it in our own time, at our own pace.  Flowers don't bloom and grow at the same pace and neither do we.  Being able to complete this course on my terms became one of the biggest blessings, and the fact that I had permission to do it as I pleased, allowed the magic to really happen.

Each week comes with a theme and during the week there are a series of creative exercises to do based on the theme.  I found each exercise Flora presented, gave me a deeper understanding of the theme, and allowed me to open further which gave me a more enriched life experience and creative journey.  The exercises are completely voluntary and you can do as much or as little as you like.  Even though the soul work and showing up for myself to do the exercises was extremely hard at times, I was always excited about what was next and the information being presented.  I was a sponge that absorbed it all and when I thought I was full, I realized I wasn't.  :)  I found the course to be PERFECT for the established artist and the beginner with no experience.

I have always been fairly intuitive and felt connected with the spirit world around me.  I'm a seeker and because of this I am always searching for answers and connecting to the mystery around me.  As I dove into week one, Intuition, I found myself connecting even more with the spirit world and nature.  I loved being able to make a connection between my art and my intuition.  Intuitive painting was a scary concept for me.  To stand in front of a canvas with no concept, theme, or idea about what to paint raised all the flags of fear imaginable.  But I embraced it and I did so with courage and eager anticipation.  I found that as the lessons progressed I was completing them in perfect alignment with what I needed in my personal and creative life.  The stars continued to align in a magical dance the entire course and the magic didn't stop once the course was over.

Week 1: Layer 1 &2; Week 2 : Layer 3, 4, & 5; Week 3: Layer 6 & 7; Week 4: Layer 8

The hardest week I had during the course was week two...  Letting GO.  This week's lesson I needed the MOST...  on all of the following levels- spiritual, emotional, physical, mental and creative.  I believe that each of these levels are intertwined with each other and when one is out of balance it causes an imbalance in the other.  Our systems are quite remarkable and will cooperatively work harder to bring the other system in balance before reaching an imbalance itself.  I love that about our bodies.  Week two was where I did the most work and spent the most time in my soul and my art.  I stayed in this weeks lesson for 2 months and didn't move on to the following week until I felt ready.  It did cause me to have to rush a little towards the end but I felt that I needed that too.  What I needed most always presented itself exactly when I needed it.  Learning to let go of my ego and the fear I held on to regarding my art was a tremendous transformation.  Each day that I did the soul work regarding the theme of letting go, I could see myself morphing into something beautiful and the transformation I felt was uncomfortable and incredible...simultaneously.  The most powerful transformation I had during this week's lesson was embracing the words, "I AM AN ARTIST" and letting go of the thoughts that I had bouncing in my head shouting that I was not and the detrimental thoughts that my art wasn't good enough, I wasn't good enough.  I haven't completely purged myself of these limiting thoughts but I am working on it.  I can see that because I'm not holding on to this limiting view, my expression through art has radically changed.  It has opened a flood gate of creativity that was waiting to be released.

Week three...  Your inspiring life, felt light and airy.  I enjoyed taking a look at the world around me and concentrating on the micro and macro details then doing a fast sketch based on what I saw.  It was in this week that I realized how powerful fast sketches can be.  When I think of myself as an artist, I will be the first to tell you, I don't draw well.  I have loved drawing since I was a small child and remember soothing my soul's pain with drawing and music.  Over the last few years I have quieted the voice in my head that told me I couldn't draw and did it anyway.  During this week, Flora made sure to say aloud that we had PERMISSION to draw without the attachment that they had to be good.  This was so liberating for me and the fact that someone outside of my being gave me permission to have a crappy drawing allowed me to feel free.  It sounds so silly now but I realize how shackled I had become to the idea that what I drew had to be good or recognizable to someone other than me.  The days that followed I drew more and I needed that.  I also really enjoyed finding what I loved to draw and seeing through a different lens.  My peace absolutely comes from enjoying and seeing the natural world around me.  When I took my sketchbook out with me and stared at macro and micro images, it was as if the world exploded around me.  In this week I also gave myself permission to paint the images I LOVE and feel connected to, even if they were the same images I had been jotting down for eons.  Another very powerful lesson in week 3 was entering "THE AWKWARD TEENAGER PHASE" with my art.  My painting was exactly that, I felt it and at this stage I really hated my painting.  When this phrase came out of Flora's mouth, it was as if the stars aligned and I could move past it knowing this awkward teenager phase would pass.  It allowed me to not become stuck and allowed the fear of "will this ever be good?" or "can I really paint something beautiful?" to leave.  Since this remarkable class, I have entered the awkward teenager phase with every single one of my paintings and every time the fear arises I chuckle, and gently remind myself that this too shall pass and the result will be something beautiful, to be patient, and allow my voice to emerge.  I surrendered to the process and really learned to trust myself, my abilities, and that my creative voice would emerge without me having to force it.

Week 4: Layer 9; Week 5: Layer 10 - 12;
Layer 12 - 16 was applying everything I learned in the course and getting  everything right

Week four...  Being BRAVE!  In this week my soul emerged with courage and bravery and left my ego behind.  This was absolutely necessary especially when being in the awkward teenager phase.  As my ego tried to take hold and convince me that I wasn't an artist, I wasn't good enough, or riddled my being with fear, my soul gently reminded me that I was safe, my creative voice was beautiful, and to be brave and step into the light.  When I took the step and embraced the courage to do so, fear was left behind and my ego was quiet.  My soul stood firmly and my creative voice was heard loud and clear.  Love emerged and with love, my painting emerged too.  Beyond my painting, I began to have the courage to share my artwork more.  This brave act was so liberating.  The response to my artwork from those that I shared it with was remarkable.  I finally felt like I had arrived.

All of these layers were adding the finishing touches to my painting.
These layers were really a continuation of week 5 and allowing my authentic voice to emerge,
giving my painting a voice and my brush an opportunity to speak.

Week five...  Finding your authentic voice.  Truth is by the time I got to week four and five I had to go a little faster because the online availability of this dynamic course was drawing to a close.  It wasn't because there wasn't enough time to access it, it was because at the beginning I allowed fear to conquer me, life's circumstances were way too heavy for me to take on anything else, and the demons screaming in my head that I wasn't going to paint anything beautiful were deafening.  So, yes I had plenty of time to get to week five, but the reasons I just stated AND the fact I had spent nearly two months in week two letting go of many of the negative ideas and beliefs I held as well as the limitations my mind framed around me, caused me to rush a little towards the end of the course.  The truth is, I believe I needed that too.  Because I had to "rush" and didn't have time to "think" or listen to the demons, I was in a beautiful state of spiritual and creative awareness.  It was here that I embraced the idea to be brave and "BE" in the moment and I was able to paint from a place of complete freedom.  It was there that my authentic voice emerged.  I realized that for years now I had been developing my style and trying on different things creatively to see what was my fit, my voice.  I had been testing the water for all of it and it took courage to do that.  We are our own worst critic and sometimes we cause the magic to stop as a result.  I realized I had done that too.  But by the end of week five, magic was in the air and on my canvas.  My soul was filled with joy and my energy was vibrating at a frequency I can't describe in words.

This gift was the second best gift I have ever received in my life, the first being motherhood.  The experience was incredibly HARD because soul work is hard, and at the same time when I stepped into the flow and just accepted the magic, it was also incredibly EASY.  That in itself is a lesson.  This e-course is so much more than a painting class...  it's a lesson in spiritual awareness, awakening, self-esteem, empowerment, accepting that we are divine and beautiful, LISTENING to our inner voice and the voice of the world around us, and acceptance.  If you are thinking...  I'm not an artist nor do I know anything about art... that's okay, you don't have to be an artist or know anything about art to take this online course.  If you are thinking, I'm an established artist and don't need another painting class or instruction on how to paint...  I am here to tell you that this is not just a painting course, it's more than that.  If you want to give yourself a true gift, buy this class for yourself.  It will be the greatest gift you give yourself and I PROMISE it will be worth every penny you spend on it.  Or maybe give it to someone else...  I'm glad Karin gave it to me...  Best gift EVER!

As I said in the beginning, when I look at my art over the years, I realize how each moment has led to this one.  I can see how much I have evolved and transformed.  Each stage of my life different just like my art.  Flora's e-course allowed me to crack my artistic seed open and sink my roots into a new belief.  The belief that I AM AN ARTIST and what I create is MY VOICE and it is beautiful.  It doesn't have to be beautiful to anyone else because my creative voice is enough and says what my creative work is.  Even now as I look at my finished painting on the wall, my inner critic has come out a few times stating the various areas my painting could improve and I've had to stop the voice.  I believe this voice can be helpful or it can be hurtful.  The voice can push us to be more than what we are or stop us from becoming.  I became something beautiful.  I bloomed beyond my dreams.  I have evolved and I will continue to do so because I am a forever work in progress.

Just like the pure joy emitting from the face of "S" skeleton,
my heart felt the same.

My art hanging in my home next to my
daughter's art... pure joy.  

Reflection

When I read that quote I can hear the bells and whistles going off.  For me, there is so much truth in the quote above, its resonance is loud and clear.  At times I have fought, kicking and screaming, resisting the change that would come.  Other times I grabbed the bull by the horns, embraced what was to come, while holding on for dear life.   Then there were times, that although there was a fight, it was mild in comparison and I was grateful it was over.  Each fight I have fought, I have given it my all, and at the end my arms were in the air with victory.  Some of the victories didn't feel very good, but I made it to the end, and that alone is a victory worth celebrating.

I've had a few life changes that have struck the core of my being.  They've rattled me.  Made me feel so weak, despite those around me saying I was strong.  The reality is sometimes we don't feel very strong.  These life changes stripped me naked, left me feeling broken, alone, and afraid.  When I look over my life, and these life circumstances that shook me free, I can honestly say I am grateful.  I am grateful for the uncomfortable truths they revealed.  I am grateful for the chance to rise and expand to be a better version of myself.  I am grateful for the gifts each situation gave me.

A little over three years ago, my life changed.  I never saw it coming and in fact thought the day would never arrive.  But it did.  I felt broken.  Alone.  Afraid.  Naked.  I felt like a fraud and everything I believed in was false.  I believed in something and gave it everything I had and then....  it changed.  It fell apart.  How could something you put so much energy into, come unraveled, and fall apart so easily?

It has been 1,150 days since this major life changing event and as a result I have had a lot of time to reflect.  Reflect on who I am, who I want to become, and where I am headed.  In my opinion, self reflection can be REALLY uncomfortable.  Sometimes the person standing there looking at you, isn't very pretty.  At times I have stood, with my knees knocking together, looking at this woman staring at me in the mirror ,wondering how I got here and if I was strong enough to continue.  In all honesty, I realized I wasn't broken, only bruised, and I was grateful for that.  Bruises heal.  When I was reminded of the small blessing that bruises heal, I saw hope looking at me in the mirror and she was beautiful.

In my 1,150 days of evolution and reflection, I have made some choices that I wasn't proud of.  When I reflect on each choice I have made over these 1,150 days, I am reminded that each choice I have been given the opportunity to grow, expand, and evolve.  Some of the choices I have made, filled me with all of the uncomfortable emotions most of us try to avoid.  you know...  shame, guilt, regret, blame, hate, anger, self pity...  should I go on?  Recently, I made some choices that wanted to fill me with a few of these bad boys, but then I realized even that was a choice.  I could choose to feel those emotions or I could choose to reflect on my choices and see what I was to learn from them instead.  Choose the light or choose the darkness.  Thankfully I chose the light.

So as I reflect on a few of my recent choices, I am reminded that each person that comes into our lives, has an opportunity to teach us something, if we are open to it.  Each situation presented, gives us another opportunity to look at ourselves, our behavior, our patterns, and evolve into something else and break old patterns to become more than we once were.  We are being called to be something better and to give the world something more than we already have.

Reflection may not always be comfortable but it is necessary to learn, grow, and change.  Sometimes sharing the reflection with people in your life is just as uncomfortable, if not more, than the reflection itself.  Opening up and sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone else takes a lot of courage and bravery.  It's standing firmly exposing our naked selves.  I don't know about you, but when this happens I want to RUN...  but I try not to.  Speaking my truth and continuing to expose my naked self (not literally...  If I have to do that I really will run), is one of the patterns I am breaking.

I have had 14,834 days to become the woman I am today, reflect on all of my choices, and who I am as a result.  And I love her.