Sunday, October 4, 2015

Disclaimer and a look at the ugly

You know that moment when you realize one of the elements that has held you back from doing something?  A light bulb goes off.  Things line up.  I had one of those moments not that long ago.  Actually, I've had a few of those lately.  So, I'm going to share one of my moments with you...

Most of the time I love writing, but sometimes I REALLY hate it!  Why?  Because it's like ripping off a layer of yourself and taking a look at the ugliness hiding beneath the protective layer.  I don't mind writing privately in my journal because it's for my eyes only.  God forbid I die...  someone please burn my journals!  Um, Karin if you are reading this...   that's one of your duties as my soul sister and best friend.  :)  Actually you don't have to burn them, Karin.  Just keep them until the time is right to share that part of me with my kids.  I have wanted to write blog posts for quite some time but I tend to resist it.  There are a few reasons this resistance presents itself...  When I write privately again it's for my eyes only.  I don't care if the sentence structure is terrible, if there's  one run on sentence after another,  a ton of grammatical errors or misspelled words.  I write to release and process the emotions, and uncover my soul, not to show how proficient I am in the English language or how good my grammar is.  Do I write often?  No, but this is an area of my life I'd like to do better in.

So what keeps me from writing blog posts?  The FEAR of looking unintelligent.  I want to write what I think freely and openly, and not be constrained by sentence structure and grammatical errors.  I, like so many other women in the world, suffer from mommy brain.  Mothers, you know what I'm talking about.  Something happens to our brain once we become mothers.  You become well versed in everything kid related.  I swear something happened to my articulation, word proficiency, language skills and grammar once I gave birth to these beautiful children of mine.

Another reason I resist writing blog posts, exposure.  I think if you have met me and know me, this may be somewhat shocking.  I really try to live my life exposed and vulnerable to those I care about.  I feel this is the ultimate connection and connection is something that is VERY important to me.  As a shy, introvert sometimes this is really hard.  Really, really hard.  And let me be the first to tell you it takes A LOT of work, courage, and bravery to expose yourself to others when you'd rather stand and be hidden.  So exposing my thoughts and feelings in an open forum with typed errors makes me feel like I'm under a microscope.

I realize that I need to write for myself as part of my healing and self discovery.  I need to explore myself in this way and share it with you as part of my process.

So here's my disclaimer...  Expect errors.  Many grammatical errors.  I will share my thoughts and feelings with you as long as you don't turn me over to the grammar police.  :)  If you are hoping to find great sentence structure and proficiency in written language, this probably isn't the blog for you.  This blog is for connection, sharing my process, my truth, healing and most of all...  love.

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