Honoring Grief

Today I sit with an overwhelming sadness, and tears streaming down my face.  I have to go to work in a little while and quite frankly I don't want to.  I want to sit here and honor this grief; and the sadness I feel as a result.  There's a tightness in my chest from the grief I feel, a tightness so heavy it steals my breath.  Damn, I'm grieving hard. 

Last night I came home from work and saw something black in my back yard on the edge of the forest.  I wondered what it was when I saw it, and my brain started in overdrive.  Intuitively I knew. I immediately told myself it couldn't be and walked inside my house.  I said the usual hellos to everyone and proceeded to the kitchen to start unloading my groceries.  After saying hello to my love, he went right into telling me I wasn't going to be happy.  Again, intuitively I knew.  "We have a dead crow in our yard."  My heart sunk.  Immediate sadness.

I walked out back and stood there looking at my spirit animal.  I felt a deep sadness and the tears began.  I placed my hands on my heart and told the bird I loved him.  And I was sorry.  I'm not sure what I was sorry for, I guess I was sorry he died.  My chest tightened and the tears flowed.  I came back inside and my love gave me a comforting embrace.  I'm grateful he understood.  A beloved family member had died and I'm so deeply sad.

This morning I find myself standing on the back deck starting at him.  I've cried a lot and have felt a deep sadness and grief.  The same sadness and grief I have felt when someone I love has passed on.  I want to honor Crow and his life, but quite frankly I don't know how.  Part of me, wants to wrap him up and give him a burial.  The other voice inside me says honor him through art.  But how?  So, I will sit with that for a little bit and allow the answers to come. 

Death

At some point or another all of us think about this topic.  Most of us dread the conversation or the thoughts that arise from the thoughts of death.  Thinking about our own mortality is scary and the thoughts that arise from the impending death of a loved one is equally as scary.  As a small child I can remember laying in my bed at night fearing death.  The word scared me, the afterlife scared me and anything encompassing this morbid subject made me tremble in fear.  With my head nestled on my pillow, tucked in my bed by my sweet mother and uttering the prayer "Now I lay me down to sleep..." I remember thinking so many thoughts about death, wondering what would happen and where I would go if it did happen.  I also remember feeling the fear course through my body, praying that I made it until the morning.  I'm pretty sure most people go through this at some time or another.  Having a religious father, my fear of the afterlife was heightened and I feared the worst would happen to me.

These last few months, the topic of death has surfaced more and more.  In our household we are facing the inevitable death that will occur with my sweet mama.  Maybe it's a year from now, maybe a few months, it's a lot of maybes.  Of course, I don't have an exact time frame, but I feel in my belly it's coming.  I have a knowing that it's happening and it doesn't matter how much I try to ignore it, I know it's on the horizon.  It causes a ton of thoughts to rise, and with those thoughts come a flood of emotions.  I know I want to be as ready as I can be, and make sure I give this process the care and attention it deserves.

I sat with a dear soul yesterday and talked about death.  We had this super loving exchange about preparing a human for this transition, but most importantly the soul preparation.  Since that conversation, I have been flooded with emotions.  As I drifted off to sleep last night, I was aware that the last few months I have pushed my thoughts and feelings down in order to keep moving forward and have only scratched the surface of how I have felt.  I've had to get things done for my mom and be her caretaker, advocate, and healthcare proxy on top of being a mother, a wife, business woman and the many other hats I wear each day.  Self preservation was needed during this tumultuous time, but now that I have some help and have had some room to breathe a little; I am tending once again to these thoughts and emotions on a deeper level.  The flood gates have opened.  I am a highly sensitive individual who feels things deeply and with an intensity I have a hard time describing.  There are times that I dam up the gates in order to get things done which is exactly what I have done the last couple of months.

This morning sitting here with a tender heart and a willingness to surrender to my feelings; I dive in to the emotional processing necessary to care for myself.  It's part of my self-love and self-care on a deeper level than what I've engaged with as of late.  When I began writing this morning there were two songs that moved me to tears and they played back to back on my spotify station.  The first one, "So Thankful" by Nahko & Medicine for the people allowed for a wave of thoughtfulness to occur and how grateful I am for this life, the magic that occurs daily, and for the tremendous woman who gave me life.  She has tenderly cared for me, loved me unconditionally and supported me through this journey.  As I listened to the music and the words, my eyes began to well with tears and my heart surrendered.  These words pulled at my heart and provided a loving space to honor her.

"The mother that raised me

is truly a queen.

Taught me how to love God

and follow my dreams.

Said, "oo so grateful, oo so grateful""

The heartfelt message of Nahko's words pull at my heart strings most days, but today it pulled harder and deeper.  This morning, in the quiet of the house, as I listened, the music soothed me and gave rise to love, gratitude and light.  As I listened to his musical story and the hardships endured, hardships far greater than what I can imagine, I found beauty in the gratitude of this lovely song.  We can go through the trenches of hell and still have a sense of gratitude, if we choose to.  The last year has been so challenging... emotionally, physically and mentally, but I am grateful.  I'm grateful for the enrichment these challenges bring, the blessings of life, but most importantly for the love of a woman I call mama and the impact she has had on my life as a woman and mother. 

In the stillness of the room as I surrendered, the song "Directions" was and is my prayer.  Again, Nahko & Medicine for the People moved me to tears.  This lovely song of prayer sang directly to my soul.  In that tender moment as my heart opened, the song sang the words of my soul.  "Grandfather, Grandmother... I am calling on you.  I need your guidance now."  

Dear Spirit of the Divine, Help me in the days ahead to act with grace and love, to be honoring and accepting, help me to surrender to my path as well as hers, and provide the guidance and the people to assist me as everything unfolds.  Thank you for your blessings, your loving gifts, your challenges that cause me to awaken deeper and your divine support and love. 

"With these wings I CAN fly"

©2017 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing, Whimsical Jewels