The dawn of a new decade

The last ten years have been a season of growth, transformation, change, heartache, and tearing down. Tearing down sounds negative, but with a different point of view, tearing down is necessary for a rebuild. I have experienced really high highs and really low lows. Through it all I have gained experience, I have become a different person, and I have learned a great deal about myself, people, and the world around me. I've spent the last week or so reflecting on the last ten years and today specifically I compared it to the decade of time before 2009-2019. It's an interesting contrast and what I've gained from each decade is pretty remarkable. When we reflect on our experiences I think most of us can find the light and hope that existed with the darkness of each challenge. That is if we want to. Perspective has such a remarkable impact on the lens we are peering through to see the world and our experience.

You are strong. "Rearranged" © 2016
Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

When I think of this last decade, I'm in awe of all I went through to get where I am now. The last ten years have really kicked my ass, shattered my heart, stripped me of everything, and then rebuilt me. If this was a boxing match, I definitely lost several times, but I kept fighting. Each time I was knocked down, I got back up and faced the next match, game face ready with an open heart ready to love and ready to fight. I've endured loss, grief, hardship, struggle, challenges, happiness, joy, abundance, love, miracles, and a tremendous amount of growth. I have gratitude in my heart for all of it because if I hadn't went through these experiences that have tore my walls down, stripped me of who I was, and shed the skin I was in, I wouldn't be who I am right now. And she is beautiful and magnificent. I have fought hard to get where I am, I've worked hard to see the lessons in each challenge, and to overcome the fear of moving forward. My heart is open, willing, and ready for what the next decade will be. I know that whatever happens I'm supported, I'm loved, and I will experience growth in ways I haven't experienced up until now. 

I entered 2009 with a loss so big it shook my world and shattered my heart. I experienced the heaviest grief. I walked into 2009 confused, sad, distraught, shattered, and angry wondering how I was going to overcome the grief I was experiencing after losing my brother on December 13, 2008. And now as I leave 2019, I'm once again experiencing a magnanimous loss. The loss of my mother has left me forever changed and different. I entered the decade losing my brother and friend, and now I leave the decade losing my mother and friend. It feels full circle. Both of these losses have shaped and molded me, taught me lessons I couldn't have experienced otherwise, helped me understand myself and grief, and have allowed me to connect and understand people with deep compassion. My heart misses both of them more than I can express but through both of these losses, I have experienced the greatest love and growth. They were such wonderful teachers to me emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. They may be gone physically, but I know that they will continue to teach me in the days ahead. Although the body is gone, love remains and holds us, connects us with an invisible thread. And through their love, I will continue to seek guidance and learn what they have to show me.

"Rearranged" Ⓒ 2016; Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

I watched my marriage fall apart and disintegrate, all the while wondering if I could endure the challenge and hardship that would ensue as a single mother and woman in this world. Everything that I believed in was shattered. My way of life challenged. There were days I wondered how I was going to get through the heartache of losing someone I loved so dearly. I wondered how I was going to pay for everything and at times where my next meal was coming from. It seemed like everyone had an opinion on what I should do. As I shed the skin of everything I believed in, everything I knew about myself, and everything I thought I should or shouldn't do, I was able to find myself and the foundation of my belief system. Through this loss, I was cracked open, transformed, and reborn. This loss taught me so many lessons and gave me so many gifts, too many to list in this short reflection. I was humbled and shed so many of my beliefs. The skin I wore at the end of my marriage was very different than the skin I wore when I finished walking through the hellacious challenge of separation and loss. The woman I was when I entered my marriage was very different than the woman I was when it fell apart, and then the woman I am now. Through darkness and loss, I transformed and learned the true art of surrender and acceptance. 

This past decade there has been so much loss and grief. I came close to losing my self-employment contract a few times which would have been a loss of income..my only source of regular income. I lost my brother and mother. I lost my marriage. I lost a home I had been in for 8 years. I lost my car I worked so hard to get. I lost myself.

Karin Bremer's Art
Windfall 

With darkness, there is also light. With sadness, there is also joy. And with loss there is also gain. And with all of it there is hope. As I reflect on what I have lost in the last decade, I'm also reminded of what I have gained. I needed each of these heart-wrenching experiences to become who I am right now. Each challenging experience gave me the tools I needed to face the next experience and reminded me that I have survived. 

Through the loss of Jon, I found spirit. I dove further into healing art. I leaned into the lessons the spirit world wanted me to learn and my life's purpose. I came to understand the power of grief and the transformation that happens as a result. Through my intense grief and the lessons I learned as I walked through it, I have been able to assist others through theirs. I have been able to offer a safe space of healing through the simple act of compassion and kindness.  

© 2019 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

Through the loss of my marriage, I found myself. I already knew who I was, but this loss allowed me to own her, my voice, and truly find my place in the world ALONE. I learned things about myself that I didn't know previously, and I learned to listen. I learned to listen to MY voice and the voice of spirit. The loss of my marriage truly stripped me down and allowed me to shed so many of my limiting beliefs and the belief systems that didn't serve me any longer. It also led me to a deeper relationship with spirit and understanding my intuition. Through the loss of my marriage, I also gained art. Oh, art was already there, but I learned I could paint! And wow that was a magnificent find! Through the lessons of loss, I developed an understanding of myself and my intuition which created my artistic voice and allowed it to really bloom and flourish. There was an accelerated growth that happened in this time period that I can't explain. I learned to follow the voice and the voice led me to my first gallery showing which was pretty remarkable. Intense joy. Intense gratitude. Intense transformation. 

"Transformation" © 2016
Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

Through the possible loss of income, I learned to trust my voice and to look at my unique offerings. I began to learn to trust that the magnificent energy of this world had a greater plan for me, but I needed to see what I had to offer. I needed to learn that I was deserving and worthy. I needed to lean in to trust and that my path was my own, not anyone else's. I learned to trust that the unconventional path that I was on was purely my own, and although not for everyone, it was for me. I applied for jobs that allowed me to really look at my skills and all of the unique things I had to offer. The scare of potentially not working for myself and having to work for someone else, allowed me to say NO and really developed my voice. It gave me the confidence I needed to trust my intuition and own what was right for me even when the rest of the world didn't understand. I was never meant to get the jobs I applied for, what I learned about myself from preparing for those interviews was more than what any amount of money could have given me.

Through the loss of my home, I found love. Again, I learned the act of surrender, trust, and acceptance. My kids and I moved into my ex-husband's tiny apartment and I slept on a twin mattress

on the floor of his living room. There were many days when I cried myself to sleep wondering how my life ended up here. There were many days when I felt I couldn't endure anymore. I was in a complete place of surrender. I was also in a place of gratitude. He didn't have to allow me to come and stay there, but he did. While staying there I manifested a house the kids and I had requested of spirit. A home that was so lovely and nurtured each of us back to each other. Through this loss, I gained my marriage. From the broken pieces of my life, I chose to transform and rebuild. From the 4.5 years of work that both of us did individually during our separation, we were able to rebuild ourselves as a couple and ultimately put our family back together. It's been the greatest act of trust, surrender, and love.

Through the loss of my mother, I too, have gained. I'm still navigating the grief of this tremendous

"Acceptance" © 2016
Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

loss and will be for quite some time. At this moment I'm still in disbelief that she is physically gone, and know that I have many lessons to learn as I navigate this loss that are sitting on the horizon awaiting me. For now, I do know that this is what I have learned. I was given the gift of time, the gift of deep love, the gift of unconditional love, and I came to understand the act of surrender and acceptance on a deeper level than any of my previous experiences. I came to understand myself more, and the importance of self-love and setting boundaries. I owned more of the components of my spiritual walk and developed my spiritual practice a little more. Through caring for the woman who gave me life, I learned the deep respect and importance of elder care, and how vital it is in our world. I learned to respect the aging process and the winter season of this stage of life. The weekend my mother was dying I became Reiki II certified and that was a true gift. I was honored to connect with her energy as she was dying... moved beyond words. I was given the opportunity and sacred honor of being with my mommy as she took her last breath. I trusted my spiritual voice on a deeper level and through that trust and honoring of voice, I provided a sacred ceremony for her as she transitioned out of her body into spirit. These are true gifts. Gifts that will always be priceless to me. I have yet to fully understand all of the gifts this loss has given me, but in time I will, and I know they will transform me. For now I can say, I am forever changed by all of it... for the better.

You are beautiful. "Rearranged" © 2016
Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

And now as I leave this decade, I leave all of the hurt, sadness, challenges, struggle, and self-doubt behind. I embrace the joy, love, understanding, and self-confidence that came as a result. Life is filled with duality and there will always be experiences that give us pain, struggle, hurt and sadness, but
each of these experiences also give us joy, love, understanding, hope, and ease. I have learned what I needed to learn and embrace this new decade with love and hope. I embrace the choice to live with ease. I embrace spirit and where it will lead. I embrace a new way of being. I'm so grateful for the friends I have made in this decade and the friends I had to leave behind. I have learned more than I can fathom from each person, experience, and challenge that has been presented. I am so grateful for all of it and look to the future with an open heart filled with love and adventure, and I am filled with eager anticipation at what lies ahead.

Happy New Year, friends. May the year ahead be filled with love, light, and a multitude of blessings for each of you.