The art of processing life and grief through intuitive painting

"Rooted in Love" ©2021
Intuitive art created to process my grief of losing my mom

To watch this painting come to life, click the link to watch the video of my process: https://vimeo.com/663460394

Saying goodbye to those we love is exceptionally hard. We long for more time. We lament all the milestones our loved ones will miss once they transition into the spirit form. After our loved one's transition, we grieve so many different aspects of the loss it can feel overwhelming and at times suffocating. The act of letting go is hard, frustrating, and can feel like a task bigger than our hearts can bear. The world moves on while we are grieving which can feel lonely. Those that love us have a hard time with our heart pain and want us to move on too, consciously or unconsciously, so they can feel better. The truth is processing grief and the emotions that arise from loss can feel consuming, unbearable, and uncomfortable. Art has assisted me process so many life events, profound grief, and the emotions that arise from people and situations. 

On March 20, 2022, at 2pm I will be sharing my experience of processing grief and the art of letting go at a special virtual pop-up. I invite you to join me as I share how art has provided an outlet for my grief, life, and assisted in healing my heart and spirit. Here's the link to learn a little more and to save your spot on zoom: https://www.snapdragonjournal.com/popups

For more information about me, the services I offer to assist with healing through art, and the art I have available for sale check out my website at https://www.artfullyhealing.com/

 

The life of a warrior

I've been called a warrior a few times, but never really embraced it as my truth until recently. When I think of the hardship, challenges, the struggles of my life, and all that I have endured in my 45 years on this earth, I am definitely a warrior. According to my google search, a warrior is defined as "a brave or experienced fighter" and when I think about all the battles I have had to fight over the years, I realize I am a warrior. Truth is, many of us are. I am not alone in facing adversity, challenges, hardship, and life battles. When I connect with people and share some of my stories, an exchange occurs, and it's through that connection of shared experience, I have found we are not alone. I have listened to countless people with similar stories of hardship and life challenging experiences and with each encounter, I find there is a lesson, strength, and something to gain from each experience giving rise to newfound growth. Listening to another person's challenges and the strength they found to endure gives us insight and at times direction for our own path. To embody the warrior we must be brave and fight, but we also need to listen. Over the years I have found it validating and liberating to listen to another person's journey and by listening I found the answers I was seeking and the solidarity of support my heart craved. Each experience and challenge has molded me into who I am now and I know at any time my form can be melted down and the process of rebuilding can begin again. To some that may generate fear, don't get me wrong it generates fear in me as well, but it also creates excitement because the rebuild allows us to rewrite our story, and create the path we choose. 

My heart outside of my body
I love the laughter we share and these two...
more than words can adequately express. ♥
Mother's Day 2020

This morning I was reflecting on the struggles of parenthood and how hard it is to be a mother. I love being a mother and feel like I was born to be one, but my God it's the hardest job I've ever had. When people ask me about raising teens today, my mind and heart can easily drift to the highs and the lows. Everyone assumes raising a girl is harder but raising my son has definitely been much more difficult. Not because he's a difficult kid, but because I had to work at finding a way in. And let me be clear, I still have to work hard at it. In many ways, I work harder at finding a way in now that he's entered life as a college student than when I did when he was a child. As a child, he allowed himself to be more vulnerable and showed more sensitivity. He received love and help readily which was easier for me since I'm sensitive, loving, compassionate, and very affectionate. Around the teenage years, he shifted and became more withdrawn. Part of it was the normal stages of development and him finding his way independently, but I'm sure part of it was also from the hurts of life and as a result, he became self-protecting and reserved. He's quiet, very private, contemplative, and STUBBORN. Did I tell you he was stubborn? Even if he needs help he will resist asking because in his mind he thinks he has to do it by himself. I'm not sure where he came up with this limiting belief, and maybe somewhere without realizing the weight of my words I said something to him that caused him to develop this belief. Like I said parenthood is hard. Unfortunately, we can't insulate our children from our shortcomings or mistakes. There are definitely times when I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and correct things. The ability to look into a crystal ball would be so nice, so I could see where I made the mistake. But I can't do either, and the only alternative I have is to keep trying and do the best I can. I joke that he's been difficult since the moment he was conceived, but the truth is he really wasn't difficult, I just had to work harder. He's a really great young man. I couldn't ask for a better son. He's one of my favorite humans and one of the best people my soul has connected with during this life. My daughter on the other hand... yes, she's a teenager and by most accounts, people say teenage girls are hard, but she's easy peasy. We are very similar so it's easy to connect with her and I'm not left wondering about her life. She shares and communicates what is going on in her life so it's easy to be on the sideline watching her and allowing her to grow independently. Unfortunately, that's my biggest obstacle with my son... not knowing and his lack of communication. Either way, motherhood is hard, parenthood is hard. Even having a daughter that communicates regularly and allows me into her world it's still hard. She has gone through her own set of challenges and the world has been cruel to her kind, sweet, sensitive heart. That has been one of the most challenging things to endure in mothering her. The world is harsh and the challenges great, and part of being a good parent/mother is allowing your children to grow and find their way when all you want to do is insulate, protect, and shield them. I'm grateful for both of these incredible humans and the lessons they teach me. I'm grateful for the honor to be their mother. They are the same and yet, so very different. The truth is, I'll always be their mother. And I'll always do my best to protect and support them as they grow and expand, and during the times of complacency and stagnation. I will be a life warrior for them...always.

My mom's birthday 2015

I originally wrote the first paragraph of this blog post on 10/10/19 with the intent of commemorating the life of my beautiful mother. You see her birthday is the 11th of October and I wanted to celebrate her wonderful life as a fierce and strong warrior of life. I also wanted to celebrate my deep love and respect for her. I was trying to process the reality that she was fading from this world and it was quite possibly the last birthday I would be celebrating with her. As I changed my age in the above paragraph my heart sunk. I've missed her terribly this year and yet, because of the world's COVID-19 pandemic, national health crisis, social injustice, environmental crisis, and the intense election distractions, my grief has been abated. I know it's bubbling under the surface and when I feel her rise, I honor her. I sit and feel it allowing the release and the feelings to wash over me knowing this is important to my healing and part of my self-care. Grief is a tricky thing and although the world moves on, our hearts are in a place that takes a tremendous amount of time to heal. It requires grace and patience with ourselves and shutting out the noise and judgment of the world. Most people can't handle the intense feelings of grief so they want the people surrounding them to move on from it too. I learned that life lesson many years ago, so I honor grief and the importance of healing, and ignore the noise.

My mom and I
11/22/18

I wonder how my mother felt about motherhood. Did she feel the same as I do? Did she feel differently? Did she feel it was hard to parent me or easy? What do I know when it comes to my mom and motherhood? I know she LOVED being a mother. I know she was born to do it and she made the decision pretty early on to change her own story and be a better mother than her own. I know that she took the job seriously and come hell or high water she supported my brother and I NO MATTER WHAT. I'm sure there were times she cried herself to sleep and she wondered if she did a good job. Those are the thoughts and questions every good mother asks herself. On some level, I know I was a pretty easy child. I did what was expected of me although I did normal teenage mischief. She always knew I would do the right thing... most of the time, and that I would use my people skills and good judgment to keep me moving forward. The most difficult period for her was after I turned 16 and I was a little out of control. WILD. But she had a wisdom that she relied on and she was a fierce warrior... you just didn't mess with her. She knew exactly what to do and shipped my ass to California to stay with a friend for a month. She knew I needed some time to calm down and find my way. MOTHER WARRIOR WISDOM. After that, I did the normal teenage stuff but I was more grounded and definitely analyzed the outcome and risks before engaging. She knew what she was doing. If she was here to tell you herself, she would probably say her biggest complaint was I was mouthy... talking back and I don't know how many times she said... "Why do you always have to have the last word? SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH!" It annoyed the crap out of me, but she was right. I was mouthy and didn't listen at times resulting in my own struggles and hers as a mother. My brother on the other hand... well, he was a difficult one. Firey, fierce, stubborn, and a huge risk-taker. He said screw it most days, alright if you knew Jon he didn't say screw it, he used other choice words. He took his chances and dealt with the consequences of his actions and behaviors afterward. He was in it for the ride and experience which is a nightmare for a mother. A nightmare for my mother. As his sister, I admired all these attributes about him although it scared the shit out of me. I knew in my heart that eventually, this lifestyle would catch up to him, and unfortunately, it did. This was the greatest burden my mother had to bear in this life... the loss of her son. I can't imagine the pain and won't allow my mind to take me there. I don't know that I would be as strong as her. I think that would officially break me.

Nature's love. Hearts everywhere
Taken Spring 2020 
♥ Redbud leaf ♥

So, what is the life of a warrior? Who is a warrior? As I stated in the first paragraph, "a brave or an experienced fighter." Yes, that was my mother. She came into this world fighting and she left this world fighting. She loved deeply and yet kept her heart at bay. She struggled to find balance in her life and yet despite struggling to find her own balance, she could give you the greatest advice to find yours. She was wise beyond her years and smarter than she thought she was. When I think about all the struggles she had to endure in her life, I'm astounded by her strength. She really was and is the strongest person I have ever met. I learned from the best and she absolutely showed me how to live as a warrior and how to be a good mother. I may not be the best mother, but I always do my best, which makes me a pretty damn good mother. And when it comes to being a warrior... well, I always stand back up, dust myself off, look for the positive, and the lesson I'm supposed to learn, and keep moving forward. And that makes me a pretty damn good warrior. I'll keep fighting and honoring her the best I can... by living life to the fullest, growing, and learning to be better today than I was yesterday.

The time we went crazy from quarantine and learned to listen to our ♥

"Changing" © 2018 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

This quarantine has allowed us to reflect on our lives, the world, the people we love, and rise to Mother Earth's call for controlling climate change and sustainable living. It has asked us to be better, do better. It has called us to be kind to one another and to ourselves. It has reminded us to look at what is important to us and to leave the nonsense behind. It has created the opportunity for a shift within each of us that has encouraged us to feel things most of us avoid. Do you feel the following: Uncomfortable in your own skin? Sadness? Anger? Restless? Elated to have a break from the world? Guilty for not doing more? Feel bad for having certain thoughts? Do you feel downright crazy from all of our feelings and thoughts that have been provoked during this time? Ungrounded from feeling the world's energy of fear and uncertainty?

Sweet little heart I saw in my driveway
this week.

I feel in my heart the shifts taking place currently are quite powerful and have called us to practice mindfulness, slow down, and be in the present moment with ourselves and our loved ones. Most days I try to live my life at a slower pace, mindful of my body, emotions, and the world around me, but I can feel myself shifting more.  I'm opening up further and doing my best to listen to my heart a little more. 

The truth is all of us are human. There are days and weeks when we are on a path that allows us to grow, awaken, and feel the change in positive ways and then there are days when the self-doubt, resistance, and fear of our ego sets in causing us to feel unbalanced, chaotic, and ungrounded. It's part of detoxifying from our old ways and part of being human. This week I'm having one of those weeks that have been more difficult. As the reality sinks in that it's been seven weeks since my kids started quarantine from school, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I'm a little in shock that it's been six weeks since I started limiting my interactions and movements in the community. I keep asking myself if that's possible. Is it true? I'm fairly certain that I'm not the only one that feels like every day runs into the next day. There are days I'm unsure what day of the week it is or the actual date. One day rolls into the next. My mind at times has trouble comprehending that it's really been seven weeks since the quarantine began. Who would have thought that this would have happened? I feel like we're living in a weird-ass sci-fi movie that warned all of us about disease transmission, infections and how they spread, and the end of the world as we knew it.

The first week I was okay. The second week the fear set in about the severity of what we were facing. The third week we shut our doors to anyone coming in that wasn't our family and I started to feel the loss of control. I could feel the collective consciousness and the fearful energy that was being transmitted through each person near and far. My internal feelings started to come unhinged. Agitation. Irritability. Deep sadness. ANGER. Restlessness. Ungrounded. Lack of balance. I knew that the journey was going to be a long haul and I needed to do something to preserve my sanity as well as process the emotions I was feeling. At the end of week three, I felt in my heart I had to do something to make a shift and started to increase my self-care. It's times like this that really shine a light on the areas in our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual bodies that need our attention. Deeper attention. Weeks four, five, and six I felt pretty good. Peaceful. Energized. Balanced. My devotion to a deeper self-care practice had helped me find balance, peace, and harmony with myself and my external world. Now that week seven is here I have to admit, I'm not feeling as balanced as I did in the last few weeks. I can feel the anger and sadness again. And today I reminded myself, it's okay. It's okay to feel this way, it's okay to let the feelings wash over me and give myself permission to be in this uncomfortable space. And just as I was giving myself permission to sit in this uncomfortable space, I reminded myself that through all of the emotions, I have also been loving myself SO deeply. Caring for myself in new ways and with more tenderness which is so important daily, but now more than ever.

Friends this is a time to listen. It's time to tune in to our quiet inner voice and the voice of your heart. Today I had to be reminded that I really needed to listen to the call of my heart and not the thoughts in my head, and the voice of my ego that can be so dismissive and diminishing. I had to focus on the difference between the voice of my head versus the voice of my heart. The voice of our ego and head can be so loud where the voice of our heart is very quiet and requires us to be still. Today the voice of my heart is winning, but yesterday the voice in my head clearly won and I felt terrible ALL DAY. My ego likes to tell me what I should or could be doing, I'm not enough, wasting time, or screams do more. My heart quietly asks, what do you REALLY want to do today? It asks me about joy and love. Today as I was reflecting on the contrast of the weeks I felt unbalanced versus the weeks of deep peace and serenity, it came down to my heart and listening. It came down to my practice of self-care and permission.

I feel in my heart this is also a time of permission. The pandemic has given us this wonderful opportunity to sit and be still. It is giving us this unique time to be free in our days and not fill our calendars with multiple appointments, and things we should do or need to do. It has given us freedom. The freedom to sit and listen, and give ourselves permission to be quiet and take care of ourselves in a way we haven't been doing. Yesterday, I had to really give myself permission. Permission to not look at my to-do list, permission to do NOTHING and feel the uncomfortable feelings, and permission to be in the moment of reflection instead of filling my day with action.

It's so easy to go to the place in our minds that tells us all the things we need to do and then feel guilty or bad for not following through. It's equally as easy to be down ourselves for all the ways we aren't making the most of this time and then have the feelings of shame and guilt follow suit. If this is happening to you, I understand. I have definitely had several of those moments. I have also had moments of balance, bliss, joy, and contentment. Thankfully I've had more blissful days than days of angst. 

I hope in the days ahead you can quiet your mind's voice, listen to the voice of your heart, and follow where the calling leads you. Forget about what you think you should do or could be doing and do exactly what your heart wants you to do. If you are having trouble listening to your heart or coming to a place of calm.

Here are a few of the self-care actions that keep me grounded, quiet my mind, and restore balance.
Remember to be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to be exactly what you need to be in the moment.

My Letting Go Lantern that I use
to release feelings, beliefs, and
anything I feel no longer serves me.

• Letting go rituals
• Deep breathing
• EFT (tapping)
• Journaling
• art of any kind... CREATE! The energy of creation always helps make the shift
• I have been creating art I want instead of art for sale
• Go for a walk in nature (MY FAVORITE!)
• Sitting outside with nature (Have you noticed how loud the birds are singing these days? And the trees are a beautiful lush green!)
• Listen to soothing music
• Positive affirmations
• Crystal healing
• Reading what you want and not what you have to
• Meditative practice- join a zoom sacred circle
• Creative time with friends through zoom
• Walk outside barefoot
• Reiki
• Gratitude!
• Do something physical- exercise, bike ride, pull weeds, exercise routine
• Cook something new (I've been doing a lot of this!)
• LAUGH- the best medicine! look at funny videos, watch a funny movie or sitcom, anything that is going to make you laugh. Laughing eliminates the stress hormones from your body. 
• Anything that makes you feel good.

May all of us accept ourselves in each moment, love ourselves more deeply, and lean into each shift calling us to change and be better than we were the day before. I am sending you love and light as you listen to your heart. May you have the courage to follow your heart's call where it leads you. 

"With These Wings I CAN Fly"
© 2017 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing, Whimsical Jewels

The dawn of a new decade

The last ten years have been a season of growth, transformation, change, heartache, and tearing down. Tearing down sounds negative, but with a different point of view, tearing down is necessary for a rebuild. I have experienced really high highs and really low lows. Through it all I have gained experience, I have become a different person, and I have learned a great deal about myself, people, and the world around me. I've spent the last week or so reflecting on the last ten years and today specifically I compared it to the decade of time before 2009-2019. It's an interesting contrast and what I've gained from each decade is pretty remarkable. When we reflect on our experiences I think most of us can find the light and hope that existed with the darkness of each challenge. That is if we want to. Perspective has such a remarkable impact on the lens we are peering through to see the world and our experience.

You are strong. "Rearranged" © 2016
Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

When I think of this last decade, I'm in awe of all I went through to get where I am now. The last ten years have really kicked my ass, shattered my heart, stripped me of everything, and then rebuilt me. If this was a boxing match, I definitely lost several times, but I kept fighting. Each time I was knocked down, I got back up and faced the next match, game face ready with an open heart ready to love and ready to fight. I've endured loss, grief, hardship, struggle, challenges, happiness, joy, abundance, love, miracles, and a tremendous amount of growth. I have gratitude in my heart for all of it because if I hadn't went through these experiences that have tore my walls down, stripped me of who I was, and shed the skin I was in, I wouldn't be who I am right now. And she is beautiful and magnificent. I have fought hard to get where I am, I've worked hard to see the lessons in each challenge, and to overcome the fear of moving forward. My heart is open, willing, and ready for what the next decade will be. I know that whatever happens I'm supported, I'm loved, and I will experience growth in ways I haven't experienced up until now. 

I entered 2009 with a loss so big it shook my world and shattered my heart. I experienced the heaviest grief. I walked into 2009 confused, sad, distraught, shattered, and angry wondering how I was going to overcome the grief I was experiencing after losing my brother on December 13, 2008. And now as I leave 2019, I'm once again experiencing a magnanimous loss. The loss of my mother has left me forever changed and different. I entered the decade losing my brother and friend, and now I leave the decade losing my mother and friend. It feels full circle. Both of these losses have shaped and molded me, taught me lessons I couldn't have experienced otherwise, helped me understand myself and grief, and have allowed me to connect and understand people with deep compassion. My heart misses both of them more than I can express but through both of these losses, I have experienced the greatest love and growth. They were such wonderful teachers to me emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. They may be gone physically, but I know that they will continue to teach me in the days ahead. Although the body is gone, love remains and holds us, connects us with an invisible thread. And through their love, I will continue to seek guidance and learn what they have to show me.

"Rearranged" Ⓒ 2016; Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

I watched my marriage fall apart and disintegrate, all the while wondering if I could endure the challenge and hardship that would ensue as a single mother and woman in this world. Everything that I believed in was shattered. My way of life challenged. There were days I wondered how I was going to get through the heartache of losing someone I loved so dearly. I wondered how I was going to pay for everything and at times where my next meal was coming from. It seemed like everyone had an opinion on what I should do. As I shed the skin of everything I believed in, everything I knew about myself, and everything I thought I should or shouldn't do, I was able to find myself and the foundation of my belief system. Through this loss, I was cracked open, transformed, and reborn. This loss taught me so many lessons and gave me so many gifts, too many to list in this short reflection. I was humbled and shed so many of my beliefs. The skin I wore at the end of my marriage was very different than the skin I wore when I finished walking through the hellacious challenge of separation and loss. The woman I was when I entered my marriage was very different than the woman I was when it fell apart, and then the woman I am now. Through darkness and loss, I transformed and learned the true art of surrender and acceptance. 

This past decade there has been so much loss and grief. I came close to losing my self-employment contract a few times which would have been a loss of income..my only source of regular income. I lost my brother and mother. I lost my marriage. I lost a home I had been in for 8 years. I lost my car I worked so hard to get. I lost myself.

Karin Bremer's Art
Windfall 

With darkness, there is also light. With sadness, there is also joy. And with loss there is also gain. And with all of it there is hope. As I reflect on what I have lost in the last decade, I'm also reminded of what I have gained. I needed each of these heart-wrenching experiences to become who I am right now. Each challenging experience gave me the tools I needed to face the next experience and reminded me that I have survived. 

Through the loss of Jon, I found spirit. I dove further into healing art. I leaned into the lessons the spirit world wanted me to learn and my life's purpose. I came to understand the power of grief and the transformation that happens as a result. Through my intense grief and the lessons I learned as I walked through it, I have been able to assist others through theirs. I have been able to offer a safe space of healing through the simple act of compassion and kindness.  

© 2019 Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

Through the loss of my marriage, I found myself. I already knew who I was, but this loss allowed me to own her, my voice, and truly find my place in the world ALONE. I learned things about myself that I didn't know previously, and I learned to listen. I learned to listen to MY voice and the voice of spirit. The loss of my marriage truly stripped me down and allowed me to shed so many of my limiting beliefs and the belief systems that didn't serve me any longer. It also led me to a deeper relationship with spirit and understanding my intuition. Through the loss of my marriage, I also gained art. Oh, art was already there, but I learned I could paint! And wow that was a magnificent find! Through the lessons of loss, I developed an understanding of myself and my intuition which created my artistic voice and allowed it to really bloom and flourish. There was an accelerated growth that happened in this time period that I can't explain. I learned to follow the voice and the voice led me to my first gallery showing which was pretty remarkable. Intense joy. Intense gratitude. Intense transformation. 

"Transformation" © 2016
Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

Through the possible loss of income, I learned to trust my voice and to look at my unique offerings. I began to learn to trust that the magnificent energy of this world had a greater plan for me, but I needed to see what I had to offer. I needed to learn that I was deserving and worthy. I needed to lean in to trust and that my path was my own, not anyone else's. I learned to trust that the unconventional path that I was on was purely my own, and although not for everyone, it was for me. I applied for jobs that allowed me to really look at my skills and all of the unique things I had to offer. The scare of potentially not working for myself and having to work for someone else, allowed me to say NO and really developed my voice. It gave me the confidence I needed to trust my intuition and own what was right for me even when the rest of the world didn't understand. I was never meant to get the jobs I applied for, what I learned about myself from preparing for those interviews was more than what any amount of money could have given me.

Through the loss of my home, I found love. Again, I learned the act of surrender, trust, and acceptance. My kids and I moved into my ex-husband's tiny apartment and I slept on a twin mattress

on the floor of his living room. There were many days when I cried myself to sleep wondering how my life ended up here. There were many days when I felt I couldn't endure anymore. I was in a complete place of surrender. I was also in a place of gratitude. He didn't have to allow me to come and stay there, but he did. While staying there I manifested a house the kids and I had requested of spirit. A home that was so lovely and nurtured each of us back to each other. Through this loss, I gained my marriage. From the broken pieces of my life, I chose to transform and rebuild. From the 4.5 years of work that both of us did individually during our separation, we were able to rebuild ourselves as a couple and ultimately put our family back together. It's been the greatest act of trust, surrender, and love.

Through the loss of my mother, I too, have gained. I'm still navigating the grief of this tremendous

"Acceptance" © 2016
Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

loss and will be for quite some time. At this moment I'm still in disbelief that she is physically gone, and know that I have many lessons to learn as I navigate this loss that are sitting on the horizon awaiting me. For now, I do know that this is what I have learned. I was given the gift of time, the gift of deep love, the gift of unconditional love, and I came to understand the act of surrender and acceptance on a deeper level than any of my previous experiences. I came to understand myself more, and the importance of self-love and setting boundaries. I owned more of the components of my spiritual walk and developed my spiritual practice a little more. Through caring for the woman who gave me life, I learned the deep respect and importance of elder care, and how vital it is in our world. I learned to respect the aging process and the winter season of this stage of life. The weekend my mother was dying I became Reiki II certified and that was a true gift. I was honored to connect with her energy as she was dying... moved beyond words. I was given the opportunity and sacred honor of being with my mommy as she took her last breath. I trusted my spiritual voice on a deeper level and through that trust and honoring of voice, I provided a sacred ceremony for her as she transitioned out of her body into spirit. These are true gifts. Gifts that will always be priceless to me. I have yet to fully understand all of the gifts this loss has given me, but in time I will, and I know they will transform me. For now I can say, I am forever changed by all of it... for the better.

You are beautiful. "Rearranged" © 2016
Toni Becker, Artfully Healing

And now as I leave this decade, I leave all of the hurt, sadness, challenges, struggle, and self-doubt behind. I embrace the joy, love, understanding, and self-confidence that came as a result. Life is filled with duality and there will always be experiences that give us pain, struggle, hurt and sadness, but
each of these experiences also give us joy, love, understanding, hope, and ease. I have learned what I needed to learn and embrace this new decade with love and hope. I embrace the choice to live with ease. I embrace spirit and where it will lead. I embrace a new way of being. I'm so grateful for the friends I have made in this decade and the friends I had to leave behind. I have learned more than I can fathom from each person, experience, and challenge that has been presented. I am so grateful for all of it and look to the future with an open heart filled with love and adventure, and I am filled with eager anticipation at what lies ahead.

Happy New Year, friends. May the year ahead be filled with love, light, and a multitude of blessings for each of you.

Surrendering to the journey of life

"The Bow"
© 2018 Toni Becker,
Artfully Healing/Whimsical Jewels

I awoke today with an overwhelming sadness.  The sadness that time is racing by, and I can't stop it.  The sands of the hour glass are speeding up and visually I see the sands falling through my fingers.  I try to contain it by clasping my hands tightly shut, but it's not working.  So here I sit, knowing I need to honor these feelings despite my mind telling me I have a zillion things to do.  My heart reminds me that I am a sensitive and emotional human with empathy and compassion for myself and others, while my head tells me to numb it and stay active with my life and my "to do list".  My ego screams... "No one has time for this, keep doing and it will go away."  Here's the truth.  It's easier and more comfortable to numb myself with activities and things I need to take care of instead of honoring what I feel because these feelings are intense.  The real work lies in the allowing and the honoring.  So today I'm honoring.

I want to say no to the outside world, pull the covers over my head and lie in bed allowing myself to be what I need to be.... a big sobbing mess.  I'm not one to run from what I'm feeling although there are days I know I don't have time for it, and I push through knowing it will be there tomorrow.  Believe me, it doesn't go away.  I acknowledge this isn't the healthiest approach, but sometimes it's what I need to do, to get things done, knowing I can't handle the tasks I need to care for and the intensity of my emotions.  Today I awoke knowing I needed to take care of my emotional health and honor the space I'm in and sit with the intensity.  So here it goes...  I'm mad that I don't have the means to stay in bed today if I want to.  I'm mad that I can't be with my mom every second of the day.  I'm mad that life has been so challenging and there appears to be no end in sight to these challenges.  I'm mad that time is running out.  I'm mad that I'm losing the beginning of me.  I'm mad that time and future memories are being stolen from me.  I'm mad that people focus on such nonsense.  I'm mad that I am forced to deal with these people and their nonsense.  I'm mad that the world is so divided and people are killing each other.  Then there's the sadness.  I'm sad that I'm watching someone I love so deeply weaken each day.  I'm sad and mad that I can't do anything to make it stop.  I'm sad that my life will go on without a huge part of me.  I'm sad for my children and what they're feeling.  I'm sad that there's a good possibility my mom won't be here to see them graduate, go to college, get married, have the joy of seeing them start a family... the list is long.  I'm sad that I can't do more for her.  I'm sad that there will come a day that I won't be able to feel her hugs, stroke her soft hair, place my hand on her face or see her across the dinner table.  My stomach is sick.  My head is throbbing.  My face is a big salty mess from the continual stream of tears. 

My mom on her birthday 10/11/15

Then there's the duality of all the emotions above.  There's gratitude and joy.  It's a little hard to write about it when my sadness is being felt with such intensity today, but these feelings are still there.  It's these feelings that calm my stomach and make the throbbing in my head feel less intense.  They serve as a beautiful reminder of what I have and what I've been given.  I have the unconditional love of a woman who is such a beautiful example of love and motherhood.  And when the clock stops, I'll still have this, just in a different form.  Despite feeling like time is running out, I'm reminded that I have been given time and the ability to care of the woman who gave me life.  I'm reminded that I have the blessing of having her in my home, and although it's hard to see her in a weakened state, I'm grateful for the ability to care for her, to love her in this state and to serve her in this way.  I'm grateful that time has already been extended and I hope for more time, but as hard as it is to acknowledge this... I accept and honor that it may not happen.


For the last year I have been engaging with anticipatory grief or maybe it's been engaging with me.  The truth is, it really doesn't matter how much you engage with anticipatory grief, it doesn't prepare you for a loss of this magnitude.  The waves of grief I will feel when it's all said and done will be greater than what I am going through right now.  For today though, I feel a little better honoring this space and giving my grief the acknowledgement it needed.

My mom and I, 12/25/16

A big fat stinking mess, yet beautiful. Welcome to life.

A panel of my "Letting Go Lantern"
© 2017 Toni Becker,
 Whimsical Jewels, Artfully Healing

I'm drowning.  Drowning in the messy happenings of life.  The waves are crashing, beating against my being stealing my breath.  My heart beats faster.  My breath escaping me.  Try as I might I just can't catch my breath.  I'm trying to stay afloat... my legs kick faster, even though I can feel this sinking feeling.  I fight.  I breathe.  I kick harder.  But there's a heavy weight pulling me down.  I feel like I'm drowning.  Right now, that's how my grief feels.

For many weeks now I have fought kicking and screaming with so many people I'm exhausted.  I've felt unheard, thinking am I not being clear?  After such in depth conversations and clear examples, I'm left wondering how my words could have fallen so hard on deaf ears.  The result is a suffocation I can't describe.  All the while people on the sidelines are telling me to scream louder, advocate harder, do this do that...  I've done all I can do.  I've done the best I could do.  And yet, I don't feel like it's remotely over or nearly enough.  And I'm wondering how much I have left to give and if I have the strength to keep fighting.  I'm tired.  No, I'm exhausted.  I'm to the point now I can barely put words together to form a coherent sentence.  Sitting here typing this is taking everything I have, but I know at the end I'll feel better so I keep stroking the keys.  Not giving a shit what it sounds like, or if it makes any sense.  The blog is artfully healing... and this is part of my healing and the art form I'm using in this moment to soothe my tired mind, bleeding heart, and exhausted frame. 

A panel of my "Letting Go Lantern"
© 2017 Toni Becker,
 Whimsical Jewels, Artfully Healing

The same waves that are crashing against my frail frame causing me to feel the tremendous burden of grief, are also in the same way healing and transforming me.  It's a big fat stinking mess and yet so beautiful.  It's here in this moment with the weight of everything I know that when it's all said and done, I will be better for it.  It's just so hard to see it when I feel like I'm drowning and trying to keep my head above the water.

I wrote the above passage on 7/16/18, but never published it.  I'm not sure why I left it as a draft, but I did.   And now as I read the above words, I realize it feels complete and incomplete simultaneously.  Now three months later my words are still relevant to my daily life, but the anticipatory grief that I feel is heavier and more of a reality.  At the time of writing the passage my mom was at a rehab center getting ready for discharge.  She had been under hospital type care for a month... a week in the ICU, a week on a regular floor, and then discharged to a rehab facility where she spent two and a half weeks.  I battled with all of them, advocating for her care making sure she was taken care of and receiving the care she deserved.  Ultimately she was discharged before she was ready due to insurance, and my choices were limited so I brought her home with us.  The fighting and advocating didn't stop, but thankfully it hasn't been as intense.  Now with hospice coming into our home, I find myself breathing a little easier regarding her care.  The care she's receiving right now is exactly what she needs and quite frankly what everyone needs to receive throughout their life span, not just at the end of life.

My beautiful Mom on her birthday
10/11/18

Today the grief is heavy.  I know my days with her are numbered, and everything else that goes on in one's daily life seems unnecessary and quite frankly a waste of my time.  I find myself thinking about all the stuff we waste our energy on that serves no purpose and lacks meaning.  I feel my mind drifting, wishing I had the means to be with her around the clock for this last journey.  I'm mad because I can't be.  I'm sad that it's happening.  This morning, I awoke at 3 am with a heaviness in my chest and a wave of sadness that stole my breath.  These last few days as I've watched my mom, in her own way she has told me to back up.  "Toni, you worry too much."  In my mind, I reply I know but I only have one mom and she's dying.  I feel her energy and things start melting away.  It's here that I look at her.  I see her clearly.  I realize some of her behavior is fear, sadness and her own grief.  I'm sure she doesn't want this to be the end either.  She  feels the same as us... She wants to stay as long as she can and we want her to be here for as long as her spirit allows.  Her light is magnificently beautiful and I realize how blessed I have been to have had such an incredible woman as a mother.  My heart is heavy.  The thought of moving forward without her steals my breath and makes my chest feel like an elephant is sitting on me.  This is grief.  This is sadness.  This is a big fat stinking mess, yet oh so beautiful.  Welcome to life.....  and death.  A full circle.

My handmade birthday gifts for my mom
Handmade Journal & Canvas Necklace
© 2018 Toni Becker; Whimsical Jewels & Artfully Healing

Honoring Grief

Today I sit with an overwhelming sadness, and tears streaming down my face.  I have to go to work in a little while and quite frankly I don't want to.  I want to sit here and honor this grief; and the sadness I feel as a result.  There's a tightness in my chest from the grief I feel, a tightness so heavy it steals my breath.  Damn, I'm grieving hard. 

Last night I came home from work and saw something black in my back yard on the edge of the forest.  I wondered what it was when I saw it, and my brain started in overdrive.  Intuitively I knew. I immediately told myself it couldn't be and walked inside my house.  I said the usual hellos to everyone and proceeded to the kitchen to start unloading my groceries.  After saying hello to my love, he went right into telling me I wasn't going to be happy.  Again, intuitively I knew.  "We have a dead crow in our yard."  My heart sunk.  Immediate sadness.

I walked out back and stood there looking at my spirit animal.  I felt a deep sadness and the tears began.  I placed my hands on my heart and told the bird I loved him.  And I was sorry.  I'm not sure what I was sorry for, I guess I was sorry he died.  My chest tightened and the tears flowed.  I came back inside and my love gave me a comforting embrace.  I'm grateful he understood.  A beloved family member had died and I'm so deeply sad.

This morning I find myself standing on the back deck starting at him.  I've cried a lot and have felt a deep sadness and grief.  The same sadness and grief I have felt when someone I love has passed on.  I want to honor Crow and his life, but quite frankly I don't know how.  Part of me, wants to wrap him up and give him a burial.  The other voice inside me says honor him through art.  But how?  So, I will sit with that for a little bit and allow the answers to come.